Not Going Home for Christmas

The snow outside the bar was falling in large puffs. Almost as though cotton fluffs were descending to the ground collecting. While the inside was warm, I knew the chill outside would bite at my nose. Thankfully, I was not inclined to leave the comforts of the bar.

"Hey Sarah, are you heading home for Christmas Eve?" Beth, a friend of mine, asked. Her big blue doe eyes bore into me.

"Not this year. I have a lot of work to get done. I find I have fallen behind again," I responded. Lies. I had all my work done weeks ago. I wish it were as simple as paperwork that kept me away from my family during the holidays.

I never went home for the holidays. Truthfully, I never went home at all. However, I couldn't tell Beth any of that. If I did it would lead to a host of questions as to why. And knowing Beth she would want to attempt to fix something too far gone.

"Well try not to work too hard, okay? Try to enjoy the holiday some," Beth said. Her eyes held concern, but she didn't press the matter any further. She slid out of the booth putting a large olive-green coat over her petite frame. "See you after New Year's."

I watched as she shoved her way through the bar patrons out into the bitter night. Beth had a large family she would undoubtedly be spending the holidays with. I couldn't help but envy the fact she had a family who cared so deeply about her. Unlike what I would expect if I ever dared to cross the threshold of my childhood home.

Not feeling inclined to head back to my small apartment I pulled out my sketch pad. Something was soothing about sketching my surroundings. I could feel a hair tie digging into my wrist and decided to tie my tawny brown hair back. I dug in my bag for the case that held my graphite drawing pencils. My hands found the familiar hard case and pulled them out.

It was now to figure out what I was going to draw. I glanced around the bar hoping to be inspired by something. I needed a distraction from the thoughts that began to flood my brain. Nothing. Nothing sparked my artistic mind, and I was left with my thoughts.

What was it my family was doing now? In the past Christmas Eve would be the first time we would all come together. I traditional dinner at my grandmother's house. She would make her award-winning lasagna. I never understood how lasagna was a Christmas food, but it was so good I never questioned it. Were they enjoying the delicious meal now? I looked over at the half-eaten burger and fries on the table next to me. As I thought about the meal I used to eat, they lost their appeal.

I wished I could return to the warmth of memories. Back before I was cast out and left to fend for myself. The downward spiral began in my mind. Everything came flooding back at that moment and I couldn't stop them. As I was about to tailspin, I heard a familiar voice.

"Sarah? Are you ok?" It was Beth's voice. I raised my head to see her staring at me. Her eyes were wide and began to water.

"I-I thought you left," my voice shook as the words left my mouth. No one was supposed to see this. Not anyone that mattered anyway.

"I did but I forgot my scarf," she said as she gestured to the navy-blue pile on the table. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. Though I did not believe the words that came out of my mouth. My emotions were betraying me. I could feel my brown eyes welling with tears. They burned as my vision began to cloud. I swore I wouldn't cry. Not here. Not now. Yet again my body betrayed me.

My eyes could no longer hold back the pools that had filled them. Streams cascaded down my cheeks falling to my lap. Damn it. I felt a shift in the weight of the booth and an arm around me. I looked up to see Beth with tears in her eyes as well.

I don't know how long the two of us sat there crying in the bar. I am sure there were a lot of looks in our direction. It was not every day you had two women ugly crying together in a booth. Eventually, we were able to compose ourselves.

"Sorry for crying too. I just couldn't stand seeing you in that much pain," Beth said as she sniffed. She let go of me and reached for a napkin on the table and blew her nose. "Now will you tell me what is wrong?"

I contemplated lying again. It would have been easy to tell her that it was just because I missed my family. It would mostly be true. However, her response would be to forget work and go home. And that was not an option. No, I had to tell someone the truth.

"I don't have work that is keeping me from going home," I started. Beth didn't seem completely surprised by my confession. In truth, I was one of the most efficient people at the office. After a minute she put her hand on my shoulder urging me to continue. "The truth is I am not welcome around my family anymore."

"What do you mean? Why wouldn't they want you?" Her voice went high in surprise.

"I haven't been home in almost five years." It was painful to realize how long it had been. "I never was full accepted in my family. Honestly, it felt more like I was something they had to put up with out of obligation. Which was fine because I had my grandfather. It was never that way with him. He would always tell me to ignore them and continue to be myself. But then it happened…"

Tears began to well in my eyes again at the memory. My heart ached and broke all over again. After all this time it still felt as fresh as the day it happened.

"What happened Sarah?" Beth said her voice small. I took a big breath before I could continue.

"I was spending the day with my grandfather as I did every Tuesday. My grandmother was out shopping, so I kept him company. We were watching wheel of fortune and suddenly he grew quiet. I looked over and something was wrong. He looked so still it was disturbing." I paused again and held back a new set of sobs. "He was gone in an instant. My grandfather sat in his favorite chair as still as the grave."

"I don't understand. Why would that cause your family to cast you out?" Beth whispered. Her brows were pulled together as she tried to figure out how all the pieces fit together.

"They blamed me," I said plainly. There was still half a beer sitting in front of me. I reached for it and downed it in a single gulp. I finally told someone.

"How?! How could they blame you for what was obviously a natural death?" Beth asked. Outrage was clear on her face. I felt touched she came to my defense so quickly. Beth really was a good friend.

"Well, as I said earlier they were never fond of me. I don't think there was love from anyone for me besides my grandfather. They needed someone to blame for his death. My family is not one to accept things at face value." I explained as I stared into the now empty glass. "It was easier to blame and continue to hate me than accept mortality."

"That's horrible," Beth said. Horror was written all over her face. I knew it was not how normal families functioned, but it was how mine survived.

"So, I can't go home no matter how much I would want to. I am not welcome there by anyone. Not anymore." I said definitively. There was almost a relief finally telling someone what I had been holding in. It did not change my situation, but I felt lighter.

Beth excused herself from the table and walked up to the bar. I knew she was getting us some shots but all I really wanted was a piece of my grandmother's lasagna. Part of me wondered what would happen if I walked through her door tonight. Would they physically turn me away again?

Not that it mattered because I had moved myself to the other side of the country. Far away from the temptation to beg for their love. I realize now I didn't need it anymore. As I watched Beth return to the table, I realized I had found a place where I didn't have to fight for it.

I would still mourn what I lost. But I would not longer allow those emotions to dictate my life. I did not need to go home. It was never truly mine to begin with. I found it here far away from the drama of my family. I realized I was happier without them. I would never return "home" again.