Life's Last Kiss

Every breath feels like being by the ocean. Every wave coming to shore is filled with love and energy from nature all around us. With every receding wave, it leaves the peaceful feeling of just being. And yet, after the wave recedes, it leaves a trail of foam in the sand. The wave may be gone, but nature’s unconditional love will continue to linger.

Just like the moon is the life force of our tides, the soul is the life force of our breaths. Everything on this earth ebbs and flows. The ocean, as well as man. Life, as well as death.

The memories of pure innocence and joy start to form behind my closed eyes, as this sense of childlike wonder fills my heart while reminiscing about all the treasures in my life.

My first time smelling a flower.

My first time dancing.

My first time feeling the soft fur of a cat on my cheek.

My first time falling in love.

My first promotion.

My first time becoming a parent.

Seeing all the wonders of my life, both big and small, makes my heart sing. I listen deeply to the melody and quickly make out a rhythm. It reminds me of birdsong on a beautiful summer day in the park. The tenderness and warmth in their tone as they sing for everybody to hear is exactly how my heartbeat sounds.

The childlike wonder starts to fade, as the feeling of sorrow begins to intrude. I no longer feel joyous and innocent in my heart, I only feel heavy and confused. It is like this dark veil of upheaval is separating me from the sanctuary of tranquility, that I am so desperately trying to hold on to. I have been thrown out of paradise and into the abyss of chaos that echoes every torment and regret that I have ever felt.

My first lie.

My first heartbreak.

My first time losing a pet.

My first depression.

My first time losing a job.

My first time losing a parent.

Where there had been singing just moments before, now feels like a ship sinking further and further down into utter despair. As I am grasping for air about to give in, I think of my sanctuary where I felt peace, love and calm. Could I find my way back?

As with the ocean, so is life; emotions come in waves. Sometimes the waves come crashing, and we need to learn how to ride them. It is a bittersweet feeling as the hurt will always be there. On some days, the waves will be high and stormy, and on other days the ocean will be still and serene.

Of all my heartaches, the most difficult has been the burden of learning how to live with them all. But through the darkness of my hardships, I have also understood something clearly at last. Choosing to love from within has brought a light in the dark. It is the most important relationship that I will ever have. It makes my heart shine outward again, and it makes it sing. I can already hear the tender birdsong again, as I rise back up and walk through the gates to my paradise. I am instantly hit by a familiar serenity in my spirit.

Even though everything feels familiar, it also feels quite different. It no longer feels naïve and innocent. It no longer feels simple and immature. My heart has grown, and I am no longer on the Fools journey. I am a little wiser, but not all-knowing. I am a little more virtuous, but not perfect. I am a little more experienced, but not an expert. I am a little more mature, but not all there yet.

Now I not only hear and feel the birdsong in my heart. I can see all the colors of every tone in the melody. I can see every color of every beat in the rhythm. It takes me back to every beat that has ever moved through my hips, and every love song to which I have ever slow danced. I have loved with every ounce of my being, and I know in my heart that I have never truly lost. I will forever cherish every person and animal I have met, every place I have been, and everything that I have seen. I will carry that in my soul until the end of time.

As I feel my last breath coming closer, I also feel life’s last kiss rushing over me like the euphoria of laughing uncontrollably. Like getting a promotion. Like getting a furry companion.

I feel my chest tighten as my breathing gets shallower. In the distance I can hear voices telling me that it is okay to let go. I can barely hear who the voices belong to, but one thing I can hear for sure, is the love and care in their voices as they wish me well on my last journey. I can feel a hand touching mine. It is warm and soft. I feel a hand stroking my cheek, and I hear someone humming a melody in the distance.

I feel my heart beating slower. My breathing has stopped. Everyone around me seems further away. My entire body feels numb, and I can no longer feel the hand that was stroking my cheek moments before. The voices of my family are being replaced by the sound of Gabriels trumpet. I am being called to return home, and I must head the call. I feel ready to let go.

Suddenly, everything is silent. I feel weightless as I float up towards the peaceful sky. I stop and look back and see my family are all sad that I am gone. I know I must go, but I remind them through the language of the heart that I may be gone, but my unconditional love for life, and everyone I have shared it with, will continue to linger for long after I am gone.