1864 Arkansas

1864 Arkansas

Ellen was awoken by the sound of her husband John's voice, coming up the stairs in a hushed but angry tone.

“It don't mean nothing, Sarah. You'll still stay here with us. Think of us as your keepers more than your owners,” John said.

“I've been hearing stories, Mister Addison, that’s all,” said Sarah.

“That's just what they are, Sarah, stories. Pay no mind to them. You keep on with your work, and I'll worry about keeping this house over our heads, you hear?” John said in a tone that meant the conversation was over.

Ellen got up in a hurry, fearing another argument that would end in Sarah being silenced forcibly. Ellen knew that John wasn't a bad man or even a violent man, but she knew from her father what fear could do to a man when he was cornered. And Ellen didn't want that for Sarah. Sarah had a kindness to her that Ellen was drawn to, and a stoicism that was intrepid and far beyond her years.

“What's all this hubbub, John? Morning, Sarah,” Ellen said joyfully as she came down the stairs. Ellen knew that the best way to defuse John was to approach every situation with a smile.

The Addison household was small but functional. Ellen and John slept in the 'Master bedroom,' while Sarah had a small room that was originally intended to be a pantry (but wasn't finished, and had a small leak if it rained heavily) adjacent to the kitchen. This suited everyone because Sarah could do almost all her indoor duties without disturbing Ellen and John too much.

Sarah had been sent to the market that morning to collect enough food to make lunch for John and something for Ellen to eat through the week. A 'privilege,' John had argued, because she was allowed to leave the house alone and she was trusted with money. Ellen had argued it was too far to send a 23-year-old girl alone. But this was just one of many arguments they had over Sarah. Sarah had been purchased for John and Ellen by John's father, before he died, as a way to get them started on their life together. A life together John hadn't necessarily wanted, but one his father had thought proper. As it turned out, John would've needed a lot more help before having a reliable 5-acre corn farm, but his father had succumbed to cholera shortly after helping them purchase the property.

“Morning sweetheart, no 'hubbub.' Me and Sarah were just discussing the gossip down at the market,” John said sweetly.

“There's a war coming, Miss Addison,” Sarah said anxiously.

“No, there isn't,” John said and shot a stare at Sarah that immediately stopped her in her tracks.

“A war? Oh my!” Ellen exclaimed. Sarah nodded sheepishly in response.

“There ain't goin' to be no goddamn war, get that into both of your heads!” John shouted in frustration. “Not today, not tomorrow, not next goddamned week! Now what is happening today is I'm going round to Charley's to help him with the harvest, and both of you are going to keep this place shipshape. And Sarah, if I hear from Ellen, when I get back, that you've been filling her head, yours will get filled with lead.” John smirked at his own witty but cruel poeticism.

Ellen knew full well that John wasn't helping Charley out of some sense of charity, but rather he'd taken a job working for him as a field hand. She had to hide that knowledge from John fiercely because his shame was more unruly than his anger.

“Ok, love,” Ellen said, knowing this mood called for affection, not conflict. She took John's arm and led him to the front door, and away from Sarah's earshot. “I’ll make sure she doesn't get wrapped up in all this war foolishness, and that she knows her place for now on and gets the cooking and cleaning done before you get home.” Ellen leaned in for a kiss, and John reciprocated hurriedly and with no feeling, then left.

Ellen went back to the kitchen to find Sarah looking confused and anxious.

“Is Mister Addison angry with me El? Sarah asked Sarah had gotten used to being more informal and friendly with Ellen since John had taken a regular job which kept him out during the day.

“He’s not angry with you Sarah, he’s just angry; things get hard for a man when he feels everything is on top of him. He shuts himself down to hide” Ellen said “Anyway why am I having to play referee between you and John, get back in the kitchen and finish making us something delicious” Ellen smiled kindly so that Sarah knew she was playing.

Sarah looked back at Ellen and smiled. Sarah had known Ellen half her life, even before Johns father had purchased her she was the daughter of a family of slaves belonging to their neighbour Charley. When Charley had sold the family Sarah had insisted on staying behind, despite her families concerns, to stay close to Ellen as they’d become good friends over the years. Ellen had always felt protective over Sarah despite being only 3 years older. Ellen felt a sense of matriarchal care, and love for her.

