Lost in the Woods

CW: Contains themes of mental health, trauma, suicidal ideation

Chloe had never had a good sense of direction. Figuratively and literally. She felt if life was pulling her in all directions, where all trails were vague with only the promise of leading nowhere. She had no career, no plans, no money, no partner, and no confidence. Her friends all seemed to know what they wanted in life and were achieving it. They seemed happy and carefree. Chloe resented their advantage. She had hoped that sitting in the wilderness, with no pressure weighing on her shoulders—even if only for a few days — would help clear her mind and give her some sense of direction in life. After all, that was why she was on this weekend camping trip with her friends. It was an attempt to show others, and prove to herself, that maybe she could still pick a direction in life—albeit a desperate one.

Now, she realised how much of a fool she was. She hasn’t even been in the wilderness for 24 hours and has already found herself lost. Clutching the wooden sticks to her chest, she spun in a circle looking for the path back to her friends. She couldn’t recall when she last heard her friends’ laughter drifting from behind the trees. She looked up at the sky, trying to recall which way she exited the campsite. Heck, who is she kidding anyway? Even if she could recall, she didn’t know how to tell which way was north. She never found a need to learn those specific survival skills. When did she leave the path? How did she not notice the path change from sand to blades of grass that showed no signs of a trail?

She could feel her heart rate spike as panic was setting in.

Granite boulders littered rolling hills and valleys, stretching as far as she could see. In different circumstances, she would appreciate the sight before her. But at this moment, everything looked the same. Chloe didn’t think she walked far to bundle up firewood, but seeing the landscape stretch in every direction, she realised how wrong she was. She was on the Granite Belt, with only ironbark and eucalyptus trees as her witnesses.

Just think Chloe. You can do this.

It was only a quick walk, so she couldn’t have made it that far. Turning in a circle again, she caught a flickering of orange behind some treelines.

There!

As Chloe made her way back to camp, she was deliberate with each step so she didn’t trip over the rocks jutting out of the ground. Ignoring the voice in her head that was telling her they weren’t there before, she continued on. Chloe could see the fire, she has to be going in the right direction.

But now the ground tilted upwards.

She doesn’t remember going downhill, but every damned corner of these woods looked the same. So instead of getting frustrated, she focused on the flicker of orange she saw earlier. She just had to make it to the campfire, and they could all laugh about it later. Chloe could almost feel the glow of fire on her face already. It was what she loved most about camping. The world was silent except for the rustling of the trees’ leaves and the crackling of the fire to keep her thoughts company and her body warm.

Just imagining the atmosphere of the campfire had her quickening her steps. Stepping over the log in quickened haste had her feet slipping in the loose rocks. Regaining her balance, she ignored her ankle’s twinge, focusing on the orange flicker near the trees again. Relief surged through her as she got closer, though she couldn’t hear her friends’ voices. Going up the hill left her breathless, unable to catch her breath as she broke through. Her campsite remained unseen by her. Instead, she saw an orange triangle-like tag wrapped around a tree as if it were some kind of marker.

“No, no, no, no, NO!”

She didn’t see a fire at all. Her mind was playing tricks on her this whole time. This time she allowed the panic to nibble at her resolve because she was going in circles like she did in life.

Is this some sort of sick joke?

Chloe couldn’t help but think the world was out to get her. She spun around, trying to orient herself, but she knew it would be hopeless. She walked so far away from the campsite that she did not know which way to go.

Her chest tightened. A panic attack threatening to come to the surface. For a moment, she lowered herself onto the bed of leaves that littered the ground, hugged her knees to her chest, and tried to get her breathing under control.

The darkening sky told Chloe she had stayed there longer than she intended. Forcing herself up, she was now forced to feel the pain in her ankle. After moving her foot in a clockwise then counter-clockwise circle, Chloe thought nothing was broken. Only sprained. She could work with that.

