Thimbleful of Light

Very little light poured down into the stairwell that went on forever. Only the thinnest slice of a sliver of light. A light that faded in the manner of a sketch, transitioning into a deep space like atmosphere. Dark, damp, dank, and dismal. Down, down, down, down into the basement where shadows breathe on their own. Deep into the dark where everything terrifying took up residence! 

His little mind stood chilled as his tiny eyes struggled to see. Those bright eyes tried their hardest to gather up all the light there was. Which barely measured up to slightly under a single thimbleful. He squinted hard with the idea that he could keep more of the light for when he got down to the bottom.

As oddly as the idea presented itself, his little heart was determined to carry out his mission. ‘What is bravery?’, a thought that flooded into his mind. Nestling itself into all the spaces he had to fill.

 He recalled a couple months ago when he had decided school wasn’t for him and he wouldn’t even look at the school bus when it came to collect him come Monday morning. He remembered interrupting his dad as he was working on a story. 

“Daddy, I’m done with school and that’s that, “he said with his arms folded with as much matter-of-factness as a 10-year-old could muster, even though he was just 7.

‘’Well, what has brought you to that conclusion?” his father asked with the calmest sense of curiosity as he looked at his pride and joy quizzically.

“I’ve had it up to my ears with kids picking on me,” the young boy replied, stiff lipped and quoting his favorite adage from his pop-pop.

“Do you stand up for yourself? “

The boy thought for a while then replied looking down at his feet bashfully.

“I’d like to stand up for myself daddy but, I kind of, like… uhm, don’t know how.”

His father raised his little face up gently by lifting his chin to look him in his eyes, hoping to convey this dire life hack with love and reassurance.

“Well…first son, “he began, “you got to be brave! “

“What’s that mean?” he asked, his face just as curious as his fathers’ earlier.

“Being brave is when you do what you must even when you are scared, “His father replied with such a matter-of-fact nature that he considered at least looking at the bus when it came Monday. His father’s words and presence began to work their magic to give him the confidence he needed to face the world.

“You remember when you were afraid to slide down the big slide –. “

“You mean the giantess slide in the world!!!” the boy cut in encouraging laughter from the pair.

“Yes, the most gigantic slide known to modern mankind!” he said with a hint of sarcasm while holding his sides. “Well after your cousin did it you were brave, and you did it and smiled and yipped and yeehaw’d the rest of the day on that slide …. I distinctly remember you crying when it was time to go that day because you were having so much fun.”

“Your memory is stinky daddy,” the little boy said with mock offense “because I never cry.”

“Wooooww! You know I have a video to prove otherwise. “

“Probably a deep fake. “

“You hang with your uncle far too much. “He said, shaking his head and wiping tears from his eyes. They laughed together for a while as he tickled his son.

“All jokes aside, “he continued “You chose bravery over your fear and overcame it, turning a frightening situation into the best time of your life!”

“But, daddy, the kids at school aren’t giant slides,” he acknowledged somberly.

“I understand that son, but they are giant obstacles and bravery always works the same with obstacles.”

“Bravery is the conqueror of fear!” His father finished before rustling his hair and going back to writing on his laptop.

Thinking of his father brought tears to his eyes. He missed him so much. He promised he would continue to be brave and to help take care of mommy. Right now, mommy needed him and he in his youthful determination decided he wasn’t prepared to let his father down.

“Bravery conquers fear!” he mantra’d to himself as he began his descent. Down the stairs that went on forever, into the dark towards his dismal destination. And the funny thing about bravery is that with each ounce of it you show the more it multiplies until you’re afraid of nothing!

He took that thimbleful of light in his eyes and shined it all the way into his heart. The light washed over the thimbleful of bravery his father had instilled in him, and with each step the bravery grew and grew and grew. As the bravery grew it reacted with the light making it brighter and brighter still until it filled all the spaces around him.

He stepped off the last stair and felt the light rush from his eyes and the bravery beginning to evaporate as he was face to face with the boogie man! Tall and slender and peering at him with beady eyes! He stood with an evil grin dressed in bloody military fatigues. With a tattered flag draped over his shoulder. He was not speaking, just an ominous presence that threatened to steal all the little boy’s movement and render him frozen in the dark forever. From a distant place in the basement or his mind; he couldn’t be sure which came the resonating timbre of his father’s voice!

“Bravery is the conqueror of fear!” it boomed inside his brain!

With the last ounce of bravery left he lunged past the menacing beast and flipped on the light switch. His smile spread wide across his face as the light transformed the boogie man into an old coat hanging from a mop. Nothing to fear there. Well, nothing to fear there as long his mom didn’t want to have a “little conversation” about cleaning the kitchen.

He grabbed what he came to get for mom and then suddenly, the stairs were replaced with a slide. The most gigantic slide in the world and his dad is at the bottom smiling from ear to ear, so happy that he’s being brave and never giving up. Elated that he’s fighting to hold onto the light. He misses his dad so much. He sits on the slide in his mind and as he goes down, the mantra is going “bravery is the conqueror of fear!"