John and Charley

John had been standing outside listening to them chatting for a while, he had wanted to make sure that Ellen had told Sarah the lay of the land, but now he could hear them giggling. John felt a burning in his chest, why should they be having a good time together while he is out picking rocks on Charley’s farm, this thought stayed with John during the entire 3 mile walk. Sarah’s a slaves girl, albeit one that’s close to Ellen, but she was never bought by his father to simply entertain Ellen like a pet. He should send her out to work on Charley’s field and Ellen should learn to cook and clean, this is the proper way. John thought to himself as he walked, making himself more and more angry.

When he arrived at Charley’s farm he went straight to the main farmhouse to speak with Charley, it was much bigger than his and well-built, John could see himself living there.

“Mornin Charley” John said masquerading a chipper smile.

Charley was much older than John, closer to the age of his father but not nearly as pleasant, John had quickly begun to see Charley as a substitute father, after his father had died. This had turned out to be a mistake as Charley had viewed John closer to one of his slaves than a son.

“Mornin John,” Charley retorted “Now we’ve still got some work in the lower field that needs doin, and some preparation to be done before harvest, but first I’d like you to go and use your magic wrangling those good for nothing slaves of mine into getting some work done, I know you have a natural way with them folk”

“Now listen Charley, As much as I like coming here, we did agree, that after three weeks work y’all would pay me in grain and dollar” John said as firmly as he could muster “It’s just I need to start working my own land Charley and as much as I appreciate the work all my concerns are falling by the wayside”

“Your concerns!?” Charley said “You need to get your house in order John, if your father could see the way you let that girl walk all over you and how you treat that slave as a pampered pet he’d be spinning in his grave so quick a fire would start”

John’s face started to glow red with rage and embarrassment, he despised Charley thinking he knew anything about who his Father was, or how he’d feel about Johns behavior, he shouldn’t be telling me how to run my life, John thought, as he stormed out without saying another word, knowing full well another word could tip him over the edge and he needed to keep Charley on side, just until he was paid.

“Get those slaves working boy!” Charley hollered after John, that tore it for John, He went straight out and started loading sack after sack of grain into from Charley’s barn into Charley’s cart.

“What are you doing boy!” continued the voice, “you’ll hang for this!”

John saw a billhook lying in the back of the cart and grabbed for it as a physical reflex, he turned to Charley, who was still standing in his doorway, and started walking towards him blade in hand. Charley looked John straight in the eyes trying to intimidate him into backing down, but John continued toward him. The look in John’s eyes made Charley see he wasn’t in a reasoning frame of mind and he quickly shut the door on John.

Ellen and Sarah

Back on Addison’s Farm Ellen was helping Sarah finish up the basic stew she’d been preparing since this morning. Sarah had started a fire in the cook stove and Ellen was moving the pot into place.

“Not yet Missus El” Sarah said sharply “The fire’s not hot enough yet, I want the stove hot before, so it’s boiling and cooking not just simmering in its juices”

Ellen shot a look at Sarah “its ok to talk to me like that Sarah but don’t let John catch you speaking out of turn again. He’s already letting you push the boundaries as it is” Ellen said sternly.

Sarah gave her a smile “Is everything ok between you and Mister Addison, El?” Sarah said with genuine concern.

“We’re fine, what would you know about it anyway” Ellen said her annoyance growing “and stop calling me El, my name’s Ellen, or Missus Addison”

“But I’ve always called you El, since we were littluns, and you always liked it, do you remember when we used to play in the creek, in Papa Addison’s field?” Sarah was trying to reform some lost connection with Ellen “I haven’t heard you and John, you know in the marital way upstairs for a while, so I’m just asking if you too are still in love?”

“What the kind of question is that Sarah?” Ellen said with a tear forming in her eye, because she knew the truth of what Sarah was saying. “What do you know about love, you’ve never even been with a man!” Ellen shouted but quickly withdrew her anger and started crying.

“I was with a man once Missus Ellen, you remember I told you back when Papa Addison bought me when I was probably, I don’t know 20, that’s what made him decide to buy me I think. But you were the only reason I stayed here.” Sarah said starting to cry as well.

