When I Come Undone

Trigger warning:this story discusses the topic of miscarriage and pregnancy loss and the anger that comes with it

When I Come Undone

The sun seemed too bright as I exited the hospital.

“Shit,” I say, staring too long in the sky. A single tear drips down my cheek and I quickly slash it away. “Get it together, Delilah.” I inhale a deep breath willing my body to calm. Almost impossible at this point. What a disaster of a day.

 Logan, I need to text Logan.

I find my way back to my shitty car, the handle rusted away. Someday I will buy a new one. Someday, I will make more money. Someday, this life I live will suck less. I keep saying this to myself while I dream away about someday. 

As soon as I sit in the driver's seat, I take out my flip phone. I laugh inside. I have no money, no nice things, not even a nice phone. Yet, I work two jobs trying so hard to support myself. Luckily this crap phone can text. 

“Logan, meet me at the park. I will be on the swings. I need to tell you something.”

I hope he doesn’t get excited about the news, it is not good. In fact, it is worse than our usual bad news. 

My phone dings. “Be there in ten minutes. Love you.”

So sweet. He’s the sweetest guy I have ever known.

I rub my belly, instinctively, and then I cry. Hard sobs rip from me. I slap my cheek and slow the sobs in seconds, although it feels like hours. I glance into the rearview mirror and grab my face. A red mark is glaring back at me. “Ouch. Shit Delilah get it together. Someone will call the police on you,” I scolded myself. I look down at my stomach, and I punch it hard. “Stupid. Worthless.”

I look back in the rearview mirror and slowly begin to back my car out of the narrow parking space. No accidents today, my insurance lapsed last week. Don’t need one more thing to make me remember how pointless my life is.

The drive to the park is monotonous. I have taken this drive every day for the last two years. Working at the hospital cafeteria may not be glamorous, but it has been enough to keep a roof over my head. And Logan respects me. He may be the only person in the world who doesn't look at me as a loser. His eyes sparkle when he sees me, at least they used to. Who knows what he will do after our talk today. 

“You are worthless. No wonder your mother left you.” Ugh, I love hearing the nasty voice in my head. The negative words. My own inner self talk. Maybe the bitch is right. Maybe I am worthless. I mean the one thing women should do easily, and my body rejects it. It has to be a reflection on me. Why else would this happen?

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!” I yell. Man, I am actually losing my mind here. I have to get to the park. I need to wrap my arms around Logan. I need his embrace, his kiss. His words. I need him to remind me what I am, who I am.

I can see the playground up ahead and I sigh. Finally, I am almost there. When I see Logan, I can break down. He will protect me. He will comfort me. He will let me come undone. 

I am staring down at the dirt under the swing, watching my shoe drag along and make circles when I hear a car door slam. I look up, knowing the man I love will be walking toward me. He smiles, and I lose it. Deep sobs rip me open. He runs to my side, lifts my chin up and stares at me.

“Dee, what the hell? What happened?” 

Instinctively, again, my hand wraps my stomach. The minute I rub gently, I feel a burn, a stinging sensation. I rip my hand away, and push Logan back. What I am about to tell him may make him hate me. Hell, when I was told, I hated myself. I still kind of hate myself. At least I hate my body.

“He’s gone,” I yell, too aggressively. “Our baby boy. He’s gone.” The despair has ripped open and cannot be contained.

“Delilah, calm down. Tell me everything that happened.” Ugh, he is still so sweet. My body wants to wrap itself around him and let him take all my pain away. I stop myself though. I need to see his face when I tell him the news. I need to make sure the love in his eyes does not disappear.

“I fainted during work today. I thought maybe I was dehydrated, you know I never drink during my shift. I ran to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. And that is when I noticed the blood. It was everywhere. I screamed and Lily came running in. She had walked me down to the bathroom to make sure I was strong enough. When she saw blood, she scooped me up and rushed me to the ER. They brought me right back. Hooked me right up to the ultrasound. Babe, he was gone. I miscarried. We were so close to the life we had been dreaming about. I lost him. This stupid body let him go. My perfect baby. I am worthless, my parents knew long before I figured it out.” 

I am staring at him now. Not letting myself waver from his eyes for even a second. My whole future lies in his reaction. One second of doubt of his love for me and it will be all over. I have nothing good in my life, except him. Nothing to live for. The only other thing I had ever loved was ripped from me hours ago. And the pain left behind is almost unbearable. Without Logan, it will be.

Tears form in his crystal blue eyes. I watch as one secretly slips out and falls to the ground. He raises a hand and I back away, scared this may be his last touch of love for me.

“Dee, baby, come here,” he coaxes. I stand up leaving the swing swaying behind me, the only noise the random screech of the metal every few seconds. I wrap my arms around him and for this moment, I let myself lean on him. Embrace him. Fall into him. If it all is about to end, I might as well soak in every last good moment.

“Dee, this is shit. This is bullshit. You were so great. You did everything good and right. Every appointment, every vitamin, researched every best practice you could. And you know better than anyone, that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I am so mad. I am pissed. But not at you. Never at you. It’s you and me against the world. Against the bad things that will inevitably happen in our lives. We will get through this. Together.”

“You don’t hate me? Or blame me? I mean I do. I blame myself. My body gave up something amazing. Something incredible. No say from me.”

“I blame no one. Sometimes bad things happen for no reason. It is not so much how the bad thing happened, but more how we let that bad thing dictate the rest of our lives. It would be so easy right now to let it take over. To be consumed by the anger of it all. I could do that easily. But then who wins? How do we work through this and come out on the other side?”

“What if I can’t move on?”

“That would be sad. And lonely. I’m sure if you couldn’t move on then we probably would not have a way to grow and add to our family. But no matter what happens, you will have me. You and me against the world. No matter what.”

“I want to..I want to cry. I want to lose it. I want to scream and shout, maybe throw something. Break things. I want to fall down on the ground and sob. I want to yell at the wind. I want to hug you. I want to hold you. I want to lean on you. I want to crumble. I want to be so mad. And sad. And…I want to move on…someday.”

“Well, then I think that is what we do. We have always been great at dreaming of someday, why stop now?”

He slowly grabs my hand and with his other hand, lifts my chin to look in his eyes. They are still sparkling for me. “Tonight we go home and you begin your journey of leaning on me and crumbling. Tomorrow, we will begin our someday.”

I walk away from the playground, holding his hand in mine. We lost a lot today, but we have each other. And for the first time in my life, I know I have someone I can lean on for all the bads.