I'd always wanted a baby for as long as I could remember.
I loved the idea of taking care of and loving a beautiful creature that I made. It’s been that way since I was a kid. Just the constant longing and excitement knowing that one day, my turn would be here. Then the moment came when I met Nick, or so I thought.
In high school, I was a popular cheerleader. The stereotype if you will. Everything was perfect and he made that even better.. He was also a bit of a stereotype a famous basketball player with his head in the clouds. We were oblivious, but we were in love. He was my first everything. So when I told him that we had a happy accident, I expected a better reaction.
For Nick, hearing those words was a nightmare. But in my ears, they were a dream. The Nick I once knew, left that day and never returned.
He expressed to me that he didn’t want any part in the child’s life and that he was too young. He broke up with me that day and while I was heartbroken, I was excited because I was going to be a mother. Despite being sixteen. I was more than happy to meet them. But by the time I reached a month, you were gone. I had a miscarriage. And boy, did it break my heart.
After hearing of the miscarriage, Nick contacted me asking to get back together but I never answered. I was angry at his happiness. But mostly just depressed to the point where I didn’t bother to answer the phone. I also knew I never wanted to speak to him again. It took me some time, but I finally started to move on and focus on school.
Five years later, I was a junior in college and focused on school. I’d thrown myself into my studies and avoided most people on campus. I was twenty-one now and I was thinking about my future.
One day, my roommate Kate suggested I go to this party that was being talked about around campus. After declining her so many times I figured why not? So I accepted. When we arrived, it was all kinds of chaos in every which corner. But it was college so I wasn't surprised. I drank a bit, talked to a few people, but mostly just kept to myself. I stood in a corner swaying back and forth enjoying the music and my own company. It wasn’t until I looked up that I noticed a guy was watching me from across the room. John.
I returned his stare and he smiled. I smiled back. After what seemed like forever he nodded towards the stairs and walked up, gesturing for me to follow him. And I did. I was never the kind of girl to have one-night stands but I figured it wasn’t a big deal. And so I did. We met a couple more times after the first encounter and not too long after we began dating. I felt he could be the one.
After a couple of weeks of dating, I got pregnant again. I was elated. John was so caring and expressed his happiness as well. I felt so lucky to have this amazing person by my side. And as days went on, he stayed there until I got bad news again.
My baby was gone. Another damn miscarriage.
I was devasted. It was as though it hurt twice as much the second time, but John stayed. He helped me through the pain. Even when my two became a three and four became a five. I was sad but he was there.
He’d always tell me it’ll happen when it’s time and I held onto that because I believed him.
“ Just have some faith.”
After graduation, John proposed and eight months later, we were married and I was so happy. I could start again. I could get my baby. So we tried and tried and tried and tried. But to no avail, nothing. No baby.
About two years into the marriage, I was depressed. I felt sorry for John because he had to be there dealing with this ‘Debby downer’. But he never blamed me. Because of the depression, I spent my time working from home as a freelance writer. I’d stay in bed and write all day and just wait for John to come home. John was a dentist.
After a few months, I was able to start pulling myself out of bed and I’d explore the house that had been a blur for a while to me. One day I remember going to the bathroom to check the medicine cabinet for my daily meds and that’s when I saw it- the abortion pills.
I stood there for what felt like an eternity staring at the bottle. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’d just collapsed right there and cried.
How could the one person I’ve trusted deceive me so? How could he stay with me time after time gaslighting me and not feel a thing? How could I be married to this stranger?
I pulled myself together and waited by the front door, ready to confront him. And not too long after, he came. I just held the bottle in my hand and showed him it.
He began rambling on telling me how he wasn’t ready and had been using these pills on me since the first pregnancy. He’d been crushing them and slipping them into my drinks and I had never noticed. How could I be so stupid? So naive.
“Please don’t leave me. I love you.”
He sat in front of me holding onto my hand asking for a second chance and I couldn’t help but be disgusted and baffled. As if, a second chance would ever be on the table. I honestly think he’s crazy cause there couldn’t possibly be a single sane person that forgives 5 pregnancy losses.
“John. I want a divorce. You’ve lost my trust, my companionship, and my love. I will never forgive you for this. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Those were the last words I’d ever said to him and after leaving that day it was the last time I’d seen him.
Five years later, I was living in New York following my career now as an author. I was living alone in my flat but I was okay. I had gone to the doctor multiple times, after the whole John situation because my body wasn’t doing good. I got the news that having a baby was slim to none because of how many losses I’d had. But I was determined. I went to an Artificial Insemination doctor over a dozen times trying to get my baby but still, nothing.
Two more years pass and still nothing. I was thirty-one with no baby. And I couldn’t be any sadder. I’d have friends tell me to just adopt countless times and I’d always shut them down. I’ve dreamed of being pregnant and making that special connection with my child. I longed for it but it didn’t for me. At this point, I’d given up hope and just began living my life. Until one day, when it changed.
I might’ve been depressed that I couldn’t have kids, but it didn’t stop me from being happy for my best friend when she was pregnant with hers. Jessie had been there for me since Nick happened. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Jessie had two kids, April and Ruby. The cutest things you could ever ask for. They were the closest to kids I’d ever had and I thank Jessie for letting me be in their lives.
One day, Jessie and I had been talking when all of sudden, I had this nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then instantly, I threw up.
“Are you okay? Maybe it was something you ate?”
“Yeah, maybe. All I had was some of your leftovers though, I thought you made that yesterday.”
“Yeah, I did. I don’t know what it could be. Unless...”
“Unless what? Oh no. There’s no way.”
“It’s a possibility. Have you met anyone recently?”
“Hmm, have you been back to the AI doctor at all?”’
“No. Oh, wait yes, I went there about 4 or 5 weeks ago. I just wanted to try one more time. But I haven’t thought about it I figured nothing would happen.”
“4 or 5 weeks? Have you had any cravings? Or missed a cycle? Mood swings?”
“ Yes. Come to think about it I’ve been craving pickles and peanut butter randomly, crying at the smallest of things, and when I missed the cycle I figured it was because I have a midlife crisis every 2 to 4 days.”
“Just to be sure let’s go see your doctor.”
I remember my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest the day I went to see my doctor. My head was telling me not to expect anything but in my heart, I knew this time would be different.
And my heart was right.
My doctor called you the miracle baby. And that is exactly what are. You left me so many times because you knew it wasn’t your time to come.
You knew I wasn’t ready and so you chose the right time for the both of us. A time when I wasn’t obsessive or depressed. Just living.
I’m so happy that finally, I’ve held you in my arms. You’re so beautiful. You are everything I want and more. I’m honored to be your Mommy. I can’t wait for you to hear our story.
My beautiful girl.