Doing the Math

It was another one of those rough days. There didn't seem to be any solution. The data was all there, the numbers all made sense. They had gone through the numbers time and time again. Everything seemed to add up. What were they missing? She could feel it though, they were close.

The papers were already heralding it as the breakthrough of humanity. Achieving this goal, her boss would tell her over and over again, would fundamentally change everyone's lives forever. It was a lot of pressure coming in on her on a daily basis. She didn't feel confident many days. She had doubts.

She was the right person for this job? They had her leading it? Many criticized her just for being a woman and she deplored them. But she had done everything right. She set aside many things in her life that she would have otherwise found to be enjoyable. She didn't mind enjoying time with friends, or going out to see movies. But this desire, this project, devoured her. It seemed to consume her little by little, tittle little bites off of a big pie. Just the crust at first, as it nibbled away at the outside before it could get into it, the juicy fleshy bits. The most vulnerable parts.

The little bits were the idea, the implications that the invention would have to humanity as a whole. The idea had not been new of course. But the implementation of it would change everything. The way we think, our culture, our mindset, our art, our visions, our dreams. All would be impacted by it. The idea was to find a source of energy that could not deplete. Something so incredibly efficient and powerful, it could revolutionize the way we get into space and travel throughout it.

A dark matter reactor engine. The blueprints all seemed to add up and all the calculations appeared correct. But when they attempted to run the engine it would not maintain integrity. It would start up but immediately shutdown again. A delicate process that they did not want to antagonize too eagerly, for fear of the impact should it go... terribly wrong. So they had to go back to the drawing board.

She sat at her computer, pondering the possibilities and watching the process running in the background. A supercomputer was analyzing everything and going through many, many scenarios. The numbers leered at her from across her room. Her bookcase on the opposite side of the holoboard was full to the brim on research and books. Who could forget one of the highlights of dark matter study, "Properties of Dark Matter" F. Scholl & C. Berger, 2258. They had first discovered that it truly could be harnessed and materialized for energy. Naturally, many jumped upon the idea and instead of creating any actual results they exploited naive and gullible people. A variety of space industries popped up claiming to do what dark matter did, but simply used more fission engines. It was a huge scandal and somehow even Constantin Berger, a professor of the university of Mars, ended up getting embroiled in the issues as well, having pocketed large amounts of money to say whatever company X or Y were doing was indeed dark matter related. The initial aspects of it, were still valid to Elena. She saw value in as much knowledge as possible.

She scratched her head and leaned back in her chair. "The Development of Intergalactic Travel" Y. Shu et al. 2439 came to mind, and how the implications of the dark matter engine in the greater context of the galaxy. How it could improve the lives of those living on frontier worlds, to no longer have to wait months or even years until support would come due to some system-wide insurgency, or cult. Too often have the "Great Beholders of the Maw" kidnapped scientists and tortured them for their own advances. The genocide was a whole other matter.

"Foundations of Dark Matter" F. Scholl, L. Lee, G. Obanga et al. 2345 was of course her go-to. Lucy Lee was one of her historical idols as she grew up. How she first was an explorer and discovered the Nithascal system which would end up having one of the most bountiful planets the galaxy had ever seen. For humans at least. It's early development as a habitable planet with a heavy focus on plants with a majority of the local animal life being constrained to the water, led them to be able to turn it into a huge food planet. A planet of wheats, barleys, and rices of all types, shapes and forms.

But also classic literature such as "Love in the Great Axe" by Louis Sobor or "To Welt and Wither" by Arnoldo Yokohama. She loved the speech by one of the protagonists that had inspired her to get into science in the first place. It went as follows:

"Ah but you see, Mertock! That is where the issue lies! It is not because we are complicated or dry that we feel we must study, but it is our emotions that are channeled on a different level than yours! We work on a different plane! Our level of emotions are not less valid than yours. These feelings that we feel towards science, space, and the larger than our lives things that exist in the galaxy, are not worth more than yours. These feelings make use cry too. We laugh, we sigh. These are feelings we too feel, when we look into the eyes of a blakc hole to ponder what it may do to us, the future, and those around us. We marvel at the ideas that are spread across realms and dimensions. Our skin gets clammy, our palms sweaty, our knees heavy, when we notice the implications of what we discovered. Of the possibilities that come within it's range. It is then that-"

A knock came on the door. Elena sighed and pushed herself up in her chair and throwing back her unkempt and five week old, very unwashed hair. Her odor was comparable to that of what could simply describe as "ramen". Some of her colleagues ventured that it must be something else in the ramen that kept her alive. "Come in," she muttered, annoyed that her daydream had been interrupted. She could see clearly how Yuri, the protagonist, was standing upright looking out of a window with great compassion as he spoke out his words.

"Hey Elena, how are you?" Alicia chimed in from the doorway, daring not to venture too far in.

"Busy." Elena muttered, and leaned forward with her chin resting on her hand. "Why?" She asked, feigning boredom to get Alicia to go away faster.

"Oh we were going to have some donuts. Care to join us?" Alicia smiled.

Elena leaned back in the chair and turned her chair slightly, looking out the window. She had tried so long for this to work. So many tries, so many calculations. So many grants she had to fight for to get approval. So many things she had missed out on. Elmer left her not because he had fallen in love with another woman, but because she had not ever shown him the love she felt for him. But that love was different. It was a love of familiarity. It was not one of great passion, but bound by consistency and a certain reliance. She was in love with her work, this was clear to her. But the pain of losing him in her life still stung. It was love, but it was different. It was her love.

"No, I don't think I will come." She felt she did not deserve to enjoy donuts, or even the presence of her colleagues. She did not deserve it until she found the solution, came to the end that she had been searching for, longing for. So long. So, so long.

"Ok Elena, hope you join next time! Oh and, open a windoooow." Alicia cheerily added as she walked away, the door still open. Elena sighed and got up to go close it. As she walked to the door it dawned upon her. The donut. The shape of the donut. That... could that solve it? She slammed the door shut and ran to the computer. She hammered in the necessary calculations, of such a complexity that, reader, I must admit I would not be able to convey their complexity sufficiently without dedicating an entire chapter to it by itself. However, once what she had written was done she stared at it. Her heart beat faster. She laughed and smiled as she spun around in her chair, yet still incredulous. Could this have been it? Would this be all?

She began to send over the calculations to the supercomputer. It was in the queue. One last attempt she figured could change everything. Then, she knew, she would get what she deserved. Recognition. Friends. Happiness. Release from this idea that followed her with every dream. The data was being calculated and she stood up from her chair and faced the window. Outside there were other scientists walking around, chatting as they followed the criss-crossing pathways that surrounded the research complex. The wind was blowing lightly as she could see, and the hair of one of the women flowed gently with it. Behind her was a pale red-pink sky that had wistful clouds mingling higher up. It was a beautiful day, and she was in here. A pinging sound came from behind her, the calculation was successfully completed. But was it completely successful? She closed her eyes and smiled. It was indeed a beautiful day.