Paradise Lost

Once I was happy. Not just once, as a moment, but once as a period of time, long ago. I just didn't know it. So, I went searching for happiness.

I close my eyes. The plane has already left the runway and soared into the heights. I used to be afraid of flying. Not anymore, after spending so many hours on planes. I got used to it. Habit numbs you. The first time you experience something new, it tickles your stomach and brings satisfaction. But once you get used to it... that's another story. You become like stone. Cold and insensitive. Sometimes, that's better.

In three hours, I'll be there again. I haven't been there in twenty years. Since I left the town of H. Not even to visit Aunt Adele. When she got sick, I sent for her and placed her in a nursing home near me. Yes, near. As if I was ever really at home. I wasn't by her side when she closed her eyes forever, and that will haunt me eternally.

I was surprised when Maria told me a month ago that I had an email from a certain Luisa. Luisa is my high school friend. We used to be quite close. In my previous life. She wrote that she had been trying to contact me for a long time through my official social media, but without success. Now she's contacting me through my work email and joyfully informs me that there's a reunion of all of us from high school in a month, 20 years after graduation. I have to admit, at first I decided not to reply to her. But, a moment later, for some reason, I don't know why, I replied to her saying that I'm happy she found me and that I'll gladly come if my schedule allows.

And here I am now, flying there. And I can't shake the feeling that I decided to go just to confirm that I succeeded, that I didn't make a mistake that day when I packed up and set out into the world alone.

I never met my parents. I grew up in foster families. I arrived at Aunt Adele's when I was three, and she's the only one I remember. An energetic woman with lively black eyes. In pictures, I looked so different from her - pale, skinny, and tiny. But she was my only support in those days. With her, I felt safe.

Many children passed through her house, but I stayed. We had a special bond, so when I was six, Adele decided to officially adopt me. I used to call her Aunt Adele, and she didn't insist on changing it after adoption. Even though she was the only mom I knew, she remained my aunt till the end. And that word meant she was everything to me.

I was a shy child and didn't make friends easily. I was often the target of teasing by other children. I don't know why the red-haired, freckled Luisa took me under her wing. It happened when Mitch was laughing at my bangs, which I had impulsively cut myself. Luisa stood in front of me and suddenly stuck her tongue out at Mitch. We were both, Mitch and I, left bewildered in that moment.

Anyway, from then on, Luisa and I became almost inseparable. We often slept over at each other's houses. She loved my vivid imagination and when I told her made-up stories that I allegedly read somewhere. And I loved following her into adventures I would never have had the courage for. Like when we sneaked into Bill's orchard, a cantankerous old man, and picked a basket full of apples. Or when we sneakily entered her teenage sister's room and read giggling her diary full of love woes caused by a certain Rob.

Our relationship didn't change much over the years. I stopped telling made-up stories and instead wrote them down in a notebook that I never showed anyone, not even her. But I still enjoyed jumping into situations I wouldn't have had the courage for alone. Like when we secretly entered the old cinema hall, locked up for years, and discovered the forgotten movie reels. Or when we broke into the old church bell tower and rang the bell in the middle of the night just for the thrill of it.

However, deep down, I always felt like something was missing and eluding me. That happiness was out there somewhere, and I had to find it. But I didn't want to go after it. From early childhood, I sometimes felt a dull ache in my stomach, reminding me that I wasn't in the right place, that I didn't have a home, and that if I didn't go on my own, life would force me to wander and search. But what, I didn't even know.

I didn't have any special ambitions. Secretly, I wanted to become a writer. But apart from writing out of love, I didn't take any steps towards it. I drowned in the life of a small town. I guess I desperately wanted to belong somewhere, and I nipped in the bud the possibility of standing out and making a name for myself. But that's not why I married Freddie. On the contrary, I loved him.

After high school, I got a job at the bookstore. So I was surrounded by books, surrounded by what I love. Apart from naive teenage loves, I didn't have any serious relationships. I didn't even think about it. Luisa was already engaged to Paul, the local firefighter. Of course, I was chosen to be her maid of honor. 

