My black dress

I was walking to my car. I had just finished a week after meeting my boss for a -I won't take too much of your time- meeting. It turned out to be what I feared most. The review. I was in the wrong this time. I had been very busy with God knows what. I barely submitted my work if at all. I didn't even look at it. I was lonely and desperately sick. Mentally ill that is. I don't know why I had the malaise which attacked me unexpectedly. I think that I forgot to mourn my father's death and it caught up with me when I least expected it. So I would wake up wanting to go to work and rush downstairs to my kitchen and look around at my favorite things and then just call in sick. Luckily we only had to call a main uncovered number like in high school where parents left messages on voicemail to excuse their children from missing school. Our office only wanted no human to human contact. Humans were untidy. They were not careful about other's feelings.

So it was decided that everyone should be digitized. We barely walked the hallways at the same time. That was decided because of terrorists attacks which we feared and had unfortunately lived through. We were trained to be alone at all times. There was a 'computer' that monitored our movements at all times.

The company which I worked for was hush hush. We only worked on small pieces of information to avoid replications of each other's work. It was efficient and a new way of doing such work. Like a very long algorithm, a very long complicated one at that, cut into pieces, we worked anonymously and could not trace it's origin! We were not allowed to discuss our work among each other. Our homes were bugged and we knew it. We never could tell from the time when we were interviewed for our jobs that we were actually putting our lives in danger or getting in the thick of things. Nothing in my office looked familiar. The walls were pure white. The desks were periodically replaced. Once my boss made a joke that our company did not clean our office, furniture was replaced to erase our finger prints. I think all of us who worked there had allergies. We were allergic to real life, to germs, to dust.

There were rituals that we had to practice before and after work. No-one was supposed to know exactly what we did for a living. We worked on computers, mainframes I think. You know the jobs that when advertised, the ad says "no experience necessary" and you get the job and you find out 'Lot's of experience expected!' is what they meant to say.

We printed documents and filled out forms. We added equations and made calculations. Our bosses walked around collecting our work like we were in class. We worked very hard. There were times when we worked so hard, we would stand around whispering to one another, wondering if we could ever solve the equations posed by computers or monitors, if we could code what the formula wanted us to code. Those computers monitored us and, we loved it until we couldn't solve a problem. We would hiss, kick and scream because if one piece was incorrect the whole system would shut down or we just could not print our work.

I remember wondering what we all had in common. We had nothing that stood out to identify why such people could be paid for getting frustrated by computer programs or by equations that came from the corporate office whose address did not matter because the content of the equation far outweighed the address of where those to whom we could complain were located. I was not the only one who drowned in this work ethic. I knew that one day I just wouldn't be able to make it.

The rewards were swell because if we could figure out who was not getting it right and solved all equations and printed our work on a given day, no-one could be happy or have a sense of accomplishment that we usually felt. We eventually got used to looking tired and confronted by details which to us had become art. It was like we were artists drawing a sketch which relied on each and everyone of us to come together.

So when I burnt out and became irresponsible, I was ashamed of myself. I think that I should have been more resilient. I just could not count anymore. I could not crunch the numbers. Even though I had worked ahead hoping that my absence would not matter as much, I knew that I failed everyone and I was a disappointment not just to others but to myself as well. Yet the little voice in me told me that I needed to pause and take it easy. I was having a lot of pride in my work and I did well, however something in me felt wrong and ill at ease. What was it? Success? I was unsure. I was not sure I could guess what it was even then. I could not move forward and be like 'everyone' else. I had bad mouthed myself too much by the second day of my missing work which had become a habit in four weeks' succession. Anyway I went to my doctor hoping that she would find a tumor with cancer. I was fine but not right in the mind because no matter how much I tried, I just could not get on with it. Well one day one of the guys who was brave enough to face me, said to me as I was taking off early; "You know, it isn't because we don't need you, or your work doesn't matter. Ours matter and we stay inspite of how tough it gets. It is the fact that we all rely on each other to get this thing done. I think that you are on your last life line." he said and walked to his desk sad looking and I was disgusted with myself and walked defiantly to my car amid the white pristine walls.

I drove away like a maniac, selfish and wanting my way. Mine, all mine. Always mine. I stopped at a nearby gas station and paid for gas filling up the gas tank and making a promise to myself that I was going to return to work the whole entire week the following week. I might leave early but I was going to make an effort to be at work the entire five days and get paid handsomely for my visit. I drove home and literally drowned myself on my bed and slept forever tired, sick and tired!

My phone was ringing! I heard a phone ringing in the distant fossils of my brain. My phone was ringing. I must recall how to react to a ringing phone. I tried to emerge from my sleep but I couldn't. I did.

