Before It Went Black

Nadine

“Nadine!  Nadine, where are you?!”  My best friend Tina made it out of the classroom in time.  Everything was still and I couldn’t feel anything below my waist.  I was confused and my own body felt like a fraud.  Why couldn’t I get up?  “Nadine!”  I heard Tina’s voice again.

“I’m here, Tina!  I’m right here!”  My lips tried to form the words but all that came out were desperate murmurs- so quiet I couldn’t even hear myself over the ringing in my head.  I laid there and listened to the out of tune piano swirling between my ears, sobbing but unsure if any tears were coming out.  The cries got further away, carrying with them the only thing that made sense to me, Tina.  

I had no way to keep track of the time that I spent lying there, but I knew that every second that was passing was another second that Tina was alone and frantic about finding me.  I imagined her face and the way I hated when she cried.  That image alone was enough motivation for me not to give up.  I tried once again to get up onto my legs.  I guess I thought that if I kept trying, they would magically start working again.  They didn’t.  

I think I screamed from the pain, but apparently I wasn’t loud enough for the search crew to hear.  Everything felt surreal but I was beginning to come to my senses.  I felt something wet in my hair.  Probably blood, or sweat.  Maybe both.  I looked around as best as I could, but my familiar second period algebra class swirled around me in a blur.  A few desks were destroyed and there were abandoned backpacks scattered like confetti on the floor.  I thought I saw an arm sprawled out behind a pile of debris.  Maybe I wasn’t alone.  Or maybe they were dead.  Maybe I was dead, too.  

I looked down on my own fraudulent body for the first time and saw my legs, almost entirely smashed.  I felt like vomiting, but even that would take too much effort.  I passed out nearly instantly at the sight of the blood soaked mess beneath my waist.

I was consumed by a void of darkness that reminded me of a charcoal portrait I saw once of a woman whose head was completely encircled in black.  I remember thinking how bad I felt for the woman in the portrait.  She looked so afraid and alone.  Now I knew exactly how she felt.  I didn’t fight the darkness.  In fact, I welcomed it.  Oftentimes, the color black is associated with pain and death but it was peaceful and welcoming and I let it swallow me whole.

The peacefulness didn’t last long.  I woke up in the back of an ambulance, my mother’s frightened face hovering over me, looking like the person from The Scream by Vincent Van Gogh.  I tried to speak but an oxygen mask covered my mouth.  There were needles in my arms and a doctor sat next to my mother, who was cupping my cheeks in her hands.  The skin of her palms soothed me but still I felt like I was hovering over myself, staring down at my pitiful body.

“Can you tell me your name?”  The doctor asked me as she waved a hand in front of my face.  Not helping.

“N-Nadine Taylor.”  I mumbled and the doctor pulled down the oxygen mask.

“Nadine, sweetie.”  My mother tried to get closer to my face, not knowing what she was supposed to say, so crying instead.  “I’m so happy you’re okay,” she managed to speak.  

The ride to the hospital was a boring one, filled mostly with the sound of my mother’s sobs and dumb questions from the doctor.  I know she was only trying to make sure I didn’t have brain damage or something, but I was more concerned about not feeling my legs than telling her who the 16th president was.

“Tina.”  My mother knew how close Tina and I were.  She knew what I was asking, just by saying her name.  Is Tina okay, mom?  Please tell me Tina’s okay.

“Tina’s safe, honey.  She’ll be at the hospital.  She was one of the first ones out of the classroom.”  A wave of relief hit me, followed by the sudden realization that I really had no clue what had happened, or how I ended up in this ambulance.

“Mom, what happened?”  I could already see her breaking down, but I needed her to answer my question.  When she couldn’t, the doctor talked for her.

“There were multiple bombs planted throughout your school this morning.  The administration had no clue and they weren’t caught on time.  One of them happened to be in your second period algebra class.”  I could feel her heart breaking for me and my classmates by the way she struggled with the words.  Bombs?  Who would want to hurt innocent high schoolers?  And whoever it was, were they still out there somewhere?

“A man is already in police custody,” the doctor answered my question before I could ask.  “He called the police station anonymously after the bombs went off, but the cell phone number was tracked back to him.”  

“Oh, my God.”  It was all I managed to choke out.

