Why am i still here?

"I am fed up!"

And as if that wasn't enough, Arthur added, "I am so fed up with all of this!"

These are indeed very pertinent statements made by Arthur.

How can someone with Arthur's life utter such atrocities? And this, so close to those who wish him the best in the world and care for him with all their hearts. What could Arthur be fed up with?

He is an extremely successful man, with a dream career, a well-lived life in many places, and acquaintances with the most diverse people. The result of his intense work allows him to do what most cannot, granting him a freedom not accessible to all. He is internationally known and acclaimed for what he does, for the good he does, and for what he provides to everyone around him.

It has also allowed him to be loved, often poorly loved and for the wrong reasons, but he has been loved, and today he is loved by those who would never leave him. Today, he is loved for the right reasons, genuinely loved. He is loved by those who know him well and appreciate him, by those who understand his struggles and demons, by those who understand him even in despair. Arthur is now loved and cared for as he deserves.

He shares a relationship with someone characterized by mutual understanding, pure friendship, and extreme harmony. They do everything together and do not regret or lament the routine they have built. They don't agree on everything, but they agree to disagree. And it works very well for them. Arthur is very dominant, and she lets herself be dominated when she understands. Arthur has not yet realized that she admires and venerates him above all because she knows the extent of his heart. Little does Arthur know that her decision to stay is grounded in her ability to perceive, celebrate, and itemize all the goodness he holds.

So why is Arthur fed up with everything?

"I am fed up with living!" he says more often than he should.

"Why doesn't God take me now?"

Arthur complains a lot, about everything, even about ants.

"Why do these creatures exist? What purpose do they serve? And snakes? And mosquitoes? And sharks? What purpose do these creatures serve?"

Arthur is hyperactive. Just as his body never stops, neither does his brain. He thinks about everything and anything. Everything, for him, is open to analysis. For every step he takes, he must have an opinion. And he often falls into the trap of thinking he must have an opinion about everything, especially complaining about everything, even about life itself.

"God has never made life easy for me! Everything has to be difficult for me! I'm so unlucky that my dad used to say that if I ever started a hat business, children would be born without heads from that moment on!"

She responds:

"If you say that God has never made life easy for you, what makes you think he will make death easy?"

She believes that Arthur will live for many good years, not only because that is what she desires, as she cannot imagine life without him, but also because she knows that Arthur still has much to live and, in a way, much to learn.

His heart and attitude are indeed remarkable and admirable, but Arthur continues to complain, and only when he learns to stop will God take him. She believes that deep down, Arthur recognizes that he has had some good fortune, but he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a result of his hard work, persistence, and discipline.

But Arthur cannot see the luck he has. He lives in that world of denial and negativity, where when something goes well, or better than he expected, he doesn't value it or celebrate it. Arthur doesn't understand that many little things make a big whole.

"Why doesn't God take me now?"

"What use am I here with all this suffering?" Arthur says in despair.

She always tries to calm him and enumerate the reasons why he is still here, making him see all the good things he has in life, the things he can still have, and how much he is missed by those who genuinely love him. Arthur doesn't listen, or he listens slowly because he can't hear what he wants to hear and can't understand the:

"Have patience, everything will be fine."

But it won't, it won't until Arthur understands that what he most wants to resolve and see resolved is beyond his control. Despite the guilt he feels, that's not what makes him "guilty." He doesn't understand that there are things in life that have no name or explanation. No solution. And that's what makes him say he's "fed up."

He's tired of not being able to solve one thing in his life, one of the most important things. Of everything he can control in his life, managing everything, he feels like the unhappiest and unjustly treated being in the world because he can't fix "that situation." She doesn't condemn him. She knows that with just that situation resolved in his life, Arthur would be even more extraordinary. Or maybe not, and it's precisely that unresolved matter in his life that makes him the best one could expect in a human being. It is precisely that inhuman situation he lives in that is responsible for his kindness.

"God is punishing me! What have I done so wrong to be experiencing this?" says Arthur.

"Please, the fault isn't yours, and God isn't punishing you. You're admired and cherished by thousands of people, and this is the only matter beyond your control. It doesn't hinge on you, and you're no lesser for it."

She stays with Arthur, and that's how she intends it until God decides it's time for one of them to leave. She tries to make him breathe more often than he ventilates. She tries to make Arthur learn to like himself because he's not succeeding in doing so.

Deep down, she tries to make him see himself as she sees him.