Shh. It's Papa

1:00 AM 24th Dec 2016

Satish stood on the balcony, drenched, bruised, and sore after climbing the drainage pipe to get on the deck. His knees were bleeding due to injuries during the climb. His shoulders and arms were hurting from lifting his body. He regretted wearing tight pants tonight, which had cut inside and now attached to his inner thighs. He stretched his legs wide and tried to pull his pants down to relieve the pain. His whole body was shaking and sweaty with fear and excitement. He took out his mobile to switch on the torch.

It was unusually dark that night with a soft wind blowing. It was drizzling with the dogs barking in the distance and occasionally howling. Passing vehicle horns pierced the dead silence of the night. Satish looked down from the balcony on the silent highway below. He had climbed two stories to be on the deck right now.

He tiptoed towards the balcony entrance and drew the curtains cautiously aside. A dim blue bed lamp lit the room with the mechanical buzzing air conditioner in the other window. He switched off his mobile and slid it inside his pants pockets. The wooden floors squeaked as he walked towards the queens' bed in the middle of the room. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness in the room as he looked down to see the two sleeping figures.

Shefali was asleep sideways with her hands and legs rolled up in a comma shape. He circled the bed to reach the other figure lying there. Pihu, his baby girl who turned two years old today, was lying there fast asleep in her soft pink unicorn blanket. Her curly locks covered her innocent face as she slept on her back with hands locked into Shefali's hands.

Satish looked at Pihu admiringly. He was seeing her after six long months. The last time he saw Pihu, she was petite with no hair on her bald head. He was surprised to see Pihu's tresses tonight. "They have grown." He grinned. Satish sat on the edge of the bed and touched Pihu's chubby cheeks. She reacted with a displeased sound in her sleep. He realized that his hands were cold and wet from the rains outside, which he hadn't wiped before touching her. He cleaned his hands on the bedsheet and quietly crept next to Pihu to lay on a pillow. The bedsheets were clean, crisp, and very comfortable. He patted Pihu's stomach and cleared the locks from her face. She bore a striking resemblance to younger Shefali. 

2:00 AM 24th Dec 2016

The air conditioner sound paused intermittently as the compressor started and stopped maintaining the room temperature at twenty-four degrees Celsius, as set by Shefali. She considered anything below it as freezing and anything above it as too hot. Twenty-four was her sweet spot. "What room temperature do you prefer?" she had asked him curiously on their wedding night. To his surprise, he couldn't think of an exact number to answer as he had never decided the room temperature up until now. It was always the mother who would do the settings for him, which he unquestionably found comfortable. "I don't know Shefali; you could set it as per your

wish," he answered indifferently.

He looked at Pihu and remembered the night he had proposed to Shefali about starting a family within two months of their marriage. She was surprised and disappointed to hear this sudden request from him. "But, I want to finish my Masters before taking any additional responsibilities. What is the hurry? Can't we wait for another year?" she pleaded.

"No, we can't wait. We can handle the problems whenever they show up, Shefali. Let us have a baby and see how things turn up in the future," he insisted without looking at her. He continued scrolling on the laptop gazing at the recent pictures uploaded by his childhood friend Vijay, whose wife had recently delivered a baby boy.

He distinctly remembered the delicious baby smell that originated from the mix of baby powder and baby oils. He was mesmerized by the experience of holding the baby and watching it sleep peacefully on his shoulders when he had visited Vijay a few weeks back. "I want a baby," he had instantly decided.

 3:15 AM 24th Dec 2016

They were expecting Pihu when Shefali noticed a change in him. Ironically, she pointed out that recently, he was spending more time on his mobile and was late almost every night for the past few months. He, indeed, was drifting away from her, but this didn't register with him until she called it out directly one day.

"Where is your attention, Satish? You seem to be distant." She questioned, raising her eyebrows.

She had a full-blown tummy now that she was in the last semester of her pregnancy. Satish avoided her question and stood there on the balcony watching the children play below. He couldn't decide whether he should tell her about the situation now or later.

Satish was regularly meeting Radhika since their chance encounter at a college reunion a few months back. They had spent the whole evening together recalling the good old romantic days in college. He had liked Radhika instantly when she walked into his practical group for Chemistry. She looked ravishing in her blue salwar kameez and matching dupatta. She had very distinct features and a decent personality that appealed to him in those days.

They were initially attracted to each other, which later blossomed into a wholesome relationship for the rest of the college tenure.