For a while there was stillness in the ambulance and nobody spoke.  “I’m so sorry,”  The kind doctor broke the silence.

We arrived at the hospital around two o'clock.  That meant that if the bomb went off at nine in the morning, during second period, I was lying in the classroom for over four hours.  I didn’t remember how long I was awake before going unconscious but I could only imagine how horrible I must’ve looked when the rescue crew found me.  I wondered how many others they had found.

After my arrival at the hospital, I was told that there were 10 others who were severely injured, 25 injured in total.  My doctor told me that there had been someone else found in the classroom with me.  His name was Adam Smith.  He started at my high school at the beginning of our freshmen year.  On his first day, he introduced himself to my friends and I, but I hadn’t talked to him since.  I suddenly regretted never getting to know him, but I would probably have plenty of time, seeing that he and I would be together in the hospital for a while.  I remembered the arm I saw, back in the classroom, and realized that I really hadn’t been alone.

On my second day, I insisted that Tina go home to get some real rest.  She stayed with me, sitting by my bed, since I arrived at the hospital.

“It’s okay, Nadine.  I don’t want to leave you.  There will be plenty of time for me to sleep when you are all better and out of this place.”  Even when I was laying in a hospital bed, unable to walk, Tina always knew how to make me laugh.  In fact, I laughed too hard and caused my legs to shift a little. 

“Ouch!”  I yelped through my teeth.  

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!”  Tina felt bad, even though she was one of the only positive things going for me at the moment.

“It’s okay, I’m alright.”  I calmed down and let out a small, half-real giggle.  I grabbed Tina’s cold hand and could see it in her eyes that she was exhausted.  “Really, Tina, you should go home for a while.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Finally, after bickering back and forth in a harmless argument, Tina agreed to go home and get some rest.

“Under one circumstance!”  She pointed at me and a mischievous grin formed on her face.

“Oh yeah, what’s that?”  I couldn’t imagine what kind of crazy thing she had come up with.

“You, Ms. Taylor, are going to ask that cute guy for his phone number.”

“I absolutely am not!”  

“Come on!”  She insisted.  “He’s totally been checking you out!”  She made a kissy face at the sad looking boy in the hallway.  Thank goodness he didn’t see her.  I thought I recognized him from school, but I didn’t know his name.  The thought of school made me sad.  How would we ever go back to normal?  I snapped quickly back into the conversation.

“He’s totally not!  He’s probably here, just like you, visiting his horribly injured, possibly dying friend.  I don’t think now is the time to ask for his number.  Besides, how exactly am I supposed to get up?”

“Oh right, that might be tricky.”  She glanced down at my fully casted legs, only frowning for a split second, before returning back to my eyes with a smile.  “Well, if you don’t mind, maybe I’ll take this one.”

“Have at it.”  We laughed and looked out at the poor boy in the hallway.  He was cute, but asking cute guys for their numbers definitely wasn’t one of my priorities.

“Fineee.  I’m gonna get going.  I promise I will be right back here after I take a shower and get some sleep.”  Tina reached for my hand and looked into my eyes, saying ‘I love you’ in a best friend- telepathic sort of way.  “I love you.”  She said it out loud anyway,

“I love you too.”  I squeezed her hand and waved her off.  I saw her tap on the cute boy’s shoulder as she got to the hallway.  I gave her a small laugh and encouraging smile before closing my eyes.  

I had an obscure dream as I drifted off into sleep.  I saw a woman, completely alone, dancing in a field of wildflowers.  As her face came into view, I realized that it was the woman from the charcoal portrait.  The same woman I imagined just before I passed out back at the school.  This time, though, she didn’t seem so afraid or alone.  She seemed free and peaceful, and somehow, her eyes reached out to me, as if to say ‘It’s okay, Nadine.  You’re going to survive this.’

When I woke up, still in a hospital bed, my legs still in casts, I came to the realization that I was going to be okay.  I knew that it would take persistence and tenacity.  I knew that it wouldn’t be easy for me to go back to the way I used to be.  Maybe I didn’t ever want to go back to the way I used to be.  If I knew one thing for certain, though, it was that I was going to survive.

Tina

The explosions happened a little after nine o'clock.  We heard a ticking just before the room went black and the teacher rushed everyone through the small door. I was towards the front of the classroom, by the exit, with the majority of the rest of my classmates. We were helping our teacher sort out papers on a desk.  My best friend, Nadine, and another boy named Adam were taking stacks of paper to the back of the room and didn’t get to the door in time.

