Night Rails

Like a locomotive, his breath exhaled against the cold night sky. Smoke trailed behind as he made his way down the tracks, rhythmic, purposeful. The full moon cast its soft white glow on the earth below, and he preferred it that way, for two reasons. One, the natural light was soothing, calming, connecting him more deeply with his natural surroundings as he walked. A flashlight just felt in his bones like he didn't belong, he was a guest of his surroundings, and he wanted to belong when he ventured out this way. 

Two, he only made this trek every full moon, and the ritual of it brought him comfort. He had been making these walks for almost four years now, ever since he was a freshman in high school. It was now February of his senior year, and he was especially thankful for this full moon. He needed to talk to her, big life changes were on the horizon, and this was the only way. 

Angst blended with excitement in his gut as his legs pumped up and down the track. His first time, that freshman year, he walked down the tracks to meet his neighbor, Cora. Her family had purchased the adjoining parcel of land next to his family's land when he and Cora were around 7 years old. There was about 100 acres of woods between them. The train tracks served as the property line; the only visible path cut through the thick undergrowth for miles. 

That first day, as a 7-year-old, when she walked into the classroom he still remembered, his heart must have stopped and started a million times. Every move she made just left him short of breath. As in love as a 7-year-old can be, he was. Unrequited though it was for the next 7 years, they began messaging each other more frequently the Fall of that freshman year. Somewhat out of the blue, she told him one night, "You know we’re neighbors right?" It blew his mind, all this time, he had no idea. He had explored the woods many, many times as most young boys would do, but he had always obeyed his dad's instructions not to go past the train tracks. Little did he know what was waiting on the other side. 

That first night, she dropped a pin on Google Maps and said, "30 mins?" The pin was right on the train tracks, he was sitting on the floor in his room playing Xbox when his phone had chimed with the question. Even though he was in the middle of a game with several of his friends, he simply set the controller down, took off his headset and stared at the phone. Excitement blended with angst into a toxic cocktail that brought him to a high he had not experienced yet in his young life. She was asking him to meet, alone, at night. Wow. 

He texted back "Sure - sounds good, see you there" and was at his bedroom door listening for the tell-tale sounds of the living room tv. Sure enough, it was blaring still, meaning his mother had fallen asleep on the couch and would probably be making her way up to bed in a couple hours. He had time. Next, he threw on a pair of jeans and examined his closet of hoodies. Never in his life had he hated each and every one of them but tonight nothing seemed to fit. Time was running short, so he opted for his favorite, a soft red "Madtown" hoodie that his brother had given him from the University of Wisconsin at Madison bookstore. It would have to do for now. 

He grabbed his phone, put on his boots and slipped his hoodie hood over the back of his head, but not fully. The third and sixth stairs down creaked in the center so he walked on the side the entire way down, glancing at the living room once he landed in the foyer. Sure enough, his mom was passed out with the TV chattering away in the background. Softly, he opened the door, noted the time on his watch, and he was off. 

His feet probably didn't touch the ground the entire time that first night he walked to where she had dropped the pin. Just like this night, the moon was indeed full. The usual sounds of the wildlife serenaded him as he made his way there. Finally, when he was mere moments from the train tracks, he paused, trying to see if she was there. Deep down he feared it was some sort of prank, but no, there she was, alone, exactly where she said she would be. She was wearing a hoodie and jeans as well, casual per her usual vibe, but her beauty took his breath away as ever. 

He took a deep breath himself, gathered his thoughts, and walked out into the clearing. She heard a twig snap underneath his feet and turned to face him. A smile curled up around her lips and she brushed her hair back behind her ear. In his head he was screaming to "be cool" but his face betrayed the look of a man who had either just won the lottery or been asked to hang out by the woman of his dreams from the past 7 years. 

Her greeting was simple, "Hey..." The initial conversation was start and stop, halting in its cadence but as the two hours came to a close, they were laughing and leaning in, she touched his arm, he the small of her back. Something was happening and it felt wonderful. He mentioned that his mom would be waking up any minute and she may check his room so he should probably head back, she, somewhat shyly, asked him if he would stay a little longer. There was no hesitation. 

The end of the night that first night was filled with tension. She broke the ice and pecked him on the cheek, "Cya - be good" and she was off. His heart sank, he had failed. But something came over him, something he had never felt before, he noticed something shiny reflecting on the gravel between the trestles. Picking it up he yelled out, "Cora!" She stopped and turned around, grinning. He didn't even realize what he had picked up until he saw it was a flattened Coke can. 

"Did you drop this?" was the only line he could think of, his goofy grin betrayed any notion of suavity, but she enthusiastically nodded yes. Summoning his every ounce of courage he closed his eyes and leaned in...the next ten minutes of his life were the best ten up to that point and it wasn't close. They parted physically but from that point forward, they were always together. 

