Wouldn't Take Nothing For My Journey

Are you there God? It's me, Hortece. It’s been a while since we have actually had a sit down conversation. You know I rarely go to church anymore and my grandma, Nana, is probably rolling in her grave on that one. She took us to church, me and my sister every Sunday that she could and sometimes even my bad cousins who couldn’t keep still to save their necks. She was always pinching one of them to sit still and of course they wouldn’t. Their mother blamed it on the fact that they were boys but we knew better. Them being boys had nothing to do with it. Well, God, I came to talk about me today. That should not surprise you since I am sitting here on the verge of 60 years old and broke as a joke. I have a total of $1.21 in my checking account and $23.27 in my purse. That’s sad huh? But, I am not blaming you, God. No, you gave me common sense and so I am only blaming myself. But, since I don’t have anyone else to talk to, I am talking to you. 

I know that I sound like a pathetic fool having a pity party, God. Yeah, that is exactly what it is. But, like  I said you are the only person who will listen to this and not say, “I told you so.”  I guess I got myself into this state of life, as I call it, way back in high school. It was my Freshman year to be exact. That year I went to the only dance I was allowed to go to and met my first boyfriend, Jeffery. I was having a good time trying to dance with my girlfriends. God, you forgot to give me some rhythm and I was dancing around like a fish out of water. Nobody cared though. Everyone was doing their own thing. I had just finished dancing to a Donna Summer song with my best friend, Laura, when Jeffery walked over to me. He was a fine drink of hot chocolate with sparkling brown eyes and a big afro that looked like a halo on top of his head. I knew that I was in trouble when my heart started beating fast and I was not tired from the last dance. He walked over to me with a stagger that to this day no man has matched and took my hand in his and asked me to dance. We danced for the next four years. I was a senior before I realized that he was cheating on me with the girl who lived on my block. Trisha had many boyfriends but I didn’t think mine would be one of them. 

After Jeffery I vowed not to ever date a cheating man again and go to college. I did go to college when I turned 19 but that didn’t last long. The college I went to was one big extension of HIgh School and nobody was interested in getting any type of degree and that was including me. After a year of mostly talking to young men and boys and hanging out with my girlfriends I dropped out. I thought that I would do better finding a job. My mom was not happy and my Nana was livid. They saw more potential in me than I did at the time. But, neither of them tried to stop me finding a job. In my family as you know, God, they let you figure out things the hard way. 

I got my first job working temporarily at the post office for the holiday season. I was young and the men there were falling all over the young women who were hired for the season and I felt like a kid in a candy store. Nobody told me not to date where you work so I did. That turned out to be a disaster. I was so obsessed with one older man that I knew he was probably doing the happy dance when I left. My second job at the library lasted for 10 years. It probably would have lasted even longer had I not met Bryce. Bryce was passing by the bus stop on Valentine’s Day of all days, when I was waiting for the bus to go to work. I had on my Valentine's shirt covered with hearts tucked inside my black jeans and holding my jacket in one hand and backpack in the other. It was a unseasonably warm day and the bus was late. Bryce waved as he passed by the bus stop and I foolishly waved back. I wasn’t sure if I knew him or not. I have met many people at my library job and it was not uncommon for some of them to wave at me when I wasn't there on the street. Bryce circled the block and pulled over his gold car. He rolled down the window and asked if I wanted a ride. I declined. He asked for my number. I looked him over the best I could in the car and I guessed that a man with that many curls and that many freckles would not do me any harm. I was wrong. 

Before the relationship was over he had cheated on me, brought his girlfriend on the side over our house many times claiming she was a friend of a friend and left me tired, battered, and jobless. I had lost my library job of eleven years. I ran back to my mom’s house. God, you know she was right about him. When my mom said she did not like a man I was dating I listened and should have listened when she said that about Bryce. 

Well, God, here I am many years later with a 17 year old son who has a bottomless pit for a stomach and a no good father. Another time I should have listened to my mother.  My world fell apart on November 19th, 2021. I had survived the pandemic when the world was closed. I was still working. My job was deemed essential. I was essentially taking care of my sick mother and getting a paycheck. I would be lying if I said that the paycheck didn’t matter. It mattered. It kept a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. My mom died that warmer than usual November afternoon in my arms. God, I never missed anyone so much as I miss her. God, I know that you had your reasons for taking her and I know that I selfishly wanted her here for many more years but I understand. I understand that she could no longer bear the pain of just getting dressed and out of the bed. I understood that having no voice coming from her vocal cords was just too much for her to bear and you took her home, to heaven. I can only hope that she is at peace now and her voice is back, her joints don’t hurt and she is up there dancing with my father. 

So, God, can you give me a clue what I am supposed to do now? Any sign would be nice. I look up at the skylight waiting for something to fall down and hit my head and tell me what is next. I smile when nothing does. Remember God, I asked you for a husband? What happened to that? I laugh. I was thinking that I am probably better off not having one right now. I sat there on my red recliner which has seen better days and I put my hands together this time and I thank God for my many blessings and my parents, sister, brother, son and all the rest of the people I love and have loved and then I reach for my laptop. God said, “Girl get off your butt and take care of yourself like you know how to do. I did give you a brain and I know you can figure it all out.” I typed in a job search on Google and looked to the heavens again and smiled. Me and God knew it was going to be alright.