Lost in Lima

The sharp iron taste alerted her that continued nipping at her fingernails had ripped loose a hangnail. She returned the bleeding digit to her lap and continued to wait, staring at the beachscape painted on the wall as she bounced her sneakered foot on the floor. The big Kahuna had summoned her, and since she’d only met him once when she interviewed for the job, she figured it couldn’t be good news. His voice, thick with an unknown accent and pitched unusually high on the register, grated on her nerves as she listened to his muffled telephone conversation. She jumped when the door screeched open on sticky hinges.

“Ms. Baker.” The man summoned, nodding towards the office beyond.

“Hi there.” Saja responded as she licked her dry lips with an even drier tongue. She rose to follow him, and sat in the obvious chair that faced his, across a disheveled desk.

“I’ll get right to the point. You’ve been here for nine months, most of that working night shift. Yesterday it came to our attention there was an incident involving our youngest resident, under your supervision at the time as I understand it.” He paused.

“I guess so Mr. Kelly.”

“You guess so? The shift supervisor wrote it up, as you know, so what else would you call an assault of a nine year old?”

“You know I normally work nights, and we don’t have the same access to files as the day shifters, since the office is closed. Nobody told me DeAndre bullied. Of course I wouldn’t have let them use the bathroom together, but I was trying to save time. Arty just had to brush his teeth, that’s all, and DeAndre was drying his hair. Everyone would’ve been late to school otherwise.”

“Your coworker Mark said he heard Arturio yelling and when he checked on them, DeAndre was on the verge of giving him a swirly. Can you imagine what kind of lawsuit we would’ve had on our hands if the kid had been injured?”

“I’m sorry, like I said, I didn’t know.”

“I’m sorry too Ms. Baker, but as of now you’re terminated. We need staffers with good judgement, and between this incident and your previous behavior, we’re letting you go. Your final check will be mailed.” He told her as he shoved papers towards her across the desk’s sticky surface. “Sign these.”

Saja barely glanced at the pages as she scrawled her signature. She felt tears lurking somewhere behind her eyes, and was determined not to let them flow until she’d fled the office. Her stepmother’s words pelted her brain as she sat in her car, stunned but at the same time, not surprised. ‘You knew it was a lousy job when you took it, Samantha!’ Claire had sneered at her when she related the problems she faced handling a house full of emotionally challenged kids.

She knew her stepmother was correct, a class mate in her senior year psych courses had worked there, and told her it was a nightmare. The company owned four houses in residential neighborhoods, used to house emotionally challenged children. Riverside was a sort of half-way house for kids from nine to seventeen whose parents couldn’t control them. They received therapy sessions, medication and attended normal schools, but their lives at the home were a system of reward and punishment designed to modify behavior. Saja didn’t see that it did much good.

Maybe her father was still home at their in the tiny Coral Gables bungalow near the University of Miami where her father was a Psychology professor. Saja attended four years there, then went to art school  for another two years.

“Hello?” she called out as she mounted the narrow steps and opened the ancient, rickety door.

“In here sweetie.” She heard her father say. He sat surveying the streetscape from his glassed  office. It was meant to be a sun room, but the palms and other vegetation grew so densely around it that no more than a ray or two penetrated the thicket. Vibrant pink bougainvillea draped itself over the trellis  leaning against stucco walls of the house, circa  nineteen twenty five.

She plunked down on the faux leather chair next to floor to ceiling bookcases dominating the only non-glass wall. Her father listened with empathy. What a way to end a Thursday night shift. Of course the jackals waited until the end of the week to fire her. Happy Friday! He leaned back in his desk chair and rubbed his palms together.

“What are your plans, or haven’t you had a chance to think that far ahead yet?”

“Don’t know. I only took this job since it was what I could find. A BS in psych and MFA gets you exactly nothing in today’s economy.” She lamented.

“I’ll look at school for you, but honestly most positions are for students.”

“Thanks, but I can’t say I’m anxious to jump in again. I wish I could find a good job – something that makes me happy. I’d like to want to go into work for a change, rather than dragging myself there.”

“Welcome to adulthood!” he told her, sounding doleful.

“I still have most of the money Abuela left me.” Saja said, brightening. “Maybe I could afford to take some time off. I went from high school to college to art school, and worked through all of it. I hoped my first real job would be more satisfying, but I guess not.”

“What would you do – sit at home? Your funds will pay rent for a while sure, but you have to do something with yourself.”

“You know  I’ve always had a thing for Moche pottery. Remember my project last year that incorporated those designs? I remember we visited mom’s folks in Lima when I was five. What  if I went back, just for a little while? I know Abuela is gone now but the collections in Lima are the best in the world. I’d love to see them!” she said, getting excited.