Until July 4 of the summer between Junior and Senior year. Cora passed away on the lake, she drowned. Her family had gone up to their cabin and he was supposed to come up the next day. They told him she hit a tree stump underneath the water, but his life was over. The weight of certain losses goes beyond a burden in the typical sense. It doesn't feel like you're carrying a boulder, you mesh with the boulder, you are the grief. It consumes you, every fiber. They had both been admitted to the University of Wisconsin, they had planned the next four years together and the eternity after that, mere mortals though they were. 

Now, on this cold February night, he was walking the same path, to the same spot, to talk to her. He had a talent with coding, and he had acquired various certificates throughout high school. On a whim he had applied for a job in Los Angeles, they did several Zoom interviews, and offered him the gig as soon as he graduated high school. His heart ached because something about keeping the plan to go to Wisconsin made it feel like she was still with him in some way. To deviate from the plan felt like he was leaving her, something he would never do. 

But he always felt close to her in that place on the tracks. He had gone every full moon as that was her favorite time. It was peaceful and tranquil beyond what you think possible unless you've spent time in the deep woods. Something about that spot made him feel the most connected and he needed to talk to her. 

As he sat down, he stared at the makeshift memorial he had made, flowers, cards, letters, pictures, all in a sealed glass box. He stared at her face; tears welled up in the corner of each eye. Unseen grief cannot be hidden forever, and this place was ground zero for that raw, exposed, wound to bleed. 

One thing he had always wondered, but never asked and now never would be able to, was what changed that freshman year, why had she messaged him to meet that night? He turned it over in his mind, but it was useless of course, all he knew was he was thankful, so thankful. "Cora, I need to talk to you about something," he began, wiping tears from his eyes. "I think I want to take a job in LA, maybe not go to U like we planned. But I wanted to talk to you about it here, I know this is weird, but I just felt like I needed to tell you at least." 

He was talking out loud when he noticed the woods were quieter than usual, dead quiet, which almost never happened. He looked over his shoulder as the feeling was somewhat ominous. Nature will tell you when something's about to happen. Nothing behind him that he could tell. He then turned around and almost jumped out of his skin right then and there, he yelped in his startled state even. A full-grown wolf stood before him, inches from his face. 

It's hard to explain but once he got over the initial shock, there was something calming in the creature's presence. He sat on his haunches about six inches from his face, just staring at him. While he knew they were local to the area, traversing the thick pine woods, he had never seen any sign of one, much less the actual article which was standing before him tonight. A majestic alpha, he reached out his hand timidly. He really didn't know why, it was crazy and he knew it, but wolves were Cora's favorite animal, and this could not be a coincidence. "Heyyy baby, how are you, goooood girl, gooood girl" he cooed as his hand got closer and closer. The wolf put her head down as his hand descended and he began to pet her. She wanted the physical affection! 

Soon he gave her a big hug, the best he could do given how large the animal was and the rigidity of his jacket. The wolf just sat there. happy to be held. He pulled back after a time, and stared, "I don't know who you are," he whispered, "but if you're Cora can you please talk to me? I'm desperate." He leaned his forehead against her wet snout and just sat there. "Should I go? I don't know what to do baby, I'm so lost. So fucking lost." The wolf was motionless, serene, calm. "I don't know why I expect a wolf to talk to me, I can't believe I'm hugging a wolf. This is insane, you would have loved this baby, seriously." He hugged the wolf as deeply as he could, it was so comforting, he couldn't explain it. 

Then, he felt something, underneath him, on the tracks. A subtle vibration. He looked at the wolf and her ears were perked up, at attention. She darted her eyes to the south where they saw the first glimpse of a light on the trees in the bend. The sound soon followed. A train was barreling down the tracks. He had never seen a train in all his days exploring these woods and these tracks. Before he could even comprehend what was going on the train was through the bend and headed straight for him. He had maybe 30 seconds to get off the tracks but first, he tried with all his might to shove the wolf out of harm's way. She wouldn't budge, right there on the tracks she just stared at the train. The horn was deafening, the thunder of the engine overwhelming, with only seconds to spare he dove off the tracks, rolling away to safety before looking back, desperate to see the wolf run away as well. She did not. 

He let out a primal scream, something from deep within. Not again, he had lost her again. It was unbearable. The train finished and all was quiet again except his heaving sobs. Finally, after some time, he gathered himself and walked back over to the tracks, cringing at the thought of what he might see. To his surprise, though he looked everywhere, there was no sign of loss. No blood, no fur, nothing. She had been standing on the tracks right there as the train came through, he was sure of it. It was the last thing he saw. But there was no sign of death on the tracks themselves or in the area right around there. 

However, the glint of something reflecting in the full moon light caught his eye as he walked back up to the spot where they were on the tracks just moments ago. He had missed it before somehow. A flattened Coke can, laying in that very spot. 

He was thankful, so very thankful.