One day she invited me camping by the river. Besides Paul and her, his colleague, who would be his best man, was supposed to come. That's how I met Freddie. I remember only the mosquitoes from that camping trip, which bit me all evening, and the endless depths of Freddie's blue eyes. That's when I plunged into them and didn't want to leave. I would have stayed forever in his strong embrace if I had had my say. But, as usual in life, I didn't.

Soon, after Luisa's and Paul's wedding, it was Freddie's and mine. I remember Aunt Adele's teary eyes and Freddie's smiling face, proud, standing with broad shoulders, and looking at me with love. He told me I was the most beautiful bride he had ever seen. I knew I wasn't, but I believed he thought so because he loved me. 

I was sure that my life would proceed as usual from that moment on. I had finally rid myself of that silent suspicion that would condemn me to eternal wandering. I would live the life of an ordinary woman in H. I would be bathed in Freddie's love. We would have children. I would work at the bookstore. Maybe I would open my own. Everything would be ordinary and beautiful.

And it was. In the first year of our marriage, I was in paradise. Nothing spectacular happened. But I radiated happiness. It was there, and it was mine. I breathed in the smell of the linden tree in the spring and fell asleep without a care in Freddie's arms. Everything was so simple. Happiness was like that. It exuded ease, something I hadn't known until then.

Luisa gave birth to her daughter Emily, and I could see in Freddie's eyes how he melted as he looked at her. I knew he would be a wonderful father, and I wanted us to become parents soon too. But when you're happy, you don't rush; you let happiness carry you. I didn't know how to surrender; I made plans, as if happiness required a to-do list to follow.

I remember that afternoon well. I was preparing lasagna for dinner when I heard sirens in the town. Freddie was at work, and I hoped these sirens didn't mean he would have to go and wouldn't make it home in time for dinner. But he didn't come home. I turned on the TV and searched for the local station, but they weren't reporting anything. For a moment, a dull ache pierced my stomach, my old acquaintance, who hadn't been there for a long time, but I dismissed it. I decided not to have dinner and to wait for Freddie. I took a book to pass the time.

The doorbell woke me up. I didn't know when I fell asleep with the book in my hand, or how much time had passed. It was already dark outside. I jumped up and opened the door. It was Paul and Luisa. Meeting their red eyes, I immediately realized what had happened, and everything turned black before my eyes. I fell into darkness. I'm not even sure if I ever woke up.

A fire broke out in the fireworks factory in the industrial zone. Freddie went there with the team. The guys risked their lives to save the employees. There were injuries among both the workers and the firefighters. But only one lost his life. My Freddie.

It's an understatement to say that after his death, I became my own shadow. I didn't want to see anyone, not even Luisa and Paul. Their happiness hurt me. I quit my job at the bookstore. Good Aunt Adele saw me spiraling and suggested I come back to her house. I firmly refused.

After a period of deep sorrow, the feeling of anxiety that came in waves returned. Initially vague, and then stronger and more persistent. Happiness, which I thought I had found, wasn't there. It was waiting for me somewhere else, and I had to go after it. This time, I decided not to resist.

I applied for several jobs in distant cities. They called me from D. for an interview for a secretary position at a publishing house that was just starting to make its mark. I stood before Freddie's grave that day before leaving and shed tears, with which I had cried out a part of my soul and left it there. I packed, determined not to return even if they didn't hire me for that position. I decided to sell the house where Freddie and I had lived so beautifully. I took all my savings and, without notifying anyone, not even Aunt Adele, I left the town. I only contacted her later, when she had almost gone mad with worry, almost reporting my disappearance to the police.

I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't hired me at the publishing house, but they did, and I started working as Tom's secretary. He was a very ambitious, older, bald gentleman who demanded great dedication to work from everyone, including me. Since I didn't have a private life, I could fully meet his demands. This allowed me to progress as the publishing house's success grew. After a few years, I became Tom's right-hand woman, and then something more.

