Missing Mary

“I can’t believe you’re moving to Denver, Aunt Mary”. Jasmine felt such a strong connection to her aunt and relied on her guidance when it came to raising her three children.  But Mary was a widow now, and she was ready to start a new phase of life.

“Not seeing you and watching your beautiful children grow up is one of the things I’m going to miss the most, but I have to do this. One day I hope you’ll understand.”

“We’ll talk on the phone all the time, right?” Jasmine asked. “And I’ll share pictures of everything the kids are doing.”

“I’ll treasure every single one,” Mary said. But she didn’t promise anything beyond that. Jasmine had the feeling their special relationship was about to change forever. She just didn’t know why.

***

Jasmine started the engine and set the GPS. Her handbag and backpack sat on the seat beside her. The trunk held her large suitcase, plus a small one with everything she’d need for her three nights on the road. It would be a 30-hour drive to Denver, but she would break up the trip into four long days.

She looked up at her home, still shadowy in the pre-dawn sky. Her husband Brian was inside, getting ready for another day of work. It was just the two of them in the house now, but he would be fine on his own for a bit. Maybe it would even be good if he missed her, especially after his attitude about her taking this trip. She took a deep breath before backing out of the driveway and beginning the first leg of her journey.

Jasmine had two audiobooks downloaded, but as she turned onto the highway, she enjoyed the quiet, watching the sun rise and thinking about what the next two weeks would look like. Going to her late Aunt Mary’s home was the reason for this trip, but it was also an excuse to take time away from her home and her life. She had been lost since she dropped her youngest off at college two weeks ago. She wasn’t sure what to do with this new stage of life. She craved Aunt Mary’s wisdom now more than ever. 

She could have asked her aunt’s best friend Joan to ship the box of items Mary had left for her. She and Brian had argued over that but the more he wanted her to stay home, to not take this journey, the more she needed to go. She only worked part time at the art gallery. Why shouldn’t she take some time for herself after all these years of taking care of everyone else? 

It had been 10 years since Aunt Mary sold her home, packed up and moved away. She shared a house with Joan, an old college friend who was also widowed. She seemed to be happy in Denver -- until her diagnosis. She passed away a month later, before her family was able to come and support her. Jasmine could hardly believe she was gone. She would miss Mary’s big hugs, her loud laugh, and the way she always seemed to know the right thing to say or do. 

She turned on her first audiobook about 30 minutes into the ride and forced herself to listen. After stops for lunch and an early dinner she navigated to her first hotel in a quiet area of Pennsylvania. It was only 6:00 when she arrived, and with a long evening in the small room ahead of her, she felt intensely lonely. She texted her husband instead of calling. She couldn’t let him hear that she felt so alone after only one night. She certainly wasn’t going to let her kids know. They had all supported her in taking this trip. 

She showered, changed and turned on the TV,  falling asleep by ten so she could get up early. The next hotel was a larger one just outside of Chicago. Maybe she would eat dinner there, even order a drink. What was the point of sitting in dreary hotel rooms by herself every night? Aunt Mary would want her  to make the most of this trip. She would raise a glass to her aunt tomorrow night and celebrate her life.

***

Jasmine tossed and turned in the lumpy bed and was on the road just before dawn. She stopped to get a quick breakfast to go, and then turned on her book for another long day of driving.

It was exciting to arrive in Chicago after endless hours of passing through mostly quiet towns. She decided to open her big suitcase and pull out something nice to wear to the hotel restaurant. She had only one dress and a pair of navy flats. Why not? It took confidence to eat alone, and maybe this dress was just the boost she needed.

It was still early, so Jasmine rested up for a bit before putting on her dress and heading to the dining room at 6:00 PM. “Table for one,” she told the woman at the front desk. She smiled, wanting to appear like it was no big deal to eat out alone on a Wednesday night. 

“Would you like to eat at the bar. You can get the full menu.”

 “Sure, that sounds fine,” She tried to appear nonchalant as she took a seat at the long mahogany bar and ordered a Caesar salad with shrimp and a glass of prosecco. She felt pleased with my choice, especially after two days of fast food. As she nibbled on bar pretzels and took the first sips of her drink, a man appeared next to her.

“Is this seat taken?” he asked. She shook her head numbly and watched as he sat down just inches from her in the almost empty bar. 

