If Only...

Jocelyn slipped behind the wheel of her black SUV, the taste of that last kiss still on her lips, the smell of another’s skin against hers. 

“Holy crap! What did I just do? What the heck is wrong with me!?” 

Alex assured her that no one would know, and that was probably true, but even so, she would know. Alex would know. How could they possibly live with themselves? She rested head on the steering wheel, feeling its coolness seeping into her brain, wiling it to numb the firestorm of guilt roaring inside her head. 

Of all the stupid, impulsive things she’d ever done, this one was by far the worst. She replayed the evening’s events in her head. Blake had been asleep for about an hour. Alex and Taylor had come home earlier than expected; it was only 10 o'clock. They put a very inebriated and giggly Taylor to bed, and she had passed out almost instantly. Alex had offered her a drink to keep him company for a while since it was still early, and they were friends. Why shouldn't she? One drink turned into two, and then three, and then four... Then things had happened; things that really shouldn’t have happened. 

How could she do this to Taylor? She was her best friend! How could Alex do this to Taylor? He was married to her! She may have just betrayed her best friend, but Alex had just betrayed his wife. Wasn't that worse? Didn't that make her a better person that Alex? Maybe? Maybe this would be easier to live with is she could have some assurance that she wasn't the worst person alive. Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, after all, she wasn't a rapist or a serial killer. She and Alex were both hippocrits. Both sinners who had betrayed a loved one.

She knew staying had been a bad idea. She should’ve left when they’d gotten home. She just wanted to watch Blake so they could have a nice night on the town. They almost never had time to themselves. Then, after Taylor passed out, Alex offered her a drink so they could talk about some of the highlights of Taylor's drunken antics. And then the drinking started. And then... Why didn’t she just leave when they got home?  

Well, she was leaving now. She turned on the car, backed out of the driveway, and then turned and peeled out out, kicking up asphalt behind her as she sped down the street. She needed to put some distance between her and that house, and fast. She could still feel the sweat and the tingling sensations against her hot skin. She could hear the soft words whispered in her ear and feel the fingers lightly caressing her. It was definitely a terrible act of betrayal, but man! It was beautiful. It was intense. She didn’t have much experience to go on, but she was quite certain that it had been one of the most exhilarating encounters of her life.  

But, Taylor? How could she do this to her? The oppressive weight of her guilt settled back on her shoulders reminding her of how horrible of a person she was to have done this. But she wasn’t the only evil one here. Alex was also involved. Alex seemed to think that everything was okay and that no one would ever know what evil people they were. And, really, it wasn't that big of a deal, was it? It was just a little fun between two friends. And oh, it had been fun. So much fun. And breathtaking. And electrifying. She let herself remember the sensations and pleasure for a minute. Maybe she was an evil person, but the evil act itself had been beautiful. It was heart-breaking and mind-blowing at the same time; like fire and ice.

“Snap out of it!” She shook off the momentary pleasure the memory had brought her and got back to her self-depreciation and blame-placing. Right. Blame. Alex. He had convinced her that it had been a drunken mistake and that it would be best for all of them if they just forgot it ever happened. They never would have done this in their right minds. It was just an accident. Like "Oops! Shoudn't have done that. Oh well, sorry!" Like everything was okay. Like they hadn’t just committed an act that could ruin her friendship, not to mention their marriage and potentially the lives of Taylor and Blake.  

She found herself in her driveway and turned off the car. Could this really stay hidden? Could they actually get away with this? And possibly, in the future...

“Stop it, Jocelyn!” she chastised herself. How could she even think that way? Maybe other people could. Other people could enjoy the “benefits” of "friendship" without feeling like they’d just betrayed their best friends, but she was not one of those people. Was she? Maybe she was now. She actually had just betrayed her best friend.

She continued to berate herself as she climbed the stairs and started the shower. She needed a cold shower. She needed, somehow to rid herself of her dirty indescretions. She scrubbed away at her skin as if trying to scrub it off. As if she could scrub away the guilt and shame of her actions. She didn’t even allow herself a hot shower. She didn’t deserve that kind of comfort. 

As she dried herself off, she noticed the indicator light on her phone was blinking. She had just gotten a message. Her heart pounded against her ribs as if trying to escape her chest. All the air in the room seemed to have vanished, and she couldn’t breathe. What if it was Taylor? What would she say? Did she somehow find out what had happened? And now she was ready to lambaste her with condemnation and disgrace? She took a deep, shaky breath to steady herself and picked up her phone. She clicked the message icon and let out a sigh of relief. Of course, it wasn’t Taylor. She’d still be passed out in bed.  

She looked at the phone again. It wasn’t Taylor, it was Alex. What did he want? Her heart rate kicked up as the air was once again extracted from her lungs. Did he change his mind and want to tell Taylor everything? Surely he wouldn’t. But wait, wasn’t that what she wanted? To get rid of the guilt? But that would mean breaking Taylor’s heart, and Blake’s. She couldn’t do that to them. Alex wouldn’t want that either, would he?

She mustered up what little courage she had left, held her breath, and read the text quickly, like, ripping off a band-aid, like that would make it hurt less or something.  