After Tom bought a well-known TV station in D. and became a media mogul, I became Mrs. Harrison. It had barely been a year since his significantly older first wife's death, so there was no big wedding, nor did I want one. Just a private wedding at the villa in Italy with a few select guests. Aunt Adele couldn't come because of her health, but she wished me luck. And I felt like, instead of getting closer to happiness with every step, it kept slipping away from me a little.

I don't know how I became the ice bitch, as the employees call me behind my back, but it was difficult to maintain the position when you're surrounded by people who seem like friends, but you're never sure if they really are. What I learned from Tom is that I must never show weakness. If they sense you're vulnerable, if the beasts smell blood, you're done. I feel like I've been living in a constant battle for a long time now, and currently, I'm winning. If I falter, everything changes.

Sometimes, when I stay awake in James's embrace after our passionate nights, I think I could bare my soul to him. But I quickly dismiss that moment of weakness. He's just my charming head assistant, hungry for success like I once was. And he learns fast. Whether we'll be on the same side tomorrow or bitter rivals, only time will tell.

Tom stepped back from the business last year and left everything to me. I'm aware that, if my health holds up, I have many prosperous years ahead. But it's good to have someone by your side, like Tom had me, whom I can teach everything I learned from Tom. Only, one must choose wisely. And be lucky. And that's my weak spot.

I was never bothered by the knowledge that Tom had mistresses. I knew from the start that I wasn't the only one. But I was the one he chose to share the most important things with him: business secrets, wealth, and success. That's not love, but a wise choice. And maybe that's how Tom shows love. Like his good student, I also chose my lovers for interest or amusement. And now I have to decide wisely. I still have time because Tom is holding up well, but time inexorably passes, and when Tom is no more, I must have a ready choice.

I believe everyone in the small town of H. thinks I've succeeded and that perhaps Freddie's death, as horrible as it sounds, was my lucky turning point in life. I think of all those men and women in the town who gave up on their big dreams, occasionally reading some news about me and feeling envy. They can't even imagine that sometimes, in quiet evenings with a glass of wine, I allow memories to return to the days when I melted into Freddie's embrace. I feel the smell of the linden tree growing right outside the bedroom window and my lips tremble from the forgotten kisses. I return for a moment to the lost paradise, and tears shine in my eyes, which I don't let fall.

It's been a month since I received Louisa's email, and I've been contemplating how I should stop searching for happiness. Perhaps I once had it and won't find it anymore. Aunt Adele's house is still in my possession, and no one lives in it. I've never had the courage to go there, neither to the house nor to the town of H., and confront the past, probably to avoid realizing that this whole journey in pursuit of happiness has been futile. Maybe the happiness has always been there beside me, just changing forms. I wished to find my old notebook with stories I used to write in Aunt Adele's house. Now, I could publish them and fulfill the dreams of the young girl who didn't even dare to dream.

I open my eyes. I have the privilege of flying on a private plane without anyone interrupting me while I wander in my thoughts. I've gotten too used to solitude. One more habit. I have another hour's drive to the town of H. I'll go first to Aunt Adele's house. I've already arranged for it to be cleaned and prepared for my arrival. I don't know how I'll deal with my emotions when I step in there, but I have enough time to gather myself by tomorrow and meet up with the gang from school.

Another meeting is breaking me. Okay, not quite a real meeting. I've arranged for flowers to be taken to Freddie's grave every year on the anniversary of his death. Today, for the first time in many years, I'll go there and lay a wreath of linden branches. I'll allow myself to feel a touch of the past just for a moment. And to realize who I would have been if I hadn't become what I am now. To try to answer those questions that haunt me - would I truly be happy if the tragedy hadn't occurred, or would I realize at some point that happiness is forever beyond my reach?

Then I'll put on a smile and meet Luisa and Paul and the other townsfolk eager to see for a moment what their success would look like if they had the courage to dare and pursue their dreams. And, in fact, they won't even know that they might already be happy and living in their own little paradise.