1. Swear off dating losers (i.e. stand-up comedians) and instead find a nice guy with a stable job and a decent credit score.
2. Do not respond to James’s texts, calls, or emails.
3. Even if he’s charming.
4. Even if he’s desperate.
5. Ignore James when you run into him in public. Especially if it happens to be the same bar where you’re waiting to meet your Tinder date. 
6. If you can’t ignore him, be as cold as possible and let him know that your life is so much better now that he’s out of the picture.
7. Don’t believe him when he says his comedy career is starting to take off. You’ve heard that one before. 
8. Ignore the pang in your chest when he smiles at you. And for god’s sake, do not smile back. 
9. Do not cry in the shower because you can’t stop remembering all the good times you had. Yes he is cute. Yes he is funny. Yes he is romantic and charming and makes you feel a little drunk when you’re with him, even now. Even after everything. But he is also forgetful and irresponsible and would rather couch-surf for the next ten years than start a 401k. You do not need the headache. 
10. Go out on another date with Richard. Sometimes it takes a while for a connection to form. 
11. Introduce Richard to your friends. Poll them on whether he’s a keeper.
12. Do not yell at Jenna for saying you’re “overcorrecting.” She loves you and cares about you, and there’s probably some truth to what she’s saying. You’re not exactly getting love vibes about Richard. But after being so in love with James and completely inconsolable after it ended, it’s okay to have a lukewarm relationship. Right? 
13. Find a plausible excuse to get out of going to the comedy festival with Richard.
14. Even though he already bought tickets.
15. Even though they were expensive.
16. Do not yell at Jenna for telling Richard that we could move our plans so I could go to the comedy festival with him. It’s not her fault that he called her directly. Although she of all people knows why you don’t want to go. Traitor. 
17. Lick doorknobs, sit next to people in doctors’ offices, do whatever you have to do to get sick before Saturday. 
18. Get Jenna’s advice on whether you should just end things with Richard before Saturday. 
19. Get Jenna’s advice on what you should wear on Saturday. On the one hand, you want to blend in with the crowd as much as possible so James doesn’t notice you. On the other hand, if you do run into James, you want to look devastating. 
20. Let Jenna give you a makeover Saturday morning. It’s the least she can do. 
21. Get through the evening with as much dignity as possible (i.e. pretend James doesn’t exist).
22. Even though he’s the headliner. And shit, he’s really funny. I forgot how much he makes me laugh.
23. Forget how much James makes you laugh. 
24. Don’t think about how impressive it is that he’s killing it up there. He’s got the whole audience on the hook, whereas you get stressed out every time you have to lead a four-person meeting. 
25. Look into public speaking classes when you get home. 
26. Ignore the electricity buzzing through your body as James finishes his set. Yes it was good, but it was a performance. It’s not real. Remember the time he showed up late to your dad’s birthday party with a six-pack he bought at the gas station and wearing a shirt that said “Surely not everybody was kung fu fighting”? That is the real James. 
27. Run to the bathroom as soon as James walks off the stage so you don’t have to interact with him. 
28. Do not panic when you come back to find James standing at your table, talking to Richard.
29. Take deep breaths. In. Out.
30. Be polite. It’s the least you can do. You are at his event with a date after all.
31. Ignore the way James’s face lights up when you compliment his set. 
32. Keep your face neutral when James mentions his roommate. Don’t think about the fact that a few short months ago you were talking about moving in together. 
33. Do not agree to give him a lift home so he can feed his roommate’s dog. Of course James offered to pet sit while he was doing a gig and his clunker of a car is in the shop. Do not take pity on him and offer to help. He is a grown-ass man, and he can Uber.
34. Do not yell at Richard for agreeing to give James a lift home so he can feed his roommate’s dog. Richard is a nice person who just thinks James is an old friend and doesn’t know anything about your history with him.
35. Tell Richard about your history with James.
36. Tell him. Right now.
37. Never mind, it’s too awkward at this point. Just keep your mouth shut. 
38. Do not yell at James for letting the dog run out the front door and into the night. It was clearly an accident, and getting upset isn’t going to solve anything. Even though this is SO typical of him. God, he can’t even handle the simplest responsibility. And now he wants help, as if you haven’t helped him enough already. Well, he’s on his own. There is no way in hell you are getting pulled into another one of his scrapes.
39. Tell Richard to drive slowly through the neighborhood, scanning for Yoshi.
40. Call the police and local animal shelters in case someone else finds him.
41. Help James search on foot. Keep as much distance between you as possible.
42. Just say “You’re welcome” when James thanks you for your help. Do not point out that once again, he has gotten himself in way over his head, and that once again, it falls to you to bail him out of trouble. 
