I Am Not A Robot

I AM NOT A ROBOT

Jack and Gale sat back and marvelled at the stupidity. No matter how hard they tried, the robot program wouldn’t let them speak to a human.

“Try this one.” Together they had tried everything they could think of. “Human in need of human assistance!”

Jack typed it in, but the same answer came back.

“I’m sorry, but I’m only a robot. Please ask a question so that I may help you.” This seemed to be the only reply that was available.

Jack scrolled down the page, and started counting. “That’s an even 50. Do you think that piss-ant knows any other words?”

Gale laid back on the couch and laughed in that way she had. “Maybe we could try the phone again.”

Jack brought the phone over. “Here; you work with this one, and I’ll try to get past IMO.” They had nicknamed that incessant bot as IMO. That came from I’M Only!

Gale dialed in the number, and got exactly the response she expected. “We’re sorry, but call volumes are exceptionally high. Please hold the line and an operator will be with you at our soonest availability. For faster service, you may wish to contact us online or text us. To access our text line, please press 11. If this is an emergency, please press 10. To return to the main menu, please press 1.”

Gale had been through this before, but she tried to be faster. She pressed the 1, but before she could press the 0, it went back to the main menu. She had heard somewhere that if you dial zero, you are put through to an operator. That was something that she had read in an old report somewhere. The report also stated that 85% of people who owned a VCR, never did learn how to set the time. It was kind of funny, but she missed those days. Then again, Jack was one of the people in the 15% who could do it.

She gave it a try, and pressed zero when the prompt came back on. “Your response does not register, please hang up and try again.” Then the line went dead once again.

Jack started laughing. “This kind of thing will be the death of us all. Let me try something else.” He went back to the tablet and started typing. ‘Human being requires a meeting with the main robotic interface’!

“I’m sorry, but I’m only a robot. Please ask a question so that I may help you.” Imo stayed true to his name.

Now Gale started laughing too. “I know what it is! Nobody wants to take the blame for screwing things up, so they’ve invented Imo. That stupid shit can take the flack, and nobody’s feelings get hurt.”

Jack wasn’t laughing anymore. “Somebody’s going to get something hurt soon. How in the hell are we supposed to get in touch with anyone in a position of authority?”

Gale pointed at the hostages. “Maybe they can help us. We stunned them before they could say a word.” She bent down and looked at the man. “He really doesn’t look very bright, does he?”

Jack was looking at the woman. “He looks a damn sight smarter than her.” The device was still in her hand, and she looked like she was still reading from it. He couldn’t take it any more, so he closed her eyelids.

Gale shook her head. “These people are too dependant on their devices. They can't determine what’s real, or what’s simply in the cloud.”

Jack looked out the window, and still couldn’t believe his eyes. A few people were out there walking around, but they all resembled zombies. To their credit, this town seemed to have gotten rid of automobiles, but it still looked like no one went anywhere.

Once again, Jack had to reconsider his assessment. Where in the hell would any of one of these plasticene dummies want to go? When Jack and Gale had first arrived, they had avoided the windows.  But now, that didn’t seem to matter.

They thought that they would need to keep a low profile, because they really didn’t have a lot of protection at this time! It would be difficult to talk to someone in a position of authority, but they didn’t need some kind of SWAT team storming the house.

Gale pretended to knock on the man’s head. “Hello! Is anybody there?” She looked at Jack. “I think he’s been disconnected at the source. I don’t think these people could do anything anyways. Should we really keep trying?”

Jack shrugged. “Maybe we should try somewhere else. They can't all be like these two. We have to get through to them somehow.”

Gale pointed at the window. “Where would we go, and how do we get there? From what we’ve seen, we can't even steal a car! And even if we did, I don’t think the bloody police could catch us. We could dump the car and out-walk them!”

Jack had still been trying to bargain with Imo, and so he retried the first question. ‘I’ll give you a silicone sandwich if you connect me to NASA, and of course, Imo was giving him the same answer. “Maybe everyone has been brainwashed, and they’re not allowed to speak to their leaders.”

Gale shrugged. “I like your idea, but even if they have leaders, just what in the hell are they leading? You could find more interest in a graveyard.”

Jack simply shook his head. “This is a bloody graveyard! I bet that if we had brought a brain scanner with us, we would find out that a gerbil has more intelligence than these people!”

Jack and Gale had been camping in north eastern Utah in 1999, when they suddenly woke up in some kind of a star vessel. They were of course terrified, but another Human couple met with them and helped to calm them down. People have been disappearing from Earth for centuries, but not all of them had died.

The problem with star travel, is that there are time dilations. By the time that the Endofrier saw the inevitable problem, they couldn’t stop it. They were willing however, to bring more Humans to safety with certain restrictions.

The rescued people would need to show a level of intelligence. Otherwise, it was a complete waste of time.

Jack and Gale had come back to Earth, to try and help their species merge in a happy way with the Galactic community, but it seemed as if their species had died many years ago.

Gale woke the woman as a last chance. “How do we tell your people that the world is going to end?”

The woman looked at her and smiled. “If you put it on the cloud, everyone will see it soon enough.” Just then the doorbell sounded. Both Jack and Gale jumped and reached for their weapons. “That’s just our food delivery.” The woman didn’t even seem worried that strangers were in her house. “I can order more if you want to join us. We’re not responsible for having children for a while yet, so we’d love to share with you.”

Jack looked in to her vacant stare. “What do you do all day? How can you support yourselves?”

The girl looked at him like he was speaking a different language. “What do you mean? We watch the news as always. Nothing escapes us. Once we invented the Automata-data system, we had it made. Everything is done for us, and we always know what’s happening.”

Gale looked at Jack. “Well that’s it isn’t it? These people have the brain of an amoeba or even less.” She thought that maybe she should try just once more. “An asteroid about a quarter of the size of your moon, is about a year from smashing into Earth. Who can we talk to in order to help evacuate some of the people?”

The woman’s facial expression never changed with the bad news. You’ll have to go on line to do that, because I’m not a robot! But I can pass on other messages if you like. Did you have anything else for me to tell them?”

Gale smiled, shook her head in disgust, and then just before she called for their transport, she gave the woman her message.

DUCK AND COVER!