"hello, who is this?" I asked

"it's me Jim. I wanted to invite you to your own party which we have planned. It will be in the office after work. You don't have to do much. We just wanted to make you feel better because you have the blues." Jim said and I could tell that they were all congregating around his desk waiting to hear my reply. I heard sh-- and many running to ask Jim "what did she say, Jim what did she say?"

"oh okay. That is so sweet. What day will it be?" I said blank not really recognizing the symbolism of this gesture. I thought to myself I must remember to google surprise impromptu party after missing work and see what comes up.

"On Wednesday, I know you have been missing work on Wednesdays. I thought that if we had cake and we are sweet to you on a Wednesday, you might not mind showing up to work on Wednesdays anymore. Something bad must have happened to you on a Wednesday." he said I could tell that he was uncomfortable maybe even shivering. I thought to myself how selfish of me making a nice guy feel something that he was not prepared to feel at work. To have a connection with me a person who cares very little about others. I felt bad for a second and then it went away, my selfishness was back.

"I always think that I was born on a Wednesday. So Wednesdays have become my marker if I feel ill at ease. I could verify if my birthday was on a Wednesday. I don't, because I am afraid it won't be on a Wednesday and I will be disillusioned because for so long I have believed that it was on a Wednesday." I said feeling selfish and thinking that I was back. I was myself again. I didn't even need a Wednesday party. I just needed a call from Jim.

"Oh wow, how funny. So we will see you next week right. You will be here the entire week, right? I think the supervisor wants to talk to you about your absences but I think they are used to people burning out." Jim said

"Oh yeah I will be there. Actually I am back if at all I can say that. I will have all the work printed because we are going to do this! Wow I am back!" I said jolly and hoping that they will be happy to have helped. We said our good byes and hoped to see each other at work the following week.

Come Wednesday, everyone was on top of the world and we were all in the old routine. No late work or delays we all were on our optimum best. A party was well deserved. The boss was there and she made a speech citing me without mentioning my name that I was disappearing and making her nervous. She tried to explain that I should not feel bad because many employees do hit 'the plateau' and sometimes they quit thinking that they are failing when infact it is just the beginning of the work that they were hired to do. We danced, ate cake and ice cream. I was asked to speak. Just as I was about to walk to the head of the table, the young good looking gentleman with whom I had started to have a love binge with, entered our common room. He was from our office from another district. I knew that he worked for the same company that I did but did not know that he was upper management. Just before I could speak, he approached me and asked for the microphone. He greeted everyone and talked about the value of work etc. etc. how excited he was about the quality of our work etc. etc. and "I would like to thank my wife Jane (my boss) here for inviting me to this very important social hour in your honor, Sam." He said looking at me square on the face.

"I hope you are feeling better now." He said and he handed me the mic. I staggered to where he was standing as he walked past me to "Jane".

"Can you hear me,, scratch scratch can you hear me oh you can Thank you!" "Oh hi everybody, thanks for the party. Oh his no I mean Hi Jane and Hi Maxwell. Thanks again Jane. I have to say that Maxwell....... you are married........wait you are married?"

Jim, ran to me, grabbed the mic and said "Sorry everyone wrong Max. I think she is thinking of Max my brother. No Sam Max is not married. This Maxwell is married to Jane. You do remember Jane, your boss. He eyeballed me. Anyway Sam would like to thank all of you for this fun day. It is a Wednesday. Would you believe it! It actually is the middle of the week, in a couple of days it will be Friday. Right Sam! By the way Sam you were born on a Saturday!" Jim said running away from the head of the table to where everyone was standing wide eyed!

I looked around and everyone was looking at me as if "How dare you embarrass us this way. Why would you not show up to work like the rest of us." instead I said out loud "Thanks Jim the cake is good. I am going to go to my car now." I walked to my car. Maxwell stood around talking to others who were not even showing a sign of knowing what had happened. Was I being punked? Did I really embarrass myself and my co workers by sleeping with my boss's husband? I didn't know that he even knew Jane. That is what every single girl says when asked why she slept with a married man. In conclusion, I decided to do something that even I did not expect to do. I decided not to quit my job. I decided to keep it. I would wait and leave only when asked to. I convinced myself that there was a learning moment in all of that had happened and I was not going to slink to the Unemployment office and sit at home and gain five pounds because I was at a party at work with Maxwell! Whom I met a month later and he said if I talked to him about Jane he was going to slap me. I believed him and never said a word or speak to him ever again. I am looking forward to having a lot more documents printed until I find out what the logarithm that we were working on meant and what it was for.