Grandma

“He’s in denial.”

“I know, but what am I supposed to do about it now? I’m already late.”

Lucas couldn’t take listening to his parents fighting anymore, especially when it involved constantly worrying about him. There were more pressing matters at hand. He munched quietly on his morning cereal and tried to shut it all out. His dad swiftly shuffled past them, wishing them all a good day in spite of the heated argument earlier, but Lucas could only mutter a grunt in response.

He glanced over at his grandma, who was sitting in the chair next to him. She was wearing her plaid robe over her powder blue pajamas and her hands were resting on the empty table setting. She looked especially glassy eyed this morning with a blank expression on her face. He wondered what she was thinking now, what was going on in her head after all of this started. He could tell she was getting older and slowly fading, but the diagnosis just made everything more complicated. What was going to happen to their evening walks to the park? Would she ever make her famous meatballs again? 

His parents calmly explained to him that things were going to be different now, but he couldn’t seem to wrap his head around it. As the morning sun was coming in through the window, he saw the glimmer of daylight reflected in her eyes and swore he noticed her lips curl into a slight smile, directed right at him. He just knew that deep inside, his grandmother was still there.

The past few months had been hard on his family but Lucas was insistent that things could remain the same. But after another bombshell, things were just getting worse. Today was supposed to be the day that she finally moved out. It wasn’t fair that she was going to move out of their home and into a senior living facility. Besides the fact that it reeked of mothballs and pungent perfume, it was also all the way on the other side of town. With his parents’ busy schedule, he knew it was unlikely he would get to see his grandma very often. 

Lucas picked up his half eaten cereal bowl and placed it in the sink. He hurried past the pile of moving boxes in the corner, grabbed his school bag and shoes from the closet and his denim jacket.

“Have a great day at school, sweetie” his mom yelled after him, but he could barely hear her as he slammed the door hard behind him.

-

All day, Lucas felt himself drifting off. He was stuck in his mind, entangling every bad decision or missed opportunity he had with his grandma. Why didn’t he take her offer to spend time at the beach last summer when he insisted on going to camp with his friends? Why didn’t he watch one more episode of Jeopardy with her instead of rushing upstairs to finish his homework? 

At lunch, his friends seem to be having fun without him, trading potato chips for Doritos and picking teams for soccer, as if the world would just keep moving despite his world coming to a crashing end. He wanted to chime in to their conversations, but couldn’t muster the energy. By the afternoon, he was still distracted in every class, and would have missed the ending bell entirely if it weren’t for his teacher tapping him gently on the shoulder and reminding him he had a bus to catch.

Lucas came home to a quiet house. It wasn’t a peaceful silence, but a jarring stillness he wasn’t used to. He saw his mother in the dining room and remembered that she had taken another day off today. Around her were big cardboard boxes and piles of things. His grandma’s things. There were so many clothes: piles of robes and pajamas, her well-worn winter sweaters and a garment bag hung over the chair with her nice dresses. He also spotted her knitting bag full of unfinished projects. It was falling over and a ball of purple yarn was trying to make its escape.

“Hi, Mom.” 

She looked up almost surprised to see Lucas there and forced a smile on her face. “Hi sweetie, how was your day?”

“Fine.” He mumbled. “What’s for dinner?”

His mom chuckled at his priorities. “You know we have a casserole planned for tonight. But have a snack now if you’re hungry.”

He groaned and huffed up the stairs eager to start on his homework. He opened his laptop with the best intentions of at least completing his math homework. But despite his best efforts, he couldn't seem to understand any of the problems on the page. He decided to lay down on his bed and rest before dinner instead. He was surprised to find that he drifted off instantly and was awakened an hour later by a knock at his door. His mother gently poked her head in and asked to come in. He nodded in agreement.

“I am sorry I haven’t been making a lot of time for you, it’s just with everything with your grandma…” she started..

“I know,” he interrupted. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay.” She paused. ”How about I make it up to you? Would you like to help me make dinner? We can even bring it over to eat with Grandma?” she offered.

