Movies That Suck

My wife Janine wants me to stop organizing the monthly movie meetup in Hoboken. “Love you babe,” I tell her on the way out, giving her my best I’m a great husband aren't I smile.

Without looking over, she says, “have a good time,” and wiggles her fingers in farewell.

I don’t get much TLC on movie nights. But I think she understands a man needs to blow off some steam every once in a while. She’s also been giving me a hard time about being stuck in my ways, so it’s good to get the night off.

I slip out the door quietly. We used to talk about how, if we got onto Dancing with the Stars (no, we’re not celebrities), she’d be the graceful pixie next to a bear that looks like a half-Italian version of Kevin Smith. We get a laugh out of that. And now that we’re speaking of Italy, La Dolce Vita, great film right? Shows we need to live life to the fullest while we are alive. But unlike the film, my wife and I have an agreement that I'll be home by 10pm. Tonight's meetup starts at 6.

Leadership. That's what's called for in organizing a Meetup Group. Yesterday, I sent a message to our members–who, honestly, can be a bunch of passive losers—to give them a little push.

Dear Suckers: To attend this month's Movies That Suck Meetup, you need to DM the organizer one film or TV show from 2022 to be nominated for the year-end award. 

The usual suspects start to reply—yes, the film reference is intentional.

(Matt) Amsterdam.

(Kev) Avatar.

(Patrick) Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio. 

(Todd) Bergman Island. 

WTF Todd? Bergman Island is a tribute to a master of cinema. I'm going to have to kick his ass for that.

Bergman’s Seventh Seal (one of the greatest films ever made) has a main character meet Death. The MC knows he’s a goner, so he challenges Death to a chess game. The trick is, his plan is not about winning. He simply knows as long as the game continues, he will be alive, so he stretches things out. Our meetup is like that. The conversation dies when people run out of bad movies to talk about.

I’m walking distance to the Black Bear Bar. Five minutes after I leave our apartment, I’m almost there. I go past the Madd Hatter– the bar is way too popular to hold our meetup–and sitting inside, I see a guy who came once to our meetup and left early with the best looking gal we had and never came back. Meetups are like that. People come and go. But that man sure knew a lot about the cinema. 

Our regular members might not be the sharpest knives out of the film rack, but at least they want to learn. 

The cultural landscape is far worse at my office. At Cranston & Powell, when I ask people’s insights about Reservoir Dogs or Apocalypse Now, they look at me as if they never heard of the movies. I thought lawyers might be higher level film snobs, so I switch up and pull out Fellini, but that doesn't get any better response. As i.t admin, perhaps I have more free time than they do. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Jack and Jill I mean.

I setup upstairs at the Black Bear Bar, and by 6:15pm we have a dozen people and I get things started.

“Welcome to the Movies That Suck Meetup,” I say, in a voice loud enough to wake up our old-timer, 78-year-old Hank, who’s asleep in the back. Then I introduce today's factual tidbit. “In 1959, Jean Luc Goddard, one of the greatest directors who’s ever lived, was a mere film critic. He knew which films sucked,” 

I flick on the projector and introduce the educational slide, “He wrote this letter to the top 20 directors in France.”

“Your camera movements are ugly because your subjects are bad, your casts act badly, because your dialogue is worthless; in a word, you don’t know how to create cinema, because you no longer know what it is. “ -Jean Luc Goddard

“That's badass, bruh,” Big Matt shouts out in his Bill Burr-like Boston tinged squeal.

“Dude, he was no joke,” I say back. “Now in 2022, we’re back in the same place as Jean fucking Luc Goddard. Movie studios in Hollywood spoon-feeding audiences with formula trash, like the latest edition of the MCU franchise.”

I start a rant about the downward slide in Marvel films after Spider Man 2.

Big Matt take a sip of his beer and from behind the glass heckles, “Play the clips.”