43. Do not soften just because James calls himself an idiot. And says that you’re strong and capable. And admits that he’s been putting more of an effort into his career since you broke up. Because he wants to be more like you.
44. Don’t admit that you could probably stand to be a bit more like James, because you haven’t had any fun at all since you broke up. Not that searching for a lost dog is exactly fun, but it’s a break from routine in any case. 
45. Stop inside the corner store for beef jerky to lure Yoshi.
46. Swallow the lump in your throat when James hands you a scratch-off, just like the ones he always hid in your purse, glove compartment, desk drawer, whatever. Just so you’d randomly find them and have a good day, because even if you didn’t win, you knew he’d been thinking about you. 
47. Don’t think about the fact that he never kept one for himself, because you were “all the luck he needed.”
48. Slip the scratch-off into your pocket without opening it. You are not emotionally ready for that, and besides, you need to save all your luck for finding Yoshi. 
49. Check the dog park.
50. Check the nature path.
51. Check every backyard and garden you pass. 
52. Ask James if there was anywhere else Yoshi liked to go. If he had any favorite places or people or dogs…
53. Chase after James, who has now pulled a Yoshi and gone running off into the night.
54. Catch up with James and throw your arms around him when you see that he’s found Yoshi, who is happily snuggled up next to another dog in someone’s backyard. 
55. Pull away from James as soon as you realize you’ve been lingering too long.
56. Go up to the front door and apologetically explain the situation to the homeowner.
57. Decline her offer to come in for coffee and cookies. Bite back a sigh when James says, “Sure!” and follow him in anyway. 
58. Chat with the homeowner, whose name is Carol. She’s a sweet older woman who just lost her husband recently. Seems lonely and thus delighted that Yoshi has chosen her Snowball for his forbidden tryst. She doesn’t get many visitors these days.
59. Smile at James when he invites Carol to his next show, promising to save her a front-row seat. 
60. Offer to go with her to the show. Purely so Carol will have someone to sit with. Not because you want to watch James perform again. 
61. Agree to a game of Scrabble when Carol pulls out the board. She really is a dear, and Yoshi’s safe and sound, and besides, you love Scrabble.
62. Put up a valiant effort against Carol, who’s wilier than you would’ve suspected. James is no competition, of course. He never was. He always spends the game trying to come up with the most suggestive words he can. Is “lotus” a weird sex thing? 
63. Do further research on whether lotus is a weird sex thing. When you’re back home, obviously. 
64. Suggest a round of charades once Scrabble’s over. 
65. Ignore the looks James is sending you, because yes, you did remember that it’s his favorite party game. But he doesn’t need to know that.
66. Do your best to act out “telemarketer” even though that’s a really unfair one. That Carol is diabolical.
67. Realize that it’s been a while since you checked your phone. Oh god. Richard.
68. Run to the coat rack and pull your phone out of your jacket pocket.
69. Ignore James, who is still trying to guess: “Emergency! Panic! Terrible news! Death in the family! Crushing realization and dread!” Seven missed calls, three voicemails, eighteen texts. Shit.
70. Step outside and call Richard, who is predictably furious.
71. Start in on some elaborate lie that will magically explain everything.
72. Stop. What’s even the point? You don’t like Richard, not really. You had more fun in the last two hours, courting disaster with James, than you’ve had the entire time you’ve known Richard. And maybe that doesn’t say anything good about you. But at least you don’t have to pretend anymore.
73. Tell Richard the truth. All of it. Your history with James. The beef jerky and the scratch-off. Finding Yoshi and meeting Carol. Genuinely forgetting all about him because you were having too much fun losing at Scrabble. 
74. Apologize, wish Richard the best, and then say goodbye. Forever.  
75. Go back inside and tell James that you were a telemarketer, for god’s sake. Then raise a toast to Carol for being a party game master. 
76. Offer to help James walk Yoshi back home. Even though he doesn’t need help, and won’t be able to give you a lift back to your place. 
77. Tell James the truth. All of it. That you were only dating Richard because he’s the opposite of James. That you just broke up with him because he isn’t James. That all of the reasons you broke up with James in the first place still exist, but now you don’t care about any of them. Because the truth is that he made your life richer and deeper and more interesting when he was in it. 
78. Shrug when James asks if you want to get back together. Because honestly, who can tell at this point? This has been a very, very strange night. 
79. Propose a new resolution: to not have any goals or rules, and just see where it goes. 
80. …