“We’d have to wait for break, and I don’t know if Claire can get away, but  it might be fun to go back.”

“I was sort of thinking I’d go on my own. I’m twenty four  – plenty old enough to roam around off leash!”

“By yourself? You speak a little Español, but I‘ve heard better. Are you sure?

“I haven’t worked it all out yet. I’ve got to run – I need to sleep. Bye Daddy” Saja called on the way out.

At her studio apartment, she showered then went to bed. Shrill barking from the lonely dog downstairs awakened her every few minutes. Saja gave up after the fifth time she awoke and foraged for edible leftovers in the fridge. At 10:30 she dialed Todd, who was working alone at a smaller house watching only four kids.

“Hi honey bear.” She said when he answered.

“Hey Saja – I’m so sorry, I heard what happened.”  

“Yeah, that asshole Keith sold me out. I begged him not to note it in the file, but mister by the book insisted.”

“Jess told me that Arturio had a meltdown in therapy. They had to sedate him. So that, and the other thing – I’m sorry they took it out on you.”

“What other thing?”

“Um, you know – us.” He lowered his tone since the kids' bedroom doors were all open and they were likely still awake.

“We haven’t done anything all that terrible. Well that first night maybe, but it’s not like we were naked or anything.”

“I know, but Jess said we were an open secret. The kids would talk about us when they wanted to sound like they knew secrets.”

“So, that was why they fired me? What about you?”

“I know it’s not fair, they thought we weren’t setting a good example.”

“You mean because you’re married. I get fired, and you won’t even get a reprimand.”

“I wish there was something I could do. Let me come over after my shift. I should go now.”

“Ok, I’ll have breakfast ready.”

Saja threw herself down on the second hand sofa that spilled stuffing from one of its cushions, and aimed the remote at the TV. She settled on some weird, foreign martial arts movie from the seventies and laid down resting her head on the pillowed arm. The figures jumped and spun from one edge of the screen and back again, as they flipped over one another and hollered what she supposed were fearsome battle cries. She hadn’t wanted the damn job but needed something  until she found a better one. Then Todd came along, and she wasn’t motivated anymore to look elsewhere. Though she slept earlier, it was only a nap and she fell to sleep again with her ears full of foreign dialogue. At five AM she startled awake, thinking she was at work and had fallen asleep. When she realized she was at home, and why, she started to sob. After a few minutes she made her way into the bathroom to interrupt the stream of mucus flowing from her nose, and decided she might as well stay up. By the time Todd knocked on her door, she was dressed, caffeinated and munching on toast at the kitchen table.

“Hiya kiddo.” He said, scooping her into her arms with a kiss.

“Hi yourself. You must’ve been speeding to get here this early – or did you sneak out ?”

“No, I stayed until all the kiddies were on their way to school. I can’t stay too long though; Cynthia will wonder where I got to. I didn’t call her with any excuse.”

Saja frowned and got up to pull together breakfast, scrambled egg with cheese and more toast. She held out the coffee pot in question to Todd, as much to ask did he want a cup.

“Yes, please, but not too much. I won’t get to sleep if I do.”

Todd took the coffee from her and sat watching her as she whipped eggs together will a splash of milk, before setting them on the stove. She turned to talk to him as she poked at the eggs every so often to keep them fluffy.

“I’m so pissed. My first real job and I got fired from it – for nothing!” she told him, continuing “On the other hand, part of me is relieved. I kind of hated that place.”

“Yeah, I think it wasn’t a real good fit for you. I don’t mind it. What are you going to do now?”

“I have half an idea; I told my dad about it this morning.”

“So, don’t keep me in suspense – what’s this bold new idea?” Todd grinned.

“I want to spend some time in Peru, to see the museum collections of Moche pottery.”

“Really? I didn’t see that coming.” Todd mused.

“Yeah, I’ve always like Moche. Maybe if I could see some pieces up close, I’d figure a way to model some of my own stuff after that style. I really haven’t had a chance to work on my stuff since I left the Arts college.”

“Sounds like a good change of pace.”

“Why don’t you come with me?” she asked him as she measured out eggs and toast onto their plates.

“What – me? I don’t have much vacation saved up.”

“I don’t mean for the whole time, but why not come with me at first and spend a week or two – then you can get back.”

“What would I tell Cyn?” he said haltingly.

“How about that you don’t want to be married to her anymore and you’re coming with me?”