Satish was still lying on the bed next to Pihu and Shefali. He looked at Pihu and said, "My sweet baby. Happy birthday to you." He bent over to kiss her on her forehead. Pihu didn't move this time.

Satish remembered her kicking in Shefali's belly for the first time and how an ecstatic Shefali had called him over the video to share this news. "She kicked me, Satish," she exclaimed with happiness all over her face, but sadly he was not beside her to feel and share the same joy. The next time, he remembered her calling him for an appointment with the Sonographers towards the end of her second semester.

"I can't make it this time, Shefali. Please carry on and show me the reports later," he had excused himself from the doctor's appointment.

He longed to be with Shefali at that moment, but he couldn't decide how to make an exit from the current situation and be home. He was present in the labor room where Pihu was delivered but had to rush back without holding her in his arms.

Radhika was in town in those days.

4:00 AM 24th Dec

He looked at Shefali who was still sound sleeping and had no idea that he was in the room for three hours.

"Satish, how can you disappear and get married without informing me? How can you be so cruel? Fuck you! We were in a four-year relationship; didn't you have the decency to talk to me first before deciding to get married?" Radhika blasted him in her apartment when they met for the last time many years back. She was furious by his decision to go to his hometown and come back married to a strange woman called Shefali. She slapped him hard and ripped her shirt apart, clinging tenaciously to him, crying aloud. "Get out of my house, you fucking moron," she pushed him outside and banged the door on his face.

He shivered at the memory and wiped his forehead with his cold, bruised hands. He had decided to marry Shefali instinctively after their first meeting arranged by their parents in their hometown. She was the only daughter of the village leader, who was a promising politician of the time. The parents were happy to ally with such an influential family through his marriage.

4:45 AM 24th Dec 2016

He didn't dare to meet or call Radhika after that day's incident at her home. She had thrown him out of the house, cursing him for the betrayal.

But, the college reunion evening was different. Radhika seemed to have forgiven him and was cordial to him. She still looked stunning in her neatly tied hair and silk light blue saree.

That evening, Radhika talked about the issues in her marriage as they stood on the lawns. She described the agony and struggles that she was going through with tears in her eyes. Suddenly, she grabbed Satish, who was looking away and had his back to her and hugged him. He was pleasantly surprised at this gesture and responded to her by pulling her closer. He affectionately put his arms around her and patted her back. A wave of excitement flowed through his spine, chilling him to the core. Radhika was standing close to him, breathing heavily into his shoulder. His ears were hot, and his body was responding as it would to the proximity of a female, the one whom he loved so much. He was in a delicate situation where he wanted to stay with her in that position and let her lean on him forever, and on the other hand, he wanted her to stop being so close. He couldn't take the pressure any longer and bent over to kiss her. But then he stopped and looked at her face. Her eyes were closed, with tears rolling down. He untangled her hair and pulled them behind her ears, and gently said, "Radhika, come, we have to go." 

He could hear the milk van making a stop at the center below the building. There was a loud sound of doors opening and closing. Satish got up and stretched.

5:00 AM 24th Dec 2016

He and Radhika were staying together when she was diagnosed with damaged ovaries, where the doctors declared that she could never bear a child.

"I want a child Satish. I desperately want to become a mother," she cried, asking him to give her something impossible.

"I would kill myself if I don't become a mother. I want a baby," she screamed in many such hysterical episodes that were increasing with each passing day.

She was eventually placed in an institution for long-term therapy and rehabilitation for her trauma and mental illness.

During his visits to her, Radhika would stare blankly at the walls, longing for a child. Satish couldn't bear to see her in this state and would walk away disheartened. He couldn't decide on Radhika's and his situation and the future for them. He had left Shefali and Pihu due to Radhika's persistence. Now, with her landing in such a miserable state, Satish was numb and hopeless. Without a child, Radhika's life was at stake.

He was startled to see Shefali shifting in the bed and pulling her blanket closer. He quickly ducked under the bed on the floors to hide.

5:15 AM 24th Dec 2016

Satish cautiously raised his head to watch Shefali, who had now turned to the other side facing the wall. He slowly got up and stood straight silently. He looked at sleeping Pihu and slowly bent over to pick her up.

This time Pihu moved and woke up. Her body stiffened on feeling Satish's unfamiliar rugged touch. She tried to push Satish away with her tiny soft hands and opened her mouth to wail, but Satish closed it with his palms and said, "Shh. It's Papa."