Just Breathe...

“THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!”, Rumi screamed at the top of her lungs.

Her face felt hot, her eyes were welling up and all she wanted to do was to scream; scream till she could no more; she wanted to die screaming. She wanted to throw things, break things, dissolve and never wake up again.

How could someone be so insensitive? Only two hours ago her manager told her she was let go due to a merger and her boyfriend of almost a year wanted to break up now? Could he not have waited a few days? At least as a decent human being? Just a few hours after she had received a blow on her career, he thought it was a good time to blow her personal life as well?

She was 29. She would be 30 in 9 months. She was going to be an alone, jobless, and loveless 30-year-old.

She thought she was strong but this was too much even for her. This was not the first time she had broken up but this was the first time she was fired. Her work was her pride. She had built her career as a Sr. Associate at a law firm from nothing. She could have been a partner by 35. She had built this herself, no fancy ivy league degrees, no network to give a referral. This was her. All her. She had put everything aside to build her career. Her career achievements were how she identified herself. She thought of herself as an ambitious, go-getter. How could she have been let off? She was not as angry about her boyfriend breaking up as much as about the timing of it. It made her feel like the last year of the relationship meant nothing to him. He knew how much her career meant to her and he still CHOSE to break up 30 mins after she had told him about getting fired. Was he dreading her so much that he could not wait even a few more days like a decent human being to break up?

She closed her door. She needed to be alone.

She took a deep breath. Closed her eyes.

“Just breathe… breathe in…breathe out…breathe in… breathe out…breathe in…breathe out”

“Just breathe…”

She sat down.

“Just breathe…”

She could not stop crying. She could not be strong anymore.

“Just breathe…”

“I had built my career against all odds. Who would hire me now?”

“Just breathe…”

“Sure, I could apply to various places, but it would take months before I could find something good"

“Just breathe…”

“I may have to take a lower level as I don’t have a fancy degree. But if I work hard, I could build my career again”

“Just breathe…”

“If I could do it once, I can do it again”

“Just breathe…”

“I have been, am, and always will be a fighter”

“Just breathe…”

“30 is just a number”

“Just breathe…”

“Being single at 30 is fine”

“Just breathe…”

“Good that I got to know how insensitive he can be.”

“Just breathe…”

“Something like this can take years to know and by then you are too invested in the relationship”

“Just breathe…”

“Anyway, something always felt amiss with him“

“Just breathe…”

Someone knocked on her door.

“Rumi, are you alright?”, her mom asked through the door.

Her parents. They were proud of her. She was a good child. Her younger brother was the troublemaker. She had made sure they never had to worry for her. She studied well, was well mannered, shared responsibilities at home.

She was supposed to be doing well and be married by 30. How would they face relatives in a family gathering? I have let them down. Her lungs were filled with fluid once more. Her eyes welled up again.

“Open the door Rumi, I am worried for you.”, her mom was still at the door.

“Rumi”, her dad called as well.

Her dad was the pillar of her life. She was strong like him, ambitious like him, hardworking like him. He had built his life just as she was building hers. By the time her dad was 30 he was already running a successful business. What would he think of her? First, she could not get into ivy league school and now she could not even sustain the job she had managed to grow at? She would never be as successful as her father. He would lose all respect for her.

“Rumi beta…let us come in.”, came her father’s voice. He called her ‘beta’ – meaning ‘son’ in Hindi. He called her ‘beta’ when he was proud of her. He never treated her differently because she was a girl. She was encouraged to dream big and find her way to achieve it. She had grown up being competitive and opinionated. Her father was proud of her and never made her feel that she needed to get married to validate her life. In India being an unmarried girl at 25 was a big deal and she was nearing 30. Her father had never pestered her to get married, instead, he was proud of the woman she was becoming.

Her father was proud of her.

She closed her eyes.

“Just breathe…”

“My father knows how strong I am”

“Just breathe…”

“My parents know I can rebuild my life”

“Just breathe…”

“They would never want me to get married to someone who doesn’t respect me anyway”

“Just breathe…”

“They would understand me, they would not judge me”

“Just breathe…”

"I will be fine, I will get out of this"

“Rumi beta, whatever it is, we will get through this.”, her father said through the door. “Beta, we love you. Just let us in.”, her mother joined in.

She opened her eyes, wiped her tears, took a deep breath, and got up to open the door. She glanced at herself in the mirror and stopped.

She looked at herself in the eye and said, “You will get over this. Just breathe.”