He picked at his eggs, took a bite or two of toast and chewed slowly, washing it down with coffee. She waited, barely daring to breathe as her heart pounded. She’d never overtly challenged him about being married, but she hadn’t had a reason to before now. When she met him, she certainly wasn’t looking to start a relationship - she’d just finished one -and  regarded him merely as a coworker. She worked with Todd occasionally and soon they knew each other well enough to have lengthy conversations. The paperwork portion of the job never took more than a few hours, so there was plenty of dead space to fill until daybreak. When she told him about her recently departed boyfriend who left the state for graduate school, he seemed – or pretended – to be aghast. ‘How could anyone leave her? The man must have been a fool!’ With that and similar adulations, he charmed her until she longed to read the week’s schedule.

“Saja, you know I care for you, but - .”

She felt her heart seize up beneath her blouse. “You’re not going to leave her, are you?” she spewed as she narrowed her eyes and set her jaw. He knew that look.

He shook his head slowly, avoiding  her eye. “I can’t.”

“Why not? You don’t have kids, so what’s the problem? You promised me you’d leave!”

“I said someday. Someday I might leave. Besides, I thought we’d have more time. We’d work together for years, and steal a few hours together here. Besides, I think she’s suspicious now. Who spends that much time at the library? I owe it to her to try again.”

Saja had all she could do to keep from flinging her glass of orange juice at his head. Her coffee cup clashed loudly against her plate as she set it down with a wobble. She didn’t know he was married until it was too late – her heart was already long gone. Sometimes she marveled at her naiveté. How ridiculous to have truly believed him when he told her he was ‘separated’ from his wife. Separated means living separately. It was months before she understood he meant he was sleeping on the couch. His reluctance now, sitting across from her, told her that he had returned  to his marital bed. How long had he been screwing both of them?

“I guess we’re finished then.” She told him, after forcing a swallow.  

“No, we don’t have to be. It’s just that I feel like we both  need to – .”

“I don’t care. We’re done.” She stood to emphasize her resolve. He pushed his half empty plate to the side, and rose. In the tiny kitchen, his massive frame seemed to shrink all else in comparison. Saja was thankful he wasn’t an angry or violent man. His easy personality and natural charm invited everyone to gravitate to him, including the young wards at the facility and apparently, unsuspecting coworkers.

“Can I call you at least?” he queried as he lingered.

Without bothering to hide her tears, she shook her head as her voice betrayed her. Saja willed her feet to remain planted where they stood, furniture separating  her and the man who was about to flee with her heart.

“Go.”

He nodded somberly and with one quick look back over his shoulder, quietly closed the door. She heard his feet descending the stairs. Though she could’ve watched from the window, she staggered instead to her couch and collapsed, wailing. In little over twenty four hours, she’d lost both her job and her lover. Other than pulling  a woven throw over herself, she couldn’t manage a single thing. Uneaten eggs turned to icy rubber on their plates, and coffee chilled into oily bitterness as morning faded to afternoon. People came and went in the building  as she tossed listlessly on the forest green sofa, upholstered for durability in a scratchy wool blend. Except for one bathroom trip, conducted at snail’s pace, the couch contained her. By nightfall, stiff muscles urged her to find another cocoon to inhabit, and she crawled onto  her mattress on the floor, secreted behind the couch from casual observance. Eventually her emotional exhaustion chaperoned her into sleep, chock a block with disturbing dreams.

After a shower the next morning, she hauled herself out to her favorite coffee shop where she ordered and devoured her favorite asiago cheese bagel, thick with additional  cream cheese. The largest  caffe mocha with an extra shot of espresso partially cut through the fog that lingered in her mind, and encased her limbs in lethargy. Those few patrons who noticed her at all, regarded a zombie woman, sans makeup, moving senselessly through the crowd to settle at a high-top nestled into the corner by a window. Scenes from the past eight months looped endlessly in her head. Except for his bear like presence in virtually any room he occupied, nothing much about him stood out. After a time, she realized he resembled a fairly well known actor; dirty blond hair strewn over a wide forehead that stood watch over a slightly pronounced brow, and craggy yet appealing features. His dancing blue eyes were the feature that dominated the alluring face, followed by a quick, lopsided smile.

She continued to sip while quelling tears that threatened to burst forth in the middle of a busy shop. To push back the salty stinging, she tried to avoid her favorite memories of those lazy, playful hours in bed after lovemaking when he would reach out in ursine fashion and drag her back next to him on the mattress, producing peals of laughter. Their musings about a future where they would live happily together in a cottage by a lake somewhere. Her abysmal attempts at casting a fly fishing line- his passion - during their single, stolen weekend up north. Above all, her new found sense of safety and unconditional love when his arms ensconced her as they curled together almost as one being on the couch. And here it was, the day after everything changed, and her shattered future without ‘the one’ by her side was unavoidable. One foot in front of the other was all that remained.  That, and her own gumption, in order to claw her way out of the pit of betrayal towards the light.