Deciding to move downhill, she still held onto her firewood. She would need it after all. Who knows how long she will be at the mercy of the woods until someone finds her?

A snap of a twig had her smiling at the thought of being found, but she couldn’t see anyone. Continuing on, she kept a slow and steady pace so as not to further injure her foot. Life was so unpredictable that she needed to learn to adapt to the change in circumstances. She was working on this at home. She could do it here. It was a tourist site after all. People camped here all year round. She would find someone soon. Again, ignoring her innermost thoughts about her increased risk of being murdered. Maybe she really has watched too many true crime documentaries. Her ex-boyfriend told her it was a red flag for someone to enjoy those types of documentaries. She wouldn’t say she enjoyed them. She was just a very curious person. Her closing argument on the topic was that if she ever ended up in a situation like those people in the documentaries, she would know how to get out of it.

There was a groan from the bushes.

The timing was as if her inner thoughts conjured the exact scenario she feared most. She steadied herself and poked a stick forward as if it were a weapon that would create space between her and the person.

“Hello?” Her voice shook as she called out.

Then she heard it: rustling followed by a snort.

This was not something she was prepared for because it wasn’t a person who threatened her safety. It was a wild pig—no, a boar—that burst out from the bush. It was too dark of colour and angry to be a pig. Right?

Its tusks glinted in the dim light as it headed right for her.

Her heart stopped, and after a moment, she sprung into action, scrambling sideways. Her freezing cost her, because she moved too late, causing the boar’s tusk to get her in the thigh, forcing a scream from her throat. It was circling her. Watching her. A deer in headlights is what she would look like now. She was unsure of her next move. Looking at her injuries wasn’t something she had time for. Before the boar went for her again, she ran downhill with one purpose in mind.

Create distance between her and this vicious animal.

She could hear the snort behind her and the thundering against the ground as its hooves made quick work towards her.

There!

She ran towards a flat boulder with a single tree close to the edge. There was no time to think of the danger ahead of her. She could only focus on what was behind her. She ran and jumped as high as she could towards the tree trunk. It seemed the sport, high-jump, in school did her some good. She cleared enough height that she could grab onto a branch and lift herself to safety.

Her breath came in quick gasps as she felt the circumstances pressing in on her. The boar at the bottom of the tree had trapped her. Did it want to eat her?

Don’t be ridiculous, Chloe. They don’t eat people.

Pigs eat humans for others to get rid of evidence so why can’t boars eat humans when food is scarce? She wasn’t sure about that, but she deduced it down to it feeling threatened and it acted upon the only way it knew how. With some luck, it didn’t take long before the animal retreated up the hill as quickly as it appeared.

Chloe wanted to stay in the tree all night for fear of the boar returning, but she forced herself down onto the enormous granite boulder. Her body hurt as she lowered herself. She would look in a moment. As her foot made contact, the loose rocks beneath her boot betrayed her, causing her to lose grip on the tree and her foot to slip on the rocks. Before she could get her footing, gravity took over, and she tumbled down the slope.

Branches and leaves scraped her face and arms as she tumbled her way through foliage. She bounced off a boulder and could feel her skin getting graze burns as she attempted to get a hold of something. Anything. But she couldn’t. The impact from hitting a small tree, then another, and another caused pain to explode at her side. When she rolled to a stop, she had the wind knocked out of her. She wasn’t sure how far the fall was, but it felt like minutes, not seconds.

Chloe didn’t dare to move for fear of being severely injured. The pain down her side, the stinging of her cheeks, and burning of her hands, had her questioning if were they bad enough to stop her from walking out of this place? She didn’t dare to continue that thought process. The air burned as it reentered her lungs. Her sweat slicked skin had dirt and leaves stuck to her, but she didn’t care. But she will allow herself a long moment to just breathe. Allow her body to rest.

Looking up from where she lay, she could see how far she had fallen.

So this is how it is, huh?