“I hear you bruh,” I say, “On with the show.” Big Matt is a good guy, but every time he has one too many, he goes on about how his wife says he’s not good enough. He drinks every night to get away from it all, and says our meetup is better than sitting downstairs at the bar.

I load the mp4 file, I spent five hours putting together the five minutes of good bad clips. 

A 30-second scene of Margot Robbie and John David Washington lights up the big picture sports screen.. 

The rule in our group is that the person who suggested the clip, now has to say a few words. One of younger members stands up.

“Hello suckers, I'm Chris.” He’searly-30s with a receding hairline, but I.T. guy smart. Could be the next Elon. He continues, “And Amsterdam is my pick for the movie in 2022 that sucks! David O Russell dropped the ball. In the story, ‘General Dillenbeck’ tries to overthrow Franklin Delano Roosevelt—an obvious modern day metaphor. I’ll take Three Kings or Silver Lining playbook any day. ”

He gets some applause from the group. Amsterdam is probably not tonight's winner; Even though I suspect a lot of us vote for the other political party, this is the New York area, so better we avoid the whole Jan 6th topic. I hit the button and play the next clip: Avatar.

We go through the list of nominees for films that suck, and while we haven't agreed on the winner yet, we do agree on the superiority of the classics. Reservoir dogs, Apocalypse now, the Godfather, Goodfellas, even Monty Python.

The only tangent is when Kev brings up Japanese movies; about how great they are, and how they don’t have the agenda of all the new Hollywood films. That all sounds fine, but we live in the greatest nation on earth, and it doesn't seem very relevant.

I hear the Pretenders song, “Don't Get Me Wrong” begin playing downstairs. I ask, “And, are there any other comments about our nominations for the movie that sucks.. really sucks…is the suckiest?” We need to work on a better title for the award.

And then, old-timer Hank, who was half asleep the whole time, sits up straight. He has his eyes wide open. I see his beer is half gone. He must be one of those people that wakes up when they’re drinking.

“I’ve been listening, and I want to say back in 1975 we didn’t think Apocalypse Now was a good film, because there were druggies in it and not real men like John Wayne. And, we didn’t like The Godfather much, because that was about Italian-Americans who weren't considered real Americans back then. Back then, we thought both those movies sucked.”

I glance around at the group’s puzzled expressions. No one knows where Hank is going with this. I'm going to have to shut him down if he goes too far.

“But now, I’ve come to think of them as fine films, and Italian Americans are just as American as all the rest of us,” he says.

“That’s good to hear,” I say, and see a few people smile in relief:

“But, on your list, the new Lord of the Rings film, that film sucks!” He says it so passionately that bits of beer fly off his lips.

If it’s upset Hank much, I now feel I might want to check it out. I see everyone grinning in amusement at how passionate Hank his become.

Big Matt waves his forearm at Hank in a

salute. “Right on brother!”

I feel that tingling that tells me everything is alight, and at this moment, I am connected to the rest of humanity.

“Pour Hank another beer”

Now that Hank has broken the ice with a sledgehammer, we all start to talk about some of the new stuff we like. How TV these days, especially what HBO puts out, is just as good as classic film, maybe even better.

After my third beer, I look at Hank who’s now complaining bitterly about everything that's wrong in 2023, and can see, that's going to be me in 30 years unless I take care of myself.

When I arrive home at 9:45pm as promised, I have something I want to say to the gorgeous red head and mother of my two children.

“Tomorrow night, Instead of going to Augustino’s again, how about I take you to that sushi place on Hudson Street you keep mentioning?”

“Todd, I thought you’d never ask.” She wraps her arm around me, then we cozy up to watch tonight’s film, Ticket to Paradise. 

While we watch George Clooney and Julia Roberts have light comic adventures in Bali, in reassuringly predictable ways, I tell Janine about what went down at the movie meet up. 

Together, we come up with a plan. This year, I am going to rename the group. Movies That Don’t Suck. We might even include YouTube clips at some point. But not TikTok videos, not ever.