Decisions, decisions

Cold sweat rolls down my back as I stare at the two doors in front of me, the hum of my heart ringing in my ears. There is nothing else. Around me there is only blackness, the universe is empty except for my options and me.

Two doors.

Two options.

And me.

I’ve been having the same dream over and over and over for years. It’s always the same. It starts with me opening my eyes only to find the world is gone, everything is gone but two immaculate onyx doors, each a copy of the other, standing before me, almost blending in with the rest of the black if not for the glow emanating from the doors. Doors that lead nowhere. Dead, heavy silence engulfs all, but it somehow feels peaceful. I look for something else, I walk toward them, sure that I’m gonna find that it is only some illusion that can be discovered if I just look close enough, but I never find anything.

“Hello?”

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?He…

My echo is my only answer.

“Can somebody please help me?” I try again.

Help me? Help me? Help me? Hel…

Where am I? Is it possible that I’m alone here? Could I truly be the only person in all this universe? I sigh, fearing the possible answers. Better not to know. Still, I knock on one door, then the other. Nothing.

So I sit in front of them, my head resting easily on my hand as I contemplate the doors. They are beautiful. Whoever made them must have taken such a long time to craft the delicate shapes etched into the smooth mineral. It was made with love, I realize after years and years of watching them, admiring them. Loving them. So much love. Watching them, I could almost forget that I didn’t know where I was, that I had to do something to get back to the world. They were so perfect. Not a single mistake that my eyes could find. And there’s light somehow, glinting off the little crevices here and there and it almost looks like they’re gleaming with their perfection. Suddenly I’m convinced these doors were created only for me, so I could admire their beauty, made only for my eyes to behold. But I have to get up, I know I have to go back to wherever I came from. With a heavy sigh, I rise, reticence clutching my body as I accept that I have to go now. But how?

And that’s when the voices start. And I know, deep inside me, it’s the doors that are talking to me. They speak faintly, telling me a secret. Their whispers kiss my ears as my heart starts racing, my mind reeling as the voices, soft as a lover, start to embrace me.

Choose.

You have to choose.

Choose.

I shake my head, confused. No. No. Why?

Choose.

I look at the doors, they’re identical. The same shapes carefully carved into the onyx, the same silver, glinting knob with beautiful details imitating those in the doors. No keys. No nothing else. I don’t want to choose. Sweat prickles my shaking hands and I swallow as I am hit with the certainty that I cannot choose, how could I forgive myself for choosing only one?

Choose.

I can’t. I can’t. It’s impossible. I can’t choose! I love them both!

You have to choose.

Anxiety slowly starts to creep up my back, gripping my lungs in its skittish hands and my breath becomes hyperventilation. I can’t choose! I can’t choose! If I choose one, then I’ll never see the other one again! I don’t know how to choose between two things that I love, please stop, I can’t choose between them!

Choose!

What if I choose wrong?

Choose!

The horrifying notion that no matter what I chose will be the wrong choice cripples me, fear grabbing desperately at my heart as tears start running down my red, swollen face and I wail and I cry and I scream and then I usually wake up.

Except not this time.

I’m still here.

I’m still here and the salt of my tears coat my tongue like ash and I’m terrified and there is nowhere to go.

Choose.

“Why?!” I yell, looking up, looking down, looking everywhere for an answer.

Because you have to choose.

“But I can’t, I can’t, please!” I moan, pleading, begging for someone to help me and take this weight off my shoulders.

Choose!

I give a step forward, sobs bouncing from my lips into the emptiness of this place. I look to the door on the left, to the door on the right and I clutch my head. How? How?

“How?” I cry.

Just choose.

Another step. I’m between the doors, I look at one, then the other, once, twice, thrice.

How? How? How?

And then I see it, just the smallest of differences. Little dots and lines of red and white that sprinkle the right door. I look at the other. They are there too, but those in the right are better, somehow. Are they? They seem balanced, like there are enough red and white little dots and lines. Yes, it’s better, yes it is. Is it?

Choose!

I step to the right. My hand rising as I shake and look to the other door. Is it? I swallow the tears in my mouth, I breathe.

I breathe.

I breathe.

Choose! Choose now!

I grab the knob. Is it?

It’s burning in my hand.

I scream.

Choose!

I open the door. Is it?

I see nothing. There’s only blackness at the other side too.

Choose!

I step into the other side and I fall. The door shuts close behind me.

The voices laugh.

And I fall

(There’s nothing around me)

And I fall

(I see stars smiling in the dark)

And I fall

(Are they laughing too?)

And I hit something soft.

There is silence again. I breathe.

Did I wake up?