Long and Lenient

It was the summer of 2005 when my biggest secret significantly changed my life. It wasn’t that I told my best friend, or that she didn’t keep it to herself...despite all my bickering for her to lock her lips, she told my other friends.

That didn’t bother me. What bothered me is that this minuscule, little detail of my private life became the biggest factor of who I really am to people. I didn’t get it. I kept it to myself for 17 years of my life and now, now it was printed all over me. 

What is surprising is that I remember every detail of that night and how easily the secret came pouring out of my mouth. I remember it like it happened just yesterday.

Maggie and I were sitting in a sunflower field near my house. Blazed and heated from the afternoon sun, we had just raced from the local pool and our hair was still wet and our swimsuits were still on. It was our favorite spot to see Tennessee's summer sunsets and we did not want to miss this particular one. It had just rained the day before, and we knew that the day-after sunsets of a storm, were the best ones. 

I do not remember why we knew that or how we obtained that knowledge, but I remember we were absolute geniuses. 

We laid in the sea of grass and it gently hugged our bodies in every crevasse. It was beyond comfortable. Especially after a long day of swimming, it was our routine to come hereafter.

I clearly remember Maggie laying next to me and she was so close that I could smell the sunscreen from her body. Her thick, luscious brown hair trailed behind her as she looked up to the sky with her crystal blue eyes. She was wearing her favorite black bikini and it matched her smooth, skinny, olive skin perfectly. 

I had noticed that we were almost imitating each other. Our hair both behind our heads, still soaked from the chlorine and we were almost wearing the same thing. I was also wearing a black bikini and a similar tank top and I almost chuckled then because we always swore that we were long lost twins from another mother but I stopped myself because Maggie was talking. She was reminiscing about our day, about the homemade sandwiches my mother made and how the weather was perfect. 

After what had seemed like an eternity, but was only twenty minutes later, the sun finally started to set. The sun's rays turned different shades of red, orange, and yellow and danced in the sky like a salsa dancer’s dress blowing in the wind. It almost was like the dancer was shifting her weight to the beat of the sun. She radiated the music of her soul and stepped foot by foot, color by color, to create the colorful harmony of the sky. The dancer finally stopped, said goodbye to her audience, and took her reds, oranges and yellows with her. She turned off the lights, leaving the sky empty and colorless. 

Despite the sun setting and us being in awe, Maggie and I stayed put. We had an unspoken rule and routine that after each sunset, we would gossip. We had the field to ourselves and it felt right to always end the day with some juicy details about people in our small town. 

It was one of those classic, little movie towns where everybody knew each other and every detail of their lives. So when something went a bit crazy or out of the ordinary, everybody knew. 

We traded back and forth, sharing new and old stories. She told one about our neighbor Karen and I brought up one rumor about my mother that we started as an accident two years ago. To laughing our heads off, and to crying, we experienced every emotion possible. I was having a great time until she asked me if I had ever kept anything from her. 

I suddenly felt a lump in my throat. She’s never asked me that before. I knew I had kept something from her for a long time but I never knew how to bring it up. I never thought it would have been a big deal so I swallowed deeply, making my voice get lower, and lied. 

“No Mags, I’ve never kept anything from you.” 

As I said that, I saw her face change from curiosity to utter despair. Her eyes darted from my face to the floor, and her body language was taken aback. She moved her legs from sitting to crisscross and attentive, to hugging her legs near her chest.

Damnit. She knew I was lying. I knew I should have just told the truth but I refused to. It was too hard to spit out something I had been hiding for 17 years. 

My face started to turn bright red with embarrassment as I apologized to her. I knew better than to lie to her. She knows my voice always gets lower when I lie. She's known that since we were little.

She didn’t seem that upset though, because after bickering and mocking me for lying, she was able to get it out of me. 

With a deep breath and a shy bit of confidence, I finally said it.

My eyes darted to the ground. I felt like I was going to cry. The lump in my throat got bigger and my mouth started to get dry. I didn't want to cry, it was a sign for weakness but I was too embarrassed to say my secret that I have been keeping for 17 years, out loud, to my best friend. What would she think of me? I mean she is my best friend so her opinion shouldn’t change? Right?

Still looking at the ground, I gained some courage and I slowly looked up at her. Her face wasn’t relaxed and happy as it was before, it was silent and as still as a rock. I had never seen her like this before, I didn’t know what to think. What was wrong with me?