Thirst for Courage

An ominous metal rattle swiftly followed by the alarming loss of peddling control forced me to stop by the side of the road. Silently cursing my rusty old bike as I dismounted and looked at the chain. It was loose and off the gears, dangling unhelpfully. I took a deep breath to try and gather my thoughts to solve the problem, but they eluded my attempt at calm, stirring around like a hoard of sugar-high kids. Sighing hopelessly, I sat down on the scorching ground, idly peeling off some of the rusted yellow paint on my bike.

My old phone had self destructed from the heat. I couldn’t blame it. My favorite T-shirt and shorts were drenched in sweat, and now by thirsty dust and dirt particles sticking to it as I sat by the roadside, waiting for a solution to pop up out of nowhere.

Just the thought of asking a passing car for help made me dizzy and my heart made that familiar twist. Not only had Mom taught me about Stranger-Danger when I was little, but it would involve talking to someone I didn’t know. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up in protest of the sheer crazy idea of socializing. As a 16 year old - now stranded - girl, I figured it’s best to stay away from random strangers in cars either way.

The sun stood high on the vast pale blue sky. Not a cloud could be seen on the horizon so far away. I’d been on my way home from my grandparents when my unstable bike finally gave up. They lived in a little house in the woods a few miles from home. I really liked it there; the bird songs from the forest and the way the sun lit up the leaves with its warm golden rays in the summer. And best of all: no other people. We’d taken a swim by a small secret beach hidden by the trees so we could be alone. Just us three in the refreshingly cool water, away from any screaming kids or frighteningly social people. Away from the world.

I really wished I was still there right now. Not stranded on the side of a dusty road. And I definitely shouldn’t have left at noon, when the sun was at its highest point. But no, of course I had to bike home in over 100 degrees Fahrenheit. I sighed. It’s easy to see things in hindsight.

I sat there, defeated on the ground for a few moments before the sun’s merciless rays became too much. I wanted a big cold glass of water, but most of all, I wanted to go home. It’d take a long time if I walked the rest of the way. Mom was probably going to get worried that I haven’t come home yet. But just sitting here by the scorching roadside didn’t solve anything. So all I could do was to start walking.

Eventually I’d get there. Hopefully.

I lead my oh so treacherous bike by my side, following the gravel road. I hated the sticky feeling of sweat on my skin. I wasn’t a fan of anything on my skin. That regrettably included sunscreen, so I was already burned and sore all over.

At least I knew the way home. I tried to think positive thoughts, but my words felt hollow.

It was somewhat difficult to admire the vividly colored flower meadow on the other side of the road, arrays of bright purple and red flowers contrasting with the long green grass. Being forced to walk a long way under the pressing heat of the sun had a joy-draining effect.

A car drove past, summer music on full blast and windows down. I startled at how close it passed me, leaving a big cloud of dust in its wake. Rude. I tried to hold my breath and wait it out, but failed. There were barely any fanning ocean breeze coming in from the beach to my right side, just beneath the small grassy slope the road lay outstretched on top of.

Anger bubbled up inside me; at the insensitive driver, my damn bike and the taunting sun. It wasn’t helping my situation. Quite the opposite, so I did my best to push it deep down. I could throw a tantrum at home, not here, risking anyone asking if I was okay.

I stopped and coughed for a moment, eyes closed until the dust finally settled back on the ground. Some happy shouts and splashes could be heard up ahead from some people swimming and jumping off the bathing dock.

My heart made that weird twist, sending out a small dose of adrenaline that set my blood on fire for a fraction of a second. I was used to it. Almost every time I saw someone. I took a shaky breath and kept my head down, walking in a little quicker pace than before. My guess was that when I saw someone, I subconsciously ran all the bad scenarios and insecurities through my head, too fast for me to really grasp them but enough to make my brain think: “Uh oh! Danger! Danger! Avoid!” Even thought there usually wasn’t any danger. Not physical anyway. The danger of awkward interactions or saying the wrong thing, sure.

My mouth felt as dry as the dusty gravel road under my hurting feet. Not only because there were people close by, but I was dehydrated and exhausted. I struggled to keep my eyes open to the blinding sun and my feet were as heavy as if I was wearing horseshoes.

I wasn’t going to make it all the way home like this.

About a hundred yards up ahead there should be a gas station and a parking with a path down to the beach. I think I could see it in the distance, slightly distorted by the heat rising from the ground. I could get some water there.

I tried to rehearse the conversation I would need to have at the gas station. Though I wasn’t sure what to say. As usual. Dread rising with every heavy step on the way.

Eventually I reached it, still unprepared. I wanted a script; something to follow. But since I didn't know the person. I couldn't know what they're gonna say, so I'd have to make up a script as I...talked, interacting with the changing conversation and giving the right responses to what the person in question was saying. How do people do this?