“I’m not saying that it should’ve happened or that it wasn’t a mistake, but it was a pretty great one, wasn’t it? Just wanted to let you know that I’m still thinking of you. Tonight was incredible. I know we’re not going to let it happen again, but if it did, would that be such a bad thing? Anyway, talk to you later. Oh, and by the way, don’t forget about Blake’s party next weekend! We changed the time from 1 to 3. Hope that still works for you!”

Seriously?! What kind of text was that? Hey, I’m sorry we accidentally had freakishly, amazing sex, but hey, maybe we should do it again? No, not really, but maybe. Oh! And don’t forget about the birth of my son whose life we could ruin if his mom finds out that we just had freakishly, amazing sex!  

She tossed the phone on her bed and put her head in her hands. It felt as if her head was in a vice that was being squeezed shut with betrayal on one side and condemnation on the other. Her stomach roiled within her threatening to expel all of its contents all over her bedspread. However, unlike Taylor who would probably be doing the same thing in the morning, her illness was related to her indiscretions and not the alcohol she had consumed. Though the alcohol didn't help much either. Alex had blamed it all on the fact that they were both drunk, but was that it? Even if she had been drunk, she had still known what she was doing.  

“We need to tell her.” She hit send before she had a chance to change her mind. Then she waited, the time passing by like eons making her years older in a matter of seconds. She was waiting for a text, so she almost jumped out of her skin when her phone actually rang instead. She answered instantly.

“Alex, we have to tell her.”

“Are you crazy?!" His voice was incredulous despite the fact that she could hear him trying to stay quiet. "Do you know what that would do to her? To us? To Blake? Why would we do that? Joc, it was one time. A mistake. We were both drunk, remember? And you want to screw up everything because of a mistake?”

“But we’re not drunk now. Alex, we can’t keep this. It’s not right. It would break their hearts.”

“It will break their hearts! And ruin our marriage and Blake’s life. Think about Blake, Joc. His party is Saturday. What’s going to happen if we tell her now?” He was almost roaring into the phone now. At this rate, they might not actually have to tell Taylor at all. She'd hear it herself if he got much louder.

“How am I going to face her if we don’t? We’re just going to walk around and pretend that nothing happened? She’s my friend. I see her every day at work.”

“She’s my wife, Joc! I live with her! I sleep with her and you want to tell her we just had sex while she was passed out?” Okay, fair point. At least, she didn't actually live with Taylor.

“How can we not?” There was a brief pause on his end.

“Joc, listen to me okay? Just think about it. Let everything simmer for a minute. I think, if you just stop freaking out and think about this rationally, you’ll see that_”

“Think about it rationally? There was nothing rational about it.” Now she was roaring into the phone. She couldn't help it. She needed to yell and scream. She needed to be heard.

“I know. That’s why we should just let it go. It shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake. It’s done and over. Just let it be. I know it will be awkward for a while, but it will get better as time goes on. I promise, Joc." He sounded like a petulant child pleadeing to be let out of time out. It was heartbreaking. "She’s still out. There’s no way she’ll ever find out. We don’t need to say anything. Please. Joc, I’m your friend, too and I’m asking you as a friend, please don’t do this. Take something to help you sleep, and let it go. Please."

Jocelyn wasn’t sure how to respond. She hadn’t thought about that. He was her friend, too, and if she said something she’d be hurting all three of them. And Blake. And for what?

“Joc? You still there?”

“Yes, I’m still here. I’m just… I don’t know, Alex. I’m not sure I can just sit back and act as if nothing happened.”

“Joc, please? Can you please just do this one thing for me?” He actually sounded like he was crying.

She gave a heavy sigh of resignation. “Fine, I won’t say anything.”  

“Thank you.” There was a whoosh of air on the other end of the line as if he had been holding all the air in the room and just let it all out.

“I won’t say anything, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it Saturday with this on my chest. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about seeing her at work every day, but being back at the house and seeing both of you together…”

“It's okay. I get it. Blake and Tay will both be disappointed, but I understand. Maybe you can just send his gift home with Tay this week.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Anyway, I’m exhausted and miserable and my head is killing me now, and I really don't want to talk about this anymore. I think I’m just going to take a couple of Benadryl or something and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll just call in sick to work Monday.”

“Hey, it will be fine. We’ll get through it. It’s going to be hard for me, too, remember?”

“Yeah, I guess," she snorted. "Bye. Oh, and Alex?” 

“Yeah?”  He sounded tired, too.

“This can never happen again.”  

“I know, Joc. Get some sleep.”

She hung up the phone and laid back on the bed, her head still pounding. She didn’t know how she was going to face Taylor at work. Maybe she should just quit and get another job somewhere else. Come to think of it, maybe she should just move to an entirely new city, or state even, and change her name to ensure that no one came looking for her. 

She entertained that foolish idea for a moment and then grabbed a couple of Benadryl from the medicine cabinet in her bathroom, downed them, and went to bed, hoping she would wake up in the morning and it all would be just a nasty nightmare. If only...