Is this life’s way of saying how far she had fallen? She couldn’t help but see the irony of it all. Back home, towards reality, she knew she had fallen. She had lost her way. Day by day. The moment she lost a patient, she knew she wasn’t herself. She made every attempt. Her knowledge was put to the test. The patient was advocated for by her. But it did nothing. She lost a piece of herself the moment her patient passed. Even when you are in a controlled environment such as a hospital ward—a place you feel safe—you can be in danger. From other people. From yourself. Given the shitty cards that life has dealt you. Tears threatened to spill, but she wouldn’t give them, or the woods, the satisfaction. She knew she was in terrible shape, but somewhere deep inside, there was still a stubbornness to her, refusing for her to go down without a fight. She may lack direction, but she is stubborn, if anything.

Why does everything have to be so impossible?

With that thought, she forced herself to stand up. She could feel every injury, including the laceration from the boar. She would curse it if she could. But maybe she shouldn’t—he was in his home after all. She is an outsider in this terrain. She took a step and fell into a tree for support. Everything throbbed. She put her nursing skills to use and could see that nothing was fatal yet. As long as she didn’t get an infection. She just needed to find a way out of here.

I just have to survive—like I always have.

That was when she heard it. A steady and gentle trickle of water not too far from here. Water flowed downhill. There was a stream that was near the tourist base. Hope tightened in her chest. If she followed the stream, she would find her way back to safety. Grabbing a stick, she tested its sturdiness by poking it into the ground and putting her weight on it. It was strong enough to hold her weight.

First, she needed water. Following the sound, she found no tricks this time. The sight of the gentle stream greeted her. After replenishing her thirst and tearing off parts of her shirt to clean, she tended to her wounds and wrapped what she could. After she finished, she looked uphill from where she fell, then downhill where the stream led. Chloe learned that her instincts have led her astray so far, but she is right about this. The base had to be at the bottom of the hill, and following the stream should be the safest. She wasn’t too naïve to believe it would lead her right to the home base, but she had to believe it would get her in a position where she could at least find the way. Before Chloe could doubt herself any further, she followed the stream. Nothing good has come from uphill, she will take her chances going downhill.

Every step was agony, but the sound of the stream, the caress of wind, and smell of eucalyptus guided her. She had to trust it would lead her somewhere. Just like she had to trust that what she has been through at home was for a reason.

Maybe character development?

Chloe laughed to herself. If not character development, then at least to prove that she can go through the unexpected and come out swinging. The last few hours are testament to that. She may be in bad shape, but she has survived so far. Despite her encounter with the boar, she felt safe at present. It was possible from allowing herself to appreciate the beauty and what nature offers. It allows people to ground themselves and find their way back to who they can be. Chloe knew she was strong. She just needed to be reminded.

Hours passed as streams widened and shrunk in size. It was a full-moon which allowed her to make her way in the night. She tumbled here and there, slipped on the wet leaves and rocks, stumbling in the water, but she didn’t leave the stream’s side. It centred her, somehow. She also found the water soothing to her soul. In different circumstances, it was a sight to behold. Despite everything she endured, she would be back. The woods were newly appreciated by her. Now, she could also appreciate her potential. Trusting the endless valleys, shadowed boulders, and trees, she knew it would lead to safety and self-discovery.

She saw lights. Those lights came from lanterns around the tourists home-base cabin. The breeze also brought the faint sound of voices. It was not only the fatigue that had her legs trembling, and gasping for air.

She had made it.

As she got closer, a small group of people made it to her, and she crumbled to the ground.

“Oh, my. Are you okay?” The woman’s voice was unsteady with shock.

“I got lost.” Chloe laughed and cried at the same time. “But I’m okay now.”

The woods are unpredictable. It sent her in circles. It had her in pain, fear, and exhaustion. But she didn’t succumb to it. She proved to herself that she is strong, aware, and capable. It mattered to no one else, but it did to her.

She might have been lost in the woods, but she also found herself.