The enigma of Phillipa

"But I don't understand" I told her. "It just doesn't make sense... You are such a logical person."

Phillipa looked at me and rolled her eyes dramatically. "I'm telling you that my dreams come true. I'm not saying that I believe in the flat earth theory or joining the church of Scientology - "

"But that doesn't make sense!"

"To you it doesn't, Amelia. I'm not sure why you're so closed minded about this. Do you think I'm lying? You know this is true! What about the time I told you I dreamed that...” it was at this point that I tuned out. 

I had once read a book about a girl who had dreams that came true in the future. It was a book that I found hard to categorize – simultaneously a kind of ‘dirty realism’ where you truly feel the mundane nature of the characters daily lives. Yet also tinged with a dystopian esotericism where things happened that never could in the real world. The feeling that I got when I thought of that book and the tug between reality and fiction was what I was experiencing in this conversation.

Phillipa is, for lack of a less cliched way of putting it, a smart girl. She has a degree in Applied Mathematics and Computer Sciences and she works at an international firm as an Analytics Consultant. To even attempt to describe what that entails would inevitably prove my point that what she does is incredibly difficult and confusing.

By all accounts, Phillipa is the picture of someone driven by reason. We’ve done all of those tests together – Myers-Briggs, the whole 16 personality test, I have even administered some Rorschach tests. She says are that they are all “statistically unreliable” and that she is “unconvinced that the data collection methods that support their findings were sufficiently rigorous”. But I just smile knowingly to myself when every time she gets placed in the categories that prioritize logic over feeling.

Which is why I sit here gobsmacked as Phillipa tells me, once again, how she believes that she has dreams that happen.

“So you’re basically the real life Joseph from the Bible? Having dreams that come true?”

“Well I’m not sure what version of Joseph you were listening to but he didn’t have dreams that came true. He interpreted people’s dreams and told them what they meant. But to be fair, those dreams did come true. And no, I’m not saying that.”

“Okay but then it’s more like star signs. So you see that you’re going to ‘have a bad day’ or that ‘good luck will come your way’ and then you subconsciously make those things happen? Because it’s already in your mind.”

“Amelia. What an obtuse thing to say. You know that I don’t believe in star signs or the zodiac. It’s different to that. I’m not saying I’m psychic. But you can’t deny there have been multiple times I’ve dreamt things – I’ve written them down or told people about them, and then they happen.”

Phillipa is to me an enigma in the way that her mind works. But I suppose we are all bundles of contrast. Perhaps it’s the way that I love strawberries but can’t stomach any strawberry flavored things. I love children but the thought of having my own turns my stomach. Phillipa to me represents all things logical and yet in this one area she appears to be so entirely willing to ignore facts. This woman who won’t believe a news story unless she’s verified it with at least three sources she deems reputable believes that she dreams things and then they come true in the real world. And for some reason the seemingly contradictory nature of these beliefs plagues me and I can’t help but interrogate my friend about it.

“Alright, Phil. I know. It’s just interesting. It’s an interesting assertion. Do you always tell people the things you dream? Like, what id it was something big? Something bad? How do you know which of your dreams will come true? What if… WHAT IF you dreamt something was going to happen to me? What if you dreamt that I was going to die? Would you tell me?”

“I’m not sure I enjoy the science-fiction tone you’re taking. But I like the idea as a whole. I’d need to think about it. If I told you, I would need to consider whether that would help or harm you. So I would consider how you were going to die and whether knowing it could make your life before then happier. I’d look at all the fact and then weight up –“

“HA! I knew it. You can’t resist. You can’t resist the logic, Phillipa. You default to reason and numbers. Does that not irk you? This one thing that seems so misaligned with everything else you believe?”

“I know… I know it’s at odds with who I am and how I approach things. But to me it’s not illogical. I base the belief that my dreams come true on data that I’ve gathered. Through my personal experience. That’s been verified by other people that I’ve told about my dreams and then they’ve come true. So for me, based on my experience, it’s a deeply logical view.”

Although I didn’t necessarily agree with her, I couldn’t refute Phillipa’s argument for why she felt the way she did. Even in defending an idea that seem to me incredibly unbelievable, Phillipa backed up her steadfast belief using her own personal internal system of logic. I looked at my friend and marvel. Perhaps she wasn’t as much of an enigma as I’d originally thought.

“Okay but can we just agree that if you ever dream something terrible about me, like that I start enjoying pineapple on pizza or I start wearing Crocs, you will tell me immediately?”

“Amelia if those were the sort of dreams I were having even I wouldn’t be able to believe that my dreams come true. I’m not completely delusional.”