I'm Ok by C.E. Metcalf

There are some of us out there that were called heroes. The ones that came home from war. And there are some of us that the war is still going on in our minds. We are sometimes called the lucky ones. And some of us don't feel that way. I myself am a disabled vet. I was blinded in a fire fight in Desert Storm. My self and two other men were taken cover behind an old junk vehicle trying to keep from getting shot. And then came the mortar blast. It destroyed the rest of it. The two men I was with died. and I ended up in a coma because of a TMI along with a few broken bones.

I spent eight months in that coma. When I woke there were three doctors at the foot of my bed. They were nicely trying to tell me Iwas never going to see again. I spent a year and half in that hospital and then I was transferred to a school for the blind. I'm sixty -three now and I still have the memories of that war. I was twenty -nine when that happened. A lot of years have passed since then. In that time of my life, I was one of the badass crazy ones. I was a ranger. We were told we were the best of the best. We would take any mission and do anything for the rush.

The first time I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane I was scared to death. As the training I learned to love it. Because I wanted that rush. In between missions I would go raise hell with my brothers at arms. I learned really fast to love and respect them because one of them might safe my life. And I might save one of them. There is no love stronger than a man that would give his life for his brother.

Many a time I walked through a battlefield and my mind was numb. I had no feeling I was still in battle mind. Many of my brothers lay dead or injured. To this day I still ask myself why did I come home?

Why didn't I die in battle along with many of my brothers?

When I finally came home, I felt useless my disability was becoming a handicap. And I knew better but didn't care. All I wanted to do was drink away the past and never go back there. But more I drank the more those old tapes played over in my head.

Someone once told me don't regret the past or shut the door on it. For the longest time I couldn't understand that statement. It made no since. I regret a doing a lot of things in my life. The more I thought about the more of a piece of shit I felt. The Bible says thou shall kill. I've done more than my share. And I still carry the ghost.

I had to lose everything in my life that I thought was important including a fist marriage. When I finally hit my bottom had had nowhere else to go. I was sitting on a park bench in the pouring rain. Poor blindman feeling sorry for himself. To this day I couldn't tell you what happened that night. All I knew was I had to change my life. Alcohol was controlling my life. What there was of it.

I new of a homeless shelter not far away. With a little luck there was an opening. They gave me dry clothes and a warm bed for the night. The next day they hooked me up with right people to start and get my life on track. As my mind started to clear I learned what that statement meant. I have to remember the past now and then and talk about it. Because I don't want to be the man I used to be.

My life now is beyond my wildest dreams. I got remarried a few years ago to a woman that I believe is a gift from God. And have learned that I am not along.

Alcoholism is a disease. I have alcoholism a disease that never goes away. I believe that my disease is outside doing pushups waiting for me to screw up. One drink is to many and a thousand isn't enough. S if I don't pick up the first drink, I'll be ok today. Who knows about tomorrow because tomorrow isn't here yet. And when it comes it will be today. And that is why I live my life one day at a time. I had to realize that I don't control my life. There is a power greater than myself that I choose to call God.

When I was still in the Army it was drilled in my head failure is not an option. Defect is not an option. You will learn to adapt and overcome anything in your way. Guess what that doesn't work with alcoholism. I never got my ass so beaten in my life. And the crazy thing about it kept going back for more. How many times did I have to get my ass beat before I got the message. I'm a hard learner I found out. And sometimes I still am. If I told you, life was a bowl of cherries all the time I would be lying. I still have bad days once in a while but that's ok. I know if I pick up a drink my life will get worse. I won't change a bad day sober for a good day drunk. All I had to do was go to was want my life to get better bad enough. And work for it. I have seen many people fail and die. Because they just couldn't get it.

I have buried many of my friends. I guess I wrote this story because I was taught that it doesn't work unless I pass on my experience strength and hope.