Pain of Remembrance

Every June is when I have my hardest times. It's when I’m forced to remember the past. It’s when I really sit and think about her. She never really leaves my mind, but the pain becomes worse on the long June nights. Ava. That was her name. I’d known her since high school. I remembered the first time I saw her. She was smiling with a group of girls. She was looking at me, but I pretended not to notice. She had the most beautiful blue-grey eyes and long blonde hair. We had started dating our senior year. We lasted all through college, and had just had our graduation party. 

Ava was the love of my life. I had never known true happiness until I met her. Not only was she beautiful, but she was good too. She was the kindest person you’d ever meet, and if you needed anything, she’d drop what she was doing to make sure you got it. That's why I fell so hard for her. That's also why I know I’ll never love so greatly again. The night of that party, I had a ring in my pocket. I proposed under the campus willow tree. It was our favorite spot, so I knew it was perfect. It seemed magical the way it was decorated with fairy lights. She said yes. I remember feeling like the luckiest person alive after that. Who all could say they got to be with their soulmate? The lights shined down on her making her appear even more beautiful. She looked like a princess in that little yellow dress. 

She was so happy, showing off the ring to all of our friends. And I was happy too because I was the one who put a smile on her face. Everyone agreed we were meant to be. They all knew that Ava and I were the real thing. We left the party relatively early. We wanted to go home and settle down as newly engaged fiances. I couldn’t stop smiling and looking over at her during our drive.

She was singing along to our favorite CD. Her voice went perfectly with the melody of the lead singer. I remember joining in and singing along with her.The smell of her floral perfume filled the car. I looked over and laughed with her as the song ended. Then she looked ahead and gasped. I turned around and saw headlights heading straight towards us. I swerved, and we went off the road, crashing into a huge oak tree. I felt a few shards of glass scrape my face and felt the warm trickle of blood flow down.

I opened my eyes and at first I couldn’t figure out what happened or where I was. Then I saw the tree, and the shape my car was in.

“Ava! Ava are you okay?” I asked, looking towards her. She didn’t respond. Instead she made a strange gasping sound. She looked like she was having a hard time breathing. I tried to move closer to her, but my legs were pinned by the dashboard, which was now in my lap. I looked back to her and then I really saw. I saw the huge tree branch that had come through the windshield. My eyes followed it, and I saw it was also sticking out of Ava’s stomach. Her dress was now red. Her face was covered in cuts and scrapes. I could see she was crying. She opened her mouth, and blood poured out. I panicked, and tried to get loose. I struggled and struggled, but I couldn’t get free. My legs ached badly. Tears were streaming down her face, mixing with the blood. I could feel hot tears on my face too. I heard sirens in the distance. Help was coming. Would they get to us in time?

I looked back at Ava again, but she was looking out the window, past me. She had an unfocused look in her eyes, and they were more grey than blue now. 

“Ava, I’m so sorry! I love you!” I screamed out. I knew she was dying, and I couldn’t help her. Instead I had to watch my whole life die out right before my eyes. As the sirens grew closer, I no longer heard the gasping sound. I saw her chest wasn’t moving anymore either. I felt firefighters and paramedics start pulling on me. I don’t remember much about that. They later told me I was in a daze when they pulled me out.

I woke up in the hospital, and even though I knew the answer, I asked, 

“Ava-” my voice trailed off when I saw the nurse shake her head. She also had tears in her eyes. I remember crying for a while. Actually, I cried everyday after that.

That was 15 years ago. Since then, I haven’t gotten behind the wheel of a car again. For the first six months after the wreck, I spent all my days and nights drinking, hoping to ease the pain. I was always fighting, and when I had to spend a few weeks in the county jail, I decided to get help. Depression is a difficult force to deal with. Pair that with isolated drinking, it's worse. I saw a grief counselor. She told me I needed to forgive myself. Her advice has really motivated me.

Now, I have a semi-normal life. I never really dated seriously, because I knew I’d never feel the way I had with Ava. I still miss her, and I would love to have just one more day with her. And every June, I look through my little box of memories, and wish I’d have been the one who died that day instead of her. Some days, I truly feel like I have no will to go on without her, and those are the days I yearn for her the most. Every time I see someone who resembles her, I feel a pull in my heart, but I know it would never be her.