Lucas lit up. After all the unhappy nights, all the fighting and ordering in, or worse, another mystery casserole from one of their doting neighbors, there was finally an opportunity to make amends. 

“Can Dad join too?” he asked hopefully.

“I will call him and see if he can leave a little earlier today” she responded.

With new found energy, Lucas rushed through his homework. After finishing the last problem, Lucas ran down the stairs, washed his hands and threw on an apron.

“What are we making?

“Meatballs of course.”

His mom gathered the ingredients from the pantry while he got the meat, eggs and milk from the fridge. He could already smell the sauce simmering on the stove. It smelled just as he remembered, full of garlic and basil, and her secret ingredient, green bell peppers. 

After weeks of hostility and walking on eggshells around his mother, he could finally feel the tensions easing. It was cathartic to him to form the cold meatballs between his hands and listen to his mother talk to him.

She told him about the time her mother taught her how to make meatballs. She dumped a whole container of bread crumbs on the floor, but Grandma was so patient and kind. She talked about her childhood, growing up in a big family, but her mother always made time for her, space for her to be special in her own way.

Lucas thought back to the times he made meatballs with his grandma and he made his own mess with his first attempt to crack an egg. He remembered when she would sneak him treats, like late night ice-cream or a cookie before dinner, just their little secret. He even enjoyed the rainy days inside where he attempted to learn to knit but just ended up with a long string of knots. As his mother turned to open the oven and check on their meal, he secretly wiped the tears welling up in his eyes.

- 

Right as Lucas and his mom were getting out of the car, his father’s car pulled up behind him. He got out of his car and greeted them, still in his work pants and shirt. He grabbed the bag of supplies from his wife while she grabbed the picnic blanket and the tupperware full of meatballs.  Lucas ran ahead of them and up the stone path was his grandma, sitting on the bench waiting for them. She was still in her plaid robe and her powder blue pajamas, but she looked happier. In that moment, he knew things would be different, but eventually everything was going to be okay. She reached out her hand and he took it. It felt light and tingly, not how he remembered but he followed her up the path and through the grass. He approached a familiar spot, a place where he had visited his grandfather all these years, but next to his name was a fresh headstone that read:

Lois Marie Gladstone

December 10, 1942 - April 8, 2023

“Beloved Wife, Mother, and Grandmother”

Lucas instantly teared up again, thinking again of how fresh all this was. He remembered all the doctors and the tests, the trips to the day center until the decision was made to bring in the home care aide, who smelled like oranges and yelled at Lucas for leaving his things around. Then there were the times where his grandma couldn’t remember Lucas or his Mom or Dad, or the home where she lived with them for over ten years. There was fighting over what to do and where she would live, and finally deciding on a home that she would never end up going to. He recalls waking up a few weeks ago to the news that Grandma passed peacefully in her sleep.

He looked up at his grandmother, who was standing right next to him. She was real and just how he remembered her, but at the same time, she wasn’t there at all. Not really. 

He was filled with mixed emotions. He was not sure what he believed happened to us when our bodies left us, but he could only hope his grandma wasn’t in pain and was lucid again. He hoped she was filled with all the memories of her long, happy life. He was sad though, with the thought that she wouldn’t be living in their home anymore, and not even in the facility, but gone. Suddenly her whole life was just condensed to boxes. Some they would keep, but many would be donated or thrown away.

He suddenly felt hungry. Hungry for his parents comforting words as they laid out the picnic blanket, eager for his mother’s embrace, but most importantly, craving for his grandma’s meatballs. The four of them sat in silence, taking in the scenery. The birds were chirping and leaves rustled gently in the wind. They took their time eating their meatballs on fresh rolls. They laughed and hugged and cried, but after a while, decided it was time to go.

As they packed up to leave, he noticed his grandma standing next to her grave. He still wasn’t used to this being her home now, but he was making peace with the fact that this is where he would have to visit her from now on. She smiled back at her loving family and sent them off with a soft wave.

“Bye, Grandma, we’ll visit again soon.” Lucas told her. “Thanks for the meatballs.”

And suddenly it was just the three of them, heading back home to embrace their new normal.