I was in shock for a solid ten seconds and couldn’t seem to run along with the herd of my classmates fleeing from the classroom. I knew Nadine was in there somewhere, trapped or hurt. Maybe even worse than hurt. I tried not to imagine her alone and scared. She is okay, she has to be.

“Nadine, where are you?!”  My voice was shaky and cracking.  “Nadine, please answer me!”  

There were a few kids slumped by walls in the hallways, too injured to make it all the way out of the building. Teachers were everywhere, trying to get kids away from the places where the bombs went off, fearful that there would be more explosions.  One of the teachers spotted me and grabbed me by the arm to come with her.  

“No!  No, not without Nadine!”  I tried to fight my way back to the classroom where I thought my best friend was trapped.  Reminding myself to breathe was useless- it just didn’t seem possible until I found Nadine.

I remember very little about the following hours.  There were rescue teams being assembled, terrified parents picking up their kids, and students being brought out on stretchers.  None of them were Nadine.  My mother left work as soon as she was alerted about what was happening, but it took her thirty minutes to get to the school.  I didn’t mind waiting, though.  I couldn’t leave without Nadine.

By the time my mother arrived, I had found myself a spot in the grass away from the crowd of people, put my headphones in, and had a staring contest with the door, waiting for it to spit my best friend from it’s treacherous mouth.

“Tina!”  My mother came running towards me and I got up to give her a hug.  I didn’t let go of her for a long time and she just let me stand there and sob into her shoulder, taking in her scent of vanilla and honey.  My mother and I weren’t always the closest but being in her presence gave me reassurance.  After a long while of refusing to leave the school, my mother convinced me to go home.

“Sweetie, if-” she cut herself off, being cautious of her word choice.  “When they find Nadine, they will call us and I promise you we will go straight to the hospital with her.

My chest was heavy as it occurred to me that it was a possibility that Nadine was not alive inside of the building and that we would never get a call to see her at the hospital.  I couldn’t choke out any words so I hugged my mother again, nodding, signifying that I would go home.

The car ride back to our house was silent, everything that needed to be said was spoken in the thoughts between us.  When we got home, I walked straight to my room and broke down into a sweatshirt Nadine left at my house the weekend before.  My mom kept asking if I wanted to talk, and I said no.  I just needed to feel whatever I could of Nadine.  She understood.

“Tina?”  She tapped on my door for what seemed like the millionth time.

“I’m really okay, mom.  I don’t need to talk-”  I realized that my mother wasn’t here to talk when I saw her tired face form a small, hopeful smile.  “They found her?”  I asked.

“Yes, they found her.”  I ran to my mom as fast as I could and melted in her embrace.  “She’s okay?”

“She’s hurt pretty bad, Tina.  Her mom called and said that she was unconscious and they were taking her to the hospital.  It may be hard for you to see her like this, maybe we should wait until she wakes up.”

“No.  I have to see her now.”  It took me five minutes to pack a bag that would last me as long as I would need it to in the hospital, and we left. 

The whole ride there, for the first time since the bomb went off, I felt a little bit of joy.  She was hurt and in pain, but she was alive and that was enough.  Ten minutes before arriving, my mom received a phone call.

“Oh, wow that’s wonderful!”  I heard parts of my mother’s conversation.  I figured it was Nadine’s mom on the other line, which gave me even more hope.  “We’re almost there!”  She said before hanging up.

I gave my mom a questioning look.  What’s the good news?  Please tell me something good.

“She’s awake!  She’s okay!”  She let out a sigh of relief, and I did the same.

I jumped out of the car and toward the emergency room doors as fast as my feet would carry me.  I couldn’t feel a bone in my body, and my heart only beat for Nadine.  We got to her hospital room quickly and all I wanted to do when I saw her was give her a huge hug.  Her legs were both in large casts and she had a few marks on her arms and face, but she was still Nadine.  

Suddenly, I didn’t feel so scared anymore.  I felt whole again, like I was finally allowed to breathe.  Nadine mostly slept, but just being in her presence was more than enough for me.  A lot of things changed that day, but I think I can speak for both Nadine and myself, that we will never take another day together for granted.