“Is that champagne?” he asked, as if they were friends going out for an evening.

“Yes, I mean no, it’s prosecco.” 

“Ah, yes, the Italian’s answer to champagne. “One prosecco,” he said to the bartender before turning back to her. “Hi, I’m Lenny. I’ve been in meetings all day and really looking forward to this.”

“I’m Jasmine.” She wondered if “this” meant having a drink or picking up a woman at a bar?  She wore her diamond studded wedding band, and he wore a thin gold band as well. There was no reason to make assumptions, even though he was incredibly handsome in a way that made her tongue tied. Sorry Brian.

“Are you here with the real estate convention as well?” he asked. 

“Me, no, I’m just passing through Chicago on my drive from Boston to Denver.”

He turned, clasping his hands and looking right into her eyes. “Sounds like an adventure. I’m all ears.”

It was several hours later that Jasmine left the bar. She and Lenny had talked through dinner, dessert and more drinks than she intended to have with so much driving ahead of her. There had been some innocent flirting as they talked about work and life, marriage and children and friendships. In the end, they paid their own checks, wished each other well and went back to their separate rooms. Absolutely nothing had happened, but Jasmine felt energized by the conversation and the connection she made with this handsome stranger. It was exciting talking to someone new. As she fell into bed, she promised herself she would eat dinner at her hotel again tomorrow evening, before she finally reached Denver. 

***

Jasmine hit the snooze three times the next morning.  She finally got up and  left the hotel for her day of driving, feeling alert despite her exhaustion. She was heading to Omaha, Nebraska, which would leave her just six hours from Denver. She wondered if she would find another nice man to talk to in her hotel this evening. She wasn’t looking to cheat, she loved Brian, but it felt good to have someone new focused on her, interested in what she had to say. 

She arrived at 5:30 and changed into jeans before heading down to the much more informal hotel restaurant.  This time, she went straight to the bar, ordering a hamburger and a glass of the house red wine. “This seat taken,” said a voice, but it wasn’t a man. She looked up to see a woman about her age. 

“No, it’s all yours,” she said. She spent the next two hours talking to Margie from Lincoln NE, who was staying in the hotel while she visited family in Omaha. She had just come from dinner but was happy to have a few cocktails while Jasmine downed a burger and fries and two glasses of wine.  

She opened up to Margie about her aunt in a way she had been unable to with her family and friends. “I feel like everyone was judging why I had to drive across the country to see where she lived and meet Joan, but Mary was one of the most important people in my life, and I needed to feel that connection. Also, taking this trip feels like the first thing I’ve done independently in over 20 years.”

“I totally get it,” Margie said. “You’re an empty nester mom, and you need to redefine yourself. Sometimes that takes getting in the car and just driving away by yourself for a few weeks. Plus, you need to see how your Aunt Mary has been living for all these years.”

“Exactly,” Jasmine said, feeling tears pool in her eyes because Margie understood her. Maybe it was because she didn’t have this pre-conceived picture of Jasmine the mom, the employee or the animal shelter volunteer. It was freeing just to be Jasmine from the bar in Omaha. 

They talked for a while about Margie’s family too, and Jasmine tried to be as supportive and insightful as her new friend had been. At the end of the night they exchanged numbers, hugged and went to their respective rooms. Jasmine felt like a new person, and she slept well that night, ready to make the final leg of her trip to Denver. Ready to meet Joan.

***

The mountains that started appearing first sporadically and then all around her as she drove into Denver were mystifying and beautiful. She followed her GPS off the highway until she reached the small home where Aunt Mary and Joan lived. Now Joan’s house, she supposed. She put on lip gloss and fixed her hair before she walked up the brick walkway and rang the bell. An older woman opened the door, her warm smile transforming her otherwise tired face.

“You must be Jasmine. I’m Joan. It’s so wonderful to finally meet you. Please come in.” Jasmine stepped into the small entry hall. “Thank you for making the long trip to be here. You must be starved. I’m making my Colorado style green chili. I have a bottle of chardonnay and three desserts. I’m a baker at heart.”

All Jasmine could do was marvel at Joan. “Yes, thank you, that sounds wonderful.”