“I do remember Sarah, I’m sorry” Ellen whimpered “Mister Addison was a good man , but he got carried away with woman, John’s not like that though, quite the opposite since the accident, you know he’d never come after you at night”

“I know that El, he’s got you, why would he ever want to mess with me when he has a beautiful wife?” Sarah said trying to negotiate a mutually happy ending to the argument

“Of course he’d want you Sarah, everybody wants you” Ellen said still crying, as she lent in to hug Sarah, Sarah embraced Ellen as they both cried , not knowing why they were crying anymore just enjoying the warmth and unspoken love between them. Ellen had been starved of the kind of vulnerable and caring affection that Sarah was showing her and it engulfed an old forgotten desire within her.

Sarah pulled Ellen in closer and pulled her head back and struck up the courage to kiss Ellen gently on the lips, when Ellen reciprocated the kiss Sarah allowed herself to fully fall into the moment, all those years of untold wanting and missed opportunities were bursting out of her. Ellen started to undress Sarah slowly and carefully, Sarah resisted at first but soon did the same to Ellen “Sarah, you know I have always loved you don’t you?” Ellen said.

“Of course, but I thought you didn’t love me the same as I love you Missus El” Sarah said terrified and ecstatic “I’m so happy we were never torn away from each other, so many times I thought I could’ve lost you but you were always right there. You always had my hand and I couldn’t have lived without you. But missus El what if John comes home”

“He won’t be home for hours, he never comes home before dusk” Ellen said as she pulled Sarah to the floor.

“I feel like I’ve only just found you, I don’t want this to be torn from us” Sarah gasped

Sarah heard it first, the sound of a horse and a large wagon. Then a thud as some heavy sacks where chucked to the ground. But both Ellen and Sarah where too enraptured in each other’s arms, they couldn’t break the embrace even if they’d known that John was about to come through the door.

John, Sarah, and Ellen

John stormed in still gripping the billhook in a tense fist, knuckles still white, anger seething. The way Charley had called him ‘boy’ was still ringing in his mind. He looked up his heart stopped.

“What the hell is this!?” John screamed. He could see Sarah naked and writhing but couldn’t see Ellen, at first John thought that maybe Sarah had brought back a lover from the market.

As soon as Sarah rolled over in shock John saw Ellen laying sprawled on the floor. John swung his billhook as an immediate unthinking response to what he was seeing, catching Sarah’s throat cleanly.

“You goddamned heathen whore!” John cried, tears were welling up in his eyes “Why Ellen!?”

Ellen started to sit up to respond, but John brought the handle of the billhook down onto the middle of her forehead hard. Ellen dropped backwards and a loud crack rang out as her head rebounded off the hard floor. John again butted her head with the billhook handle two more times until he saw blood flow from the crack he’d made in Ellen’s forehead. John looked to his left and could see Sarah still squirming, blood coming heavily from the wound he had caused. John went quickly to the kitchen and reached to a loose board above the window, he shunted it aside, and rummaged around until he produced his father’s rifle which had almost never been used; John checked it was loaded then walked meaningfully to the scene he had just left in the dining room. He lowered the rifle to Sarah’s eye line as she lay there glugging and sputtering in desperation. Johns was pouring with tears and rage and simultaneously shaking. He looked to his left and saw Ellen’s eyes had started to open, she fixed him with a longing pleading look.

“No John” she whispered out with as much energy as she could muster “this isn’t you, I know you John.”

Johns mind reeled back to the day he’d first met Ellen and the years they’d spent together. She did know him, John thought, but he no longer knew himself. John turned the rifle and held it to his throat and pulled the trigger. The loud explosion and spray of blood filled the room,

Ellen took three deep breaths and cried out. No words of exclamation, just a raw guttural cry that reached back through her lungs, her heart and into her past, all the memories of heartache and struggle, all the joy everything they had held together spewed out of her like a waterfall of sound and grief.

Ellen rolled onto her side and could see Sarah glugging for air, blood gushing out of her neck with every convulsive breath.

“You’re going to be ok!” Ellen said lying to herself “Just stay calm”

Sarah’s eye’s rolled back into her head.

Ellen looked terrified as she spoke sweetly and softly to Sarah, tears streamed out of her eyes.

“We have all the time in the World”

Sarah’s face turned toward Ellen’s. Her eyes were filled with all the horror, fury and grief that had accumulated over her short life. And her last thought was ‘We have all the time in the world’