Sweaty Strangers

Research gyms in the area.

Become overwhelmed by amenities.

Check budget.

Make spreadsheet.

What’s the point of a sauna?

Look up purpose of a sauna.

Socialize with sweaty strangers in a hot box? No.

Massage chairs? Yes. 

Hot tub? Yes.

Pool? No.

Realize pool and hot tub are a package deal.

Fine. Yes to the pool.

Classes? Not a chance.

Wait, included with membership.

Analyze spreadsheet and pick a favorite.

Work up courage to visit the gym. 

Make excuses not to go.

Realize everyone in the photos looks on-trend and fit. 

Question how Gen Z works out in those chunky-soled shoes. 

Begin to question if this is the gym for you.

Check New Years special.

Double check budget. 

Understand this deal is too good to pass up.

Appreciate the excellence of the marketing team at creating a sense of urgency.

Fret.

Search fitness outfits.

Become bombarded by fitness models in spandex and chunky-soled tennis shoes. 

Minimize browser.

Check closet. 

Try on spandex from college.

Get a slight workout from trying to wiggle into them.

Feel the burn. 

Realize the burn is the waistband attempting to cut you in half. 

Sigh. 

Peel spandex off. 

Maximize browser. 

Search “gym clothes not spandex”

Track suits and tube socks everywhere.

Wonder what decade it is.

Digress and be thankful everything isn’t spandex. 

Realize you live just outside of the same-day delivery radius.

Decide to shop in public on your lunch break.

Audibly gulp.

You work from home. 

You’ve forgotten how to be in public.

——————————————————————

Travel to nearest sporting goods store. 

Find clothing section.

Avoid eye contact with workers.  

Squint at the vibrancy of the neon spandex.

While shielding your eyes, you accidentally make eye contact with an apparel associate. 

“Can I help you find something?”

Stammer. 

Finally articulate that you need gym clothes.

Play follow the leader past countless track suits.

Smile and nod when she asks if this is what you had in mind, knowing you will purchase exactly zero track suits today. 

Once she leaves, take stock of your surroundings.

Find a table of t-shirts with more colors than you knew existed. 

Touch the delightfully soft shirts. 

Realize your mistake. 

Stand frozen in indecision over which color to choose. 

Pick up three shirts. 

Check the price. 

Suddenly, one color is less appealing. Put it back.

Find shorts.

Wonder why all the shorts have less material than your underwear. 

Find the apparel associate from earlier. 

Ask if there are any full length bottoms available. 

Try not to smirk when she points you to spandex leggings..

Find black leggings that are your current size instead of your college size. 

Politely decline the “belt bag” that she offers, knowing that it is just a fanny pack oddly worn as a crossbody.

Consider asking about shoes but realize they will have to wait until next payday.

Breathe a small sigh of relief that you are nearly done and head for the self checkout. 

Internally cringe that the self checkout is broken and brace yourself for small talk with the cashier.

“Are you turning over a new leaf?”

“Yeah, kinda. It’s actually the same leaf from last year.”

Stand in disbelief for a moment as he laughs and says, “Same here.”

Did you just elicit a genuine laugh from another human? 

Shake it off. Remember that can’t be true because you’re socially awkward. 

Fight the urge to add a Snickers to your total.

Grab your bag and march triumphantly to the car. 

Realize it’s late afternoon and you haven’t eaten today. 

Hit the conveniently located Taco Bell on your way home. 

Old habits die hard, like that Christmas movie you recently watched. 

Change into your new clothes and send off a few emails to finish off your work day.

Accidentally attach your gym comparison spreadsheet instead of the daily log. 

Send off more emails to apologize profusely and attach the correct spreadsheet. 

Feel like an idiot. 

Clock out. 

Start getting stomach cramps and wonder if it’s anxiety about the embarrassing emails or the impending embarrassment at the gym. 

Or the Gordita crunch.

——————————————————————

Sit in the gym parking lot as you mull over your last chance to turn back.

Restart excuse-making. 

You could save a lot of money by working out at home. 

Remember attempting to work out at home with free YouTube videos last year was fruitless. 

You could subscribe to an online class this time. 

Remember what Mom said over Christmas dinner. 

“To live virtually is to live vicariously.”

Sigh. 

Know Mom is right. 

Decide to financially invest in your health, and commit to leave your house on a regular basis. 

Check your watch notification. 

Your heart rate has been elevated for the past 10 minutes. 

Take slow, deep breaths until your pulse is no longer audible. 

Open the car door. 

Place one foot in front of the other.

Wince as you walk through the door. 

Feel the nausea from the dread begin to subside as you notice the energized atmosphere inside the gym. 

Scarcely resist the urge to dance to the music.

Notice the smiling attendant at the desk.

“Are you new here?”

Smile and nod for the second time today. 

Take a tour of the facility with the happy stranger. 

Notice other happy strangers around the gym. 

Take the folder you’re handed. It contains a copy of the class schedule. 

Listen with feigned interest as she recommends her favorites. 

Listen with actual interest when she points out the class she teaches tomorrow. 

She’s new at teaching and asks if you’ll please come. 

More smiling and nodding. 

But this time, you feel happy, too.

Receive a free, try-it-out week for signing up in person.

Feel even happier. 

Ask a couple questions about the equipment.

Take the attendant up on her suggestion to start on cardio today.

Feel encouraged by thumbs-up from passersby while you’re walking on the treadmill.

Wipe the sweat of accomplishment off your face when you’re done. 

And off the equipment because you’re a good gym mate. 

Realize the gym is just hanging out with happy, sweaty strangers in a gigantic, hot box. 

Upgrade to sauna package.