Then as Always

It was an unusually warm and bright day for November. While the rest of the class made the most of the weather, Rory spent break time inside. He appeared to be asleep on his desk. From the splendid outdoors, no one could hear or see him cry. 

Though he did his best, he couldn’t fight the tears. They came upon him with no warning and rarely at the most opportune moment. He’d taken to finding solace in the bathrooms of late where he could be alone with his anguish, away from everyone else for he was certain no one could understand his pain. Besides, crying wasn’t the way to make an impression at an all boys’ boarding school like St. Theodore’s. Despite missing out on the last sunshine of the year, being alone was something of a comfort.

By the time the bell rang and everyone had settled down, Rory had wiped his eyes and fixed his features into the best possible attempt at a nonchalant stance. One lesson gave way to another and Rory drifted through the day as though under some form of remote control.

It had been two weeks since…No. It was best not to think about it. The moment he started, he found himself crippled by the fear that it would happen again. And so Rory sought out distraction after distraction. He doodled on the back of his school books. He replayed episodes of his favorite shows. He spaced out. Days faded into one another with nothing meaningful enough to pull Rory from the depths of his despair.

“Hey, Rory. Can I borrow that when you’re done?”

“Huh?”

Rory looked up to find a boy smiling down at him. He’d been so engrossed in the book he was reading he hadn’t noticed anyone else’s presence.

“The book.”

“Oh, sure.”

“You’ll want to know who you’ve lent it to. I’m Victor.”

He said it with a smile.

“Um, Victor, how did you know my name? We aren’t in the same class…”

“I guess you don’t remember. We sat together during orientation.”

“Oh.” 

Victor laughed gently.

Rory didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to talking to his own form group let alone those in others.

“I don’t mean to pry, but I’ve seen you alone by this spot a couple of times. Do you mind my company?”

Instinctively, Rory wanted to say that he did indeed mind strange, smiling boys wandering into his little enclave. Maybe it was Victor’s smile. Or his warmth. Or his earnest face. Maybe it was nothing at all, but Rory did not object.

“Sure. I don’t mind. Do you enjoy fantasy books?”

“Anything to escape the world, even if only in my mind.”

It was Rory’s turn to smile. It had been a while since he’d had reason to and yet as soon as he did, a twinge of guilt made his insides turn. Why was he here grinning like a fool? Why did he deserve to have a fleeting moment of happiness with someone else when Sam was…gone?

Rory felt the levee behind his eyes break. He barely managed to get up before his cheeks were moist.

“Here. I’ve got to go,” said Rory, trying his best not to let his quivering voice betray him as he tossed the book behind him.

Without waiting for a response, he dashed to the nearest bathroom and sunk to the floor, the tiles cold against his back and legs.

The memory hit him like a speeding truck. He gasped as it made impact and choked as the air left his lungs but got caught in his chest. He’d gotten home for mid-term break. Dinner with Mom had gone well. They’d recapped their lives for the time they were apart. Then, just as he set his plate down and made to get up, she’d asked him to sit a while longer. She’d said that there was something important she wanted to share with him.

“Sam…passed…”

“Really? He was so anxious about that test.”

“No, Rory. I mean, he passed…on…”

“Passed…on…?”

Then it dawned on him. For a moment, Rory’s heart stopped. He didn’t speak or flinch. He sat there petrified, lost for words, lost for thought. The second shoe dropped. Something clicked within him and he understood.

“No…” he said, barely audible.

“Rory, honey. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The illness was quite sudden...”

Rory heard her speaking, but her voice sounded distant. His head was spinning. He was having a hard time breathing.

“No.”

Rory shot up from the table so fast and so suddenly that his mother jumped and cupped her mouth, eyes wide. He didn’t know how he wound up in his room, with his hand in his school bag or how his inhaler found its way to his lips or how his fingers even managed to squeeze the canister. All he noticed was that he could breathe easier even though his chest ached. 

At some point, though he couldn’t tell when, his mother was holding him in her arms as he cried so hard he couldn’t stop heaving. His chest felt inflamed. Each ragged breath ripped his insides so that the tears kept flowing. In the morning, he had no recollection of having drifted to sleep. He woke up to a brilliantly cool and somewhat bright Saturday morning in late October. He felt happy for some reason. He couldn't wait to hear all about Sam's school and tell him all about his. Then it came back to him. He was home on mid-term break. But his happiness quickie gave way to something disconcerting. Something was wrong. Then it hit him. He’d never get to see Sam again. They’d never have another conversation. There would be no more sleepovers. He’d never hear his best friend’s voice again…

When Rory dragged himself up from the bathroom floor, he knew what he had to do. He had to avoid Victor at any and all costs. Rory couldn’t become…friends with him. It simply wouldn’t do. It didn’t matter that Victor had his copy of A Wizard of Earthsea nor that it was a rare edition gifted to him for his fourteenth birthday. What good were imaginary worlds where Sam didn't exist anyway? There was no room for anyone else in Rory’s heart, no other friend would do. Only Sam. Then as always.