Will See You Soon, Angel.

Dear Autumn,

We met in late october.

 I had just moved to Colorado in August. In Delaware, it had been a breeze for me to make friends. I was the popular kid, the interesting one, the one with a perfect family. Yet, in Colorado I was just a whistle of a voice. I was a lone seed blown off of a dandelion by a young girl, who would go to her mother and yell “Mommy look!” But during October, I had been quieter than usual. I would normally talk a few times in a day to answer a question in school, but something changed in fall. I never talked. I could go days on end without being noticed. The silence had replaced the ringing in my ears. The only time I would speak was during dinner at home. Even then, it was the occasional “Could you pass the salt?”

October 23. I have the date on my calendar still. The day I met you. School was starting to hang up decorations for halloween (absurd, I know, considering how many religious people went to our school) and I was in charge of helping set up for the yearly sophomore halloween party. Our crew had decided I needed to “speak up more” and it ended up with me being head of the party planning committee. Then again, it was a great opportunity to meet new people. 

They had pulled me up to the front of the classroom to tell the crew what my ideas for this year were. I hesitated to speak, stuck between wanting to laugh and cry. “I— I thought—” I paused. “I thought maybe we could do a haunted house or something— but it’s cool if you don’t like it!” You raised your hand and I didn’t bother look at your face. “Yes?” I answered with nerves rushing through my voice. You looked into my eyes, assuring me without even saying anything. I probably had the stupidest look on my face. “Yeah, it’s stupid," you laughed. “Stupid but good. Everyone loves a good haunted house. Everyone agree with me? I think that you’ve got a good idea, Angel.”

I was dumbfounded by how confident you seemed. How did you even know my name? I had just joined the party planning committee and I had never seen you before now. “Are you new here?” I asked you, my eyebrow raised. You smiled and replied, “Yeah. I’m Autumn."

"What a sun-shiny name," I replied.

And that was enough.

After that, we were inseparable. We always talked together, walked to class together, and went over to each other's houses. Well, my house. You never wanted to go to your house. I didn’t know why until I asked. We were at the park, bundled up in winter coats while it snowed softly. We were sitting on a park bench, talking, when I asked out of the blue. “Why don’t we ever go to your house?” You instantly stopped smiling and looked away from me. you didn’t answer me. I looked at you and smiled awkwardly. Finally, you sighed and looked at me with your amber eyes. “My dad isn’t a very good person. He.. gets drunk a lot. I don’t want you to deal with that," you mumbled quietly. I would have never guessed that was happening to you. Your confidence and cheery demeanor shielded me from ever knowing you had a hard time. I