There's no money.

“Because there’s no money!” He exclaimed before Ajide could finish her sentence. Ajide had been dreaming for months to do her masters in a foreign country. Her home country had long since lost its life to the corrupt leaders that took pleasure in seeing her rot and Ajide had lost hope in her promised bright future but in a foreign land, Ajide could hope that her life would change, maybe she would start drawing again, maybe for once her genius would be recognized but hearing her father’s voice she was once again reminded of high school when she had applied to several universities and gotten accepted, only for her father could to tell her that she could not go because there was no money even though at the time there was. Now the situation was worse, there really was no money and Ajide knew this, so she had applied for scholarships and expected nothing from anyone but a few loving words here and there. Words like “well done” “good job” “you’re doing great” and when she had come to the conclusion that she would no longer be able to go because none of the scholarship she applied to had sent her a message back, she decided to first tell her dad. She knew he would try to belittle her efforts with his know-it-all attitude, but she hadn’t expected it to hurt the way it did. She tried to quickly hide the look of disappointment on her face because she did not want him to notice she was hurt. She understood there was no money and all through the process, she hadn’t asked anything of him but she believed he was in full support of her and she believed that he wanted her to win.

“It’s easy to get accepted into any university, it’s not because you’re special or exceptionally brilliant, it’s because these schools are all after money”” He continued

“Yeah.” Ajide managed to say followed by a laugh, hoping her voice didn’t give her hurt away, even though she wanted to scream at him.

“Why didn’t you let me go when we had money then?”

“Do you enjoy seeing me go to waste?”

“I could be great. I could be something amazing if I just had an ounce of support for once” She bit her lip and focused on washing the plate she had taken from his table but she said nothing because she knew there was no point. All the money had gone to her elder sister. She would have to work a little harder for everything she wanted.

After washing the dishes, she walked back to the sitting room and smiled just a little longer while he continued speaking though it didn’t matter because he was now avoiding her gaze. Instead he focused on his cup, adjusting the label of the teabag before bringing it out and placing it on the tissue beside his cup, letting the it soak the tea and change from white to a reddish-brown color.

“That’s why I was just watching you. You think everything is going to happen like magic.” He said before taking a sip.

She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes so she cut him short.

“I’m going to take a shower, might step out today”

“Okay, whatever. Just make sure you keep your phone up.” He said and returned his focus to the tv.

Ajide sighed under her breath and escaped to her room. She first looked over each acceptance letter on her Laptop. The first from the university of Leeds then the  imperial college of London then Loughborough university and the last from the university of Bristol.

 “Sure, none of these are Harvard or oxford but I did a great job.” She thought to herself before shutting all tabs as her dad’s voice creeped into her head again.

“BECAUSE THERE’S NO MONEY!”

She winced. “Why couldn’t he just have said sorry?” “Why did he have to say in such a tone as though she was just fooling herself by thinking she could make it in the first place?” she thought to herself as she locked her room door and undressed to get into the shower. Ajide had developed a habit of taking very hot showers whenever she felt like giving up. She had gotten used to her dreams falling short. Not being good enough and constantly failing at achieving her goals at every turn had started to take it’s toll on her and now she couldn’t wash the feelings of disappointment in her life away just by lying down and breathing like she used to. No, now she needed hot almost burning water on her skin to remind her that she was alive and that everything would be okay. She would get another chance someday to do her masters. Her heart felt heavy as she realized that she might never get the chance again. There was nothing to guarantee that if she applied next year, she would be accepted again even if she did get a scholarship. There was also no guarantee that she would get a fully funded scholarship in the first place.

“THERE’S NO MONEY, YOU IDIOT!”

Her father’s words had begun to take a violent shape and before she knew it, she was gasping for air. She was breathing but she felt like she was drowning. She reduced the heat of the water and curled to sit on the floor.

Her silent sobs caused vibrations in her head making her dizzy. She always felt like tears were her nose. Only when she cried in deep moments of anguish did she really feel like she could breathe. After her shower she was exhausted. Exhausted from having tried and failed yet again.

“What is to become of me?”, she said softly to herself as she dried her skin and slipped into her cotton pyjamas.

She slipped into bed, pulling the duvet over head and said under breath before sleeping “Tomorrow will be a great day.”