She's Going To Be Okay, Right?

'She's going to be okay, right?'

That question has been echoing in my mind as I stared numbly into the hospital room. Doctors and nurses are hovering over my mother as she struggles to breathe. They unbutton her blouse and stick adhesive pads to see her heartbeat. The ambient noise is drowning in my ears as I struggle to comprehend what is happening.

'She was fine just an hour ago.' I thought as I pressed my back against the wall. Slowly, I slide down the wall and sit on the hard linoleum floor. My lower lip quivers as tears peak at the corners of my eyes.

Watching my mother become so frail is like looking through a funhouse mirror. Her skin has grown clammy and blanketed in sweat. The older woman is breathing deeply as she struggles to get oxygen in.

I've never seen her so ill. 

"She's a doctor. They're not supposed to get sick. They're supposed to be healthy." I whispered as one of the nurses slid the curtain closed. My view of my mother disappears, and my heart gets lodged in my throat. 

As I lay there, I think back to the drive here.

My knuckles were white as I gripped the steering wheel in a death grip. My mother yelled at me to pick up speed as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. I blew through any red light in my way and nearly hit a few cars.

So many thoughts were running through my mind.

Is my mother alright? Is she just experiencing something minor? Or is this the moment that every child dreads?

I dropped her off at the emergency entrance so I could find a place to park. When I climbed out of the car, I ran into the lobby and asked where my mother had gone. There, a nurse led me to the hospital room where she is now.

'What do I do now?" I pondered to myself.

One of the doctors, a tall Caucasian man, emerges from the room. The man spots me immediately.

"Are you Riley?" he asked.

"Yes! That's me!" I said quickly, shooting back up to my feet. "Is my mom okay?" I ask worriedly.

The man's uneasy look suggests that he is struggling to find the words. This realization makes me acknowledge that this may be more serious than I thought. All I can do is wait for what he has to say.

"We believe your mother is suffering from a cardiopulmonary event." he begins slowly.

The breath in my lungs gets caught in my throat. I can't move or blink as I stare at the doctor.

"Cardio--are you talking about a heart attack?" I asked for clarification. 

The man nods regrettably.

"Your mother has an irregular heartbeat, chest pains, and other factors. Sadly, our hospital isn't equipped enough, so we'll be having your mother sent to another institute that specializes in heart care," he said.

My lips fold together in a thin line. I didn't know if I wanted to yell or cry. I wanted to ask the doctor why this was happening to my mother. Why can't they help her here? How am I supposed to help her?

So many emotions are flowing through me.

Rage. Confusion. Fear.

"What hospital?" I asked finally. 

"Saint Vincents." replied the doctor.

"O-Okay. Thank you." I said shakily. "Can I see my mom?" I asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry, but we gave her some medicine to ease her discomfort. You can still see her, but she might not be aware that you are there," the doctor advised.

I glance at the curtain and ponder what I will see on the other side. 

"I . . . I will stay here. I need to call my family and let them know what's happening," I said slowly. It twists my insides to avoid seeing my mother, but I can't face her now. She needs her rest.

The doctor nods in understanding before he goes and returns to my mother. All I can do is take out my phone and start typing.

For the next ten minutes, I'm explaining that situation to my family. I text in the family group chat that mom is in the hospital. Concern, panic, and fear are shared as my family asks what has happened. My stomach turned into knots as I told them everything I knew.

I wished it wasn't me giving the bad news. 

Why couldn't my dad decide to work from home today rather than go into the office? Why do my brothers have to be in different states to work? Why can't my sister have been home to visit from college?

I didn't realize I was in the car until I shut the door. Feeling the sweltering heat inside the car woke me up from the daze I was in. I stared blankly out the window at the hospital entrance, which was a few meters away.

The image of my mother lying on that hospital bed will forever be ingrained into my mind. I've never seen her look like that before. A child is never supposed to see their mother like that.

It makes me think of what she must've gone through when I was in the hospital. In the past, I was in and out of hospitals due to my mental health. My mother was always there, holding my hand, trying not to cry as she watched me suffer.

Finally, I let out a scream.

I scream until my lungs are the ones screaming. I scream until my throat is raw, my ears are ringing, and my face turns red. Angry tears stream down my cheeks as I slam my fist into the steering wheel. I accidentally honked the horn, but I didn't care.

'Why is this happening? Why now?' I thought in despair. 

It feels like forever until the screaming dies down. My throat feels scratchy. My vision is cloudy with tears. The air around me feels like it is boiling.

Sighing, I wipe away my tears and start the car. When the engine thrums to life, I shift into reverse and back out of the parking space. Then, I drive straight to Saint Vincents.