“Daddy! do you see me daddy, do you see me?!” he exclaimed with joy.

“Daddy!” he hears in the distance as his dad fades away, along with the slide.

“Daddy, wake up!”

He feels his body being shaken gently.

He opens his eyes to see his father’s eyes, only they were a lot younger and brighter and accompanied by the brightest smile the world has ever known. He smiled at his daughter as he struggled to hold on to the dream, especially his father’s smiling face at the bottom of the slide.

But it all faded. It always did. His father’s face, the slide, the stairs that never ceased. It all ebbed until extinguished, save for the feeling of longing. He could no longer remember what he was getting for his mother even. All that was left was just the deep empty space where more memories of his father should be ….

He was now looking at his baby. Her eyes are a gift from his father. Other than that, and hair color she looked more like her mother. Lucky for her he liked to say.

“Are you hungry, baby?” he asked, yawning and stretching.

“Nope!’ she smiled “I’m just an alarm clock right now. “

“I’ve never had such a pretty alarm clock,” he said smiling, “what did you eat?”

“Thank you!!! “She replied to his compliment then “I had cereal…and now it’s time for you to get up so we won’t be late!”

It was her first day of gymnastics and she was ready, ready, ready!!! He swung his feet out of the covers and stood up. He looked at the actual alarm clock that he had apparently slept through. Maybe he forgot to set it, things had been hectic mentally since his wife had been away. Then he noticed what happened and grinned. It was only 8 a.m. someone had jumped the gun. He looked down at her with a deadpan expression and faux vexation before breaking into a hearty chuckle.

“Baby,” he started, “do you realize what time it is?”

“Yes, I do “she said with a sheepish grin because of course she hadn’t looked at the clock whatsoever until now. “I wanted to give you time to get ready and eat – “

“How much time do you think I need?” he asked laughing because class didn’t start until 11 am and they lived a literal mile from the gym. 

“Welllllll-” l, the girl started.

“Well how about you just mosey on out of here while I get ready" he ushered her to the door.

“Since I’m up I’ll come watch Popcorn Buttercups with you before we go.”

She yelped and gave him a huge hug before running off towards the stairs.

“Stop running in the house! “He hollered after her, a command she ignored while throwing back over her shoulder.

“Ok daddy “ 

He shook his head and shut the door heading to the shower. The familiar tears swelled up in his eyes as the water hit his face. They often did in the mornings waking up to a half empty bed. Every day was a struggle. Like needing to go into the basement over and over. That feeling that only darkness lay waiting at the end of his journey loomed at the corners of his mind. Memories of his father flooded his mind and the last time he saw him. Not even a whole year after he learned about bravery did his father get drafted.

 A few weeks later he was getting letters about bootcamp that his mother would help him read and reply to. The letters from boot camp turned into letters from overseas, then the letters stopped. One day while he was waiting in the window for the mailman, he saw a black car pull up to the curb and stop. Two men in uniform got out and began walking up to the house. Maybe they would have word from his father he remembered thinking as he ran to get his mom and inform her of the good news.

But it wasn’t good news. It was news no one should ever have to receive being so small. He still can remember his mom sinking to the floor as the men tried to give her a flag. He understood then he would never see his father again. The sun was ripped from his sky, and rain poured for years. The dreams came shortly after that, varying in frequency and intensity until eventually subsided and would only surface when he was stressed out and nervous about life.

Times like before a big promotion opportunity, before his wedding day, when his daughter was close to being born. And now every day since his wife was in the hospital. Life was just huge and heavy and understanding how to successfully mitigate with all the weight sometimes was terrifying. He let the tears come and wash down the drain where they would disappear forever.

He threw on his outfit and headed down to watch his daughter’s favorite morning cartoon with her before they had to get headed to gymnastics. After the class they would go visit her mother who was recovering from complications from a surgery that ultimately saved her life. She had told him as he clutched her hand at her bedside after she came to that she had fought to stay here even though it was dark. Her strength was generated through their daughter’s sweet smile and bright eyes, they were her thimbleful of light that brought her through.

That resonated with him so deeply. It was giving him strength right now. They finished the program and decided to walk to her gymnastics since they still had a good 30 min before it was scheduled to start. They strolled lazily hand in hand in the warm sun with a cool breeze easing the early morning heat of a southern august. They talked about this and that but as they got closer to the gym, she got quiet and began walking a bit slower.

“What’s wrong baby?’ he questioned, feeling her energy change.

“I’m a little scared’ ……...” what if I’m no good- “

“Well baby, it’s okay to feel scared at times but you got to be brave! “

‘What’s that mean?” her little face just as curious as his all those years ago when he looked into his father’s eyes for courage.

He smiled at his baby girl, realizing that for no other reason in the world he had learned his mantra and had been brave his whole life just for this moment. He couldn’t think of a better reason to cultivate life lessons than to pass them down and onward by instilling them into his precious thimbleful of light!

“Bravery is the conqueror of fears!” he began as they climbed the few steps and entered the gym.

THE END