Breakfast is Ready

“Breakfast is ready”

Susan had been lying awake in bed for half an hour after she felt his heat leave from beside her. Her heart began to quicken until she heard the sounds of firewood being cut outside their cabin. She became nervous again when the sound disappeared, only to be relieved when she then smelled bacon cooking downstairs.

“Here I come!” she yelled back.

She grabbed her robe and began down the stairs, gripping the handrail for support. Glancing down at her hand, holding tightly onto the rail, she immediately let go and descended the stairs trying to imitate a younger woman. Ending her performance with a little bounce she immediately regretted her skin felt the heat from the fire her husband had started for her. Then her eyes landed on the food waiting on the table for her.

She knew he was trying. She was trying as well. She wasn’t happy with herself for what she had done either. No one wants to admit they’d hired a private investigator, or that they stole their husbands phone to install spyware on it. Of course, she wasn’t proud that she still hadn’t told him about it, but he had cheated, and neither of them knew how to bring it up.

    According to him, this weekend getaway was to makeup for missing their anniversary for a business trip. To her, that was stupid. Why would he apologize in such a grandiose way, for something that was out of their control? They didn’t do anything extra special on their anniversaries for years they just went to dinner with their children. No. He felt guilty, as he should, because his trip was not strictly business.

    “Thank you for making breakfast Kevin, I really appreciate it.”

He didn’t reply. Out of guilt,he never replied when she said thank you. She was glad he felt bad, but she hated that she knew why. She wished she could believe he did this out of the kindness of his heart, she wished he wasn’t being guilted into loving her.

    As they ate and made small talk, her eyes drifted around the cabin they were in. He had proposed to her in a cabin like this. Afterward, they walked through the woods and carved their names into a tree, like teenagers. Kevin + Susan 4ever. She was happy with him. She didn’t doubt herself when she was with him. It wasn’t until recently she had ever been unhappy with him. He was the same funny guy he had always been. He was still passionate and enchanting. He still made her laugh until she cried. Only now, she began to wonder if he had told that joke to anyone else before her. That was the part she hated the most. Her confidence was broken. She couldn’t see herself as being more important than his other woman. The other woman was, of course, a younger co worker of his. Susan was also mad that she had become a cliche.

On their anniversary, Susan sat at home with a bottle of wine, and watched TV. Ignoring the Facebook statuses of her children and friends wishing her and Kevin a happy anniversary. She decided, in her tipsy state, to check the messages from Kevin’s phone despite the fact that she knew he was with the other woman. On the third time she checked, there was finally a development. She had called him 5 times by 6:05 pm where they were. She then began to text rapidly. Cursing at him and wishing she’d never met him. He had broken it off and told her the truth.

By the end of the night, Susan had gathered a lot more information than she had ever expected. Her husband had told his coworker he was getting divorced. She hated this part as well, Susan had lost her reason to hate his other woman and had to admit this situation was solely the fault of her husband.

Susan let her mind return to the winter cabin she was in. Outside it was snowing and beautiful. An ugly thought crossed her mind. What if Kevin brought her here to fall back in love with her again. Not to makeup for the time he shared with someone else, but to try and recreate the magic of when they fell in love, to prove to himself he made the correct decision. He hasn't blocked the woman, but Susan only knew that because she was still checking the spyware. Did he know that she knew? Was this an act to trick her? She suddenly felt as if she was being tested. Could he do that? Would he do that? Maybe she should be a little more conversational, or appreciative so he would want to stay. She began to question if she wanted him to stay, if she wanted to remain married. She began to question if she still loved him and if she could trust him again.

“Susan, are you okay?” Kevin had noticed her staring off into the distance.

Snapping back to focus on her plate, she noticed she’d barely eaten anything. And the minute hand had barely ticked forward on the clock. Her mind had been racing ever since she woke up that morning, questioning everything about her trip. Suddenly, she realized she couldn't answer any of the questions she had, not unless she told Kevin the truth.

    “Kevin,” she started slowly “I know.”

    “Know?” Kevin replied with slow confusion.

    “Kevin, I know you were cheating on me. And I know it was with a coworker and I know that you apparently ended it on our anniversary and I know you told her you were divorced and I hate that you did that. I hate that I am insecure because of it ,and I hate that I hired a PI and I hate that I’ve been spying on your phone and I hate that this trip wasn't out of the goodness of your heart and I hate that I can’t get it out of my head and I can’t enjoy breakfast and I hate that you weren’t going to tell me,” Susan began crying “I hate that I don’t know if I hate you, Kevin.”

The only sounds being made were of Susan’s rapidly suspiding whimpers. After a few more moments, Susan wiped her eyes and tried to think of something to say, but her mind was empty. For the first time, since she became suspicious of the affair, questions weren’t viciously whipping through her mind. She looked back at her plate and realized she was, of all things, hungry. She took a bite of bacon and it tasted amazing. Her mind became focused on enjoying her breakfast. Susan picked up her knife and cut into her pancakes, thankful that her thoughts had shifted focus. Thankful that she could, for even a moment, be in the presence of her husband and not focus on him. This moment was about her need, and desire, to eat.

Kevin was still silent, but it didn’t matter. Susan knew that once she finished enjoying breakfast, she would begin to think about her next steps. Not theirs.