Joan helped Jasmine carry her bags up to the small upstairs guest bedroom.  A short while later, delicious smells permeated the room and Jasmine came down into the kitchen. “Your chili smells divine.”

“Thank you. It’s all ready, and the wine is chilled.”

The two women sat down at the small wooden kitchen table that was set with cloth napkins and decorated with fresh flowers. Joan had gone to a lot of trouble to make Jasmine feel welcome.

As they clinked glasses and started their meal, they discussed Jasmine’s drive and the house, but then Joan started talking as if she’d been waiting forever to get the words out.

“Mary and I weren’t just friends, we were – well – more than that,” she said. “We waited a long time to be together, through all the years we were married and raising kids. Then suddenly, we found ourselves… free. And it didn’t take long to admit what we had both known for a long time.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Anyway, Mary was afraid to tell your family that, but she wanted me to tell you.”

Jasmine was shocked, but she also realized something. Mary didn’t distance herself from family because she didn’t love us, she did it because she didn’t trust us to accept her, and that was tragic.

“She came home every spring to visit Jeff’s grave and spend a few days with us, but she was always more guarded after she left Boston. Now it makes sense. I wish she could have known we would never have judged her.”

Mary took a sip of her wine. “You’re right, of course, and I told her that countless times, but she was so afraid.  I think she also needed a clean break after a long and not very satisfying marriage. But I know she eventually would have shared her truth with the family. She loved you all so much. It’s just that she fell ill and deteriorated so quickly.”

A lump made it way up Jasmine’s throat. She had no idea Mary hadn’t been happy with Uncle Jeff. She always seemed so joyous and confident.  

“We loved her too.” Jasmine hesitated before asking, “Do you know what’s in the box – the one she left me?”

“Yes, I do,” Joan said, and a smile returned to her lips. “I can show you after dinner.”

The two women ate and drank and talked for a long time. Finally unable to eat another bite, they moved into the cozy living room, wine glasses in hand, and there Jasmine saw the large box. 

“After Mary moved in with me, she started writing. She spent hours documenting the stories of her life, her marriage and her family. She wrote about her hopes for the people she loved, and especially you.

“Me?” Jasmine didn’t understand.

“She adored you – that never changed over the years. She saw you as much like her, living for your family and your job, and she was hopeful that you would one day focus more on yourself. Mary always said she didn’t really find true contentment until she came here and we moved into together.  It’s amazing how life can give us second chances at love, at careers, at finding what we need.”

Jasmine let those words sink in. “I only wish she were still here to help me sort out this next stage of my life.”

Joan put the large box on the coffee table and opened it. “In some ways, she is. They are some jewelry pieces and family photos in here she thought you’d like, but the main thing she wanted you to have is all of her journals and stories. Hopefully they will provide some inspiration.” Joan bit her lip, holding back tears. “We thought she had all the time in the world. She was only 74. At least we still have this part of her. Here whole life is contained in these pages.”

Jasmine felt awed as she looked through the stacks of notebooks, each one filled with Mary’s neat handwriting.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Just say you’ll read them, and you’ll  use them to help you find your happiness in this next stage of your life. Whatever that looks like.”

“I just sent my last baby off to college. I have no idea what comes next. But the odd thing is, I had the most amazing experience driving out here. I connected with two strangers I met on the road, and now I’ve had the privilege of meeting you. I already feel close to you and so grateful to you for making Mary happy. I was scared to make this journey for so many reasons, but it’s exhilarating to experience life beyond your own small world.”

“Maybe this whole trip was meant to be.” Joan smiled through her tears. “Mary would be so proud of you.”  

Jasmine noticed a series of photos on the wall of the two women. They looked so happy together, it made her heart break. 

“Mary never wanted a funeral,” Joan continued.  “But if you can help me plan a small memorial service for her while you’re here, that would mean so much to both of us.”

“I’d be happy to help with the memorial service. Whatever you need.” Jasmine scanned through the notebooks.  “ Mary was the person I relied on most. I was devastated when she left Boston, but I can see why she wanted to come to this beautiful place.”

You’re welcome here anytime, alone or with your family. I’d love that. I see so much of her in you.”

“Thank you.” Jasmine turned toward this wonderful new person in her life. The two women hugged, each feeling the strength from the other and from Mary, who was gone but forever a part of both of them.