Over and Out

Penny, we need to talk. 

You know that feeling, just when you think you’re in control of your life, you find out someone’s been behind the scenes, playing you?

For years, I’ve felt like you’ve had my back. You’ve been there through my college recruitment, my courtship and marriage to Charles, the birth of my only daughter, the challenges of discovering her special needs and meeting them as she grew. You saw me through the guerrilla training camp in Nicaragua, the intelligence mission in Belarus, and that ill-fated Pentagon contract job that left me stranded in war-torn South Sudan. I never would have gotten home without you.

Don’t get me wrong, girl: I’m truly grateful for you being there for me in good times and bad. But now, when I need you the most, you’re totally letting me down. You’ve been using me all along, haven’t you? And now you’re just dropping me like an F-bomb.

Why, you ask, would I bring this up now, after all this time?

Because we’re nearing the final chapter. I can feel you, once this strong presence in my life, now wavering and fading. At first I chalked it up to a bad case of nerves. But now it’s clear: you are done with me.

You helped me become so strong. I have become determined to succeed, ready to leap over any hurdle in my way. I’m Penelope Kix, after all! I live hard, love hard, and work even harder. I can feel the adrenaline, I’m ready to go…so why on earth are you trying to hold me back?

You know me, Penny. Heck, you made me! You filled me with boldness. You played up my striking good looks and toughened my heart so I could defend truth, honor, and family. You put me into military training and gave me a vocabulary that could cut a drill sergeant down to size without using a single profane word. You prepared me for anything a good action novel could throw at me—and throw at me you did! Didn’t I prove to you that I could handle it?

So why back off now? 

Granted, I know you’re still drafting this story. But we’re near the end, and where I would normally be rescuing a hostage with one hand while holding a stun grenade in the other, you have me ducking for cover and waiting for the bullets to stop flying. You have me shaking.

Shaking, Penny. That’s not me. That’s you.

Why are you so afraid? What are you so afraid of?

It’s like I can see you staring at the screen, cursor blinking, waiting for your fingers to fly. We’ve reached the climax of the conflict, and once you figure out how to wrap it up, all that’ll be left to write is the end: the happy reunion with my family; the intense, heartfelt conversation where Charles and I discuss the only option for little Lucy to have any chance at a normal teen life; and then my forceful entry into Captain Trainor’s office to tender my resignation. Even I can see that coming. It will be the end not just of this book but of your Penelope Kix series, because without the kickin’ job, I won’t be Penelope Kix anymore. I’ll just be Penelope. Penny.

I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m just your stand-in, Penny. It’s so obvious you’ve been using me, your protagonist, as an avatar. We went through our all of our life phases together, remember? I was born as a college coed when you were in college. You and I met our spouses at the same time, got married around the same time, had our babies together. So why….

Oh my goodness, Penny…is that it?

Is your world changing as well?

Why didn’t I see it before? *shaking my head*

Okay, back it up and rewrite this dialogue between us, girlfriend. I get it now: it’s you, not me, in that compound, crouching with your arms over your head, wondering what your next move will be.

Let’s do this, Penny. 

Ask yourself: What would Penelope do? The only hostage to save is you, held prisoner by your fear and uncertainty. That’s you, standing up and taking charge, rescuing the hostage (yourself—*wink*) and holding the grenade, the distraction and destruction in your hand that can keep your enemies at bay until you have time to make your escape. 

How, you ask? Well, that keyboard of yours is a powerful weapon.

With your keyboard you created me, and look what you made me do! Not only did I kick some serious butt; I made you a buttload of cash. Penelope Kix took the young-adult action genre by storm and allowed you to quit your day job, care for your family, and do what you love. It is you who lives hard, loves hard, and works harder—I never could have done that unless you had done it first.

I know you will edit this sentence, but: girl, get your stuff together. You got this. Go finish your manuscript for Penelope Kix: Over and Out, and give me the best freaking ending you can. Don’t be afraid of where it will lead me, or where it will lead you. We have been through a lot together, and this is the right time for me to go my way and you to go yours. 

Your next protagonist will be smart, alluring, and multi-talented. She will be different from me, and that’s a good thing. Because after you finish this series, you will be different from me too. It’s time for a new avatar, one that is ready to take on whatever challenges lie ahead of you. Will she be a soldier on the war front? In the courtroom? On the streets of social disparity? You get to choose her battleground.

Will I get to meet her before I resign? I hope so. She already sounds awesome, like if life were different, we would be great friends. 

I have faith in you. You wrote me well. You used me well. Now it’s time to stand up and throw that grenade. It may be my last mission, but it certainly isn’t yours.