My heart twisted again, for a split second setting my veins on fire. I parked my bike beside the entrance with shaky hands. I hesitated, heart racing. What am I thinking? I can’t do this. Exhaustion weighed me down at the thought of walking the rest of the way home without drinking any water.

Digging up the motivation to go inside, I opened the door only to be mortified by a loud ding, announcing my entry. It put me off since I hadn’t anticipated it, heart drumming in alarm. That wasn't in my script! I managed to gather myself a bit, relishing in the chilly air of the the AC before a short lady walked in behind the counter not too far away, making my heart do that burning twist.

“Hello! Hot today, isn’t it? Must be a record.” She smiled, a few drops of sweat glistering on her forehead. She looked me up and down, making me more nervous and heart drumming faster. “You okay?” She asked, eyeing me with concern.

I swallowed and took a shaky breath, trying to figure out what to say. I should greet her. That seemed like the polite thing to do, but I faltered, unable to get out the words. Dad had always encouraged me to be social. I’d always hated to disappoint him. But today, I was going to make him proud, even though he might not be here anymore to see it. I knew it’d be easier if I didn’t see the person and just pretended to talk to myself, so I closed my eyes, gathering courage I didn’t know I had.

“Hi. Could, I, get, some, water, please.” I said, heart slamming against my ribs like an animal stuck in a cage, desperate to get out, to run away. I’d said it! Sure, it came out sounding a little like a robot, but it came out! That wasn't so bad! My heart suddenly skipped a beat as I remembered something. “I don’t have any money.” I quickly added, terrified about a miscommunication. I’m on fire today! Sure felt like it.

The lady looked at me for a moment. Doubt seeped into my mind, savagely extinguishing the joy I’d felt just moments before. Of course she wasn’t going to give me it for free! What am I thinking?! Quickly beginning to spiral into doubts and panic, my throat closed shut as if a noose tightened a deadly grip around it, cutting of my air supply and making my vision blurry at the edges. I couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. I need to get out of here. But my legs wouldn't move.

The lady sighed, then gave me a warm smile. “Sure honey, just don’t tell anyone I gave it to you for free.” She winked at me before getting out a bottle of water from a refrigerator behind the counter. “You gotta stay hydrated in this heat.“ She said handing it to me.

The invisible noose around my neck loosened, providing a clear path to my screaming lungs. I jumped at the relief and calm like it was my only life raft. Taking a deep breath before I eagerly took the bottle, chugging down big gulps of clean cold water. It was so refreshing, I might as well have downed an energy drink.

“You sure you’re okay?“ The lady asked, eyes following the drops of water running down my chin as I drained half the bottle without stopping once. The cold settled somewhere in deep in my stomach, cooling me from the inside out.

“Chain jumped.” I panted, glancing at my bike, visible through the window. I felt better after the cold water, but began to feel the nervousness creeping up on me again as I wiped away the water droplets from my chin. My impaired social battery was swiftly draining, like a stabbed bag of sand.

“Oh, do you need help? I know how to fix it.” The lady offered. I nodded, feeling a weight lift from my chest at the realization that I wouldn’t have to walk home. If I would've liked hugs, I'd have given her a big enough hug to make Mom jealous. I took another swig of the almost empty water bottle before following her out.

The nice lady showed me how to put the chain back in its place. I tried to memorize how she did, but for safety, I made a mental note to watch a YouTube tutorial when I made it home. I managed a thankful nod before I was off again. I considered taking a dip by the beach, just to cool off, but decided against it. One social event today was already more than enough. Best to stop on top.

Despite the smoldering heat and pressing sun, I couldn’t help a big smile the rest of the way home, the wind of the speed caressing my sunburned face. Dad would’ve been proud of me today. I was proud of me. I'd asked someone I didn't know for water, and I'd gotten it! Without running out or panicking externally. That was a clear win! I so wish I could tell him what I did today. To tell him a lot of things. A familiar pang of grief hit me in the gut, dampening my small victory. At least I still had Mom to tell.

I parked my now functional bike by the side entrance of our house.

“Amanda? It that you?” My mom asked as I entered.

“Yeah, sorry I’m late.” I answered, as Mom came into the kitchen with a bowl of strawberries from the garden. “My bike broke down.” I explained.

“Oh gosh, are you okay?” She asked, looking at my sweat and dirt-stained clothes, hastily putting down the bowl.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I grinned, taking a strawberry.

“Didn’t expect you to be happy.” She said, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I’m not. But…” I said, biting into the sweet strawberry as Mom looked at me expectantly. “I was social today!”

“What?! Really?” Mom exclaimed, throwing up her hands as a big smile spread across her face. “That’s great sweetie! Tell me everything!”

Pride swelled in my chest as I told her all about my adventure. She always got so happy at my little victories, going on and on about how to celebrate.

For some people, it might not have been a big deal. But for me, it was a five scoops ice cream worthy achievement. And maybe, just maybe, in a few days, when I’d charged up my social battery, I could go back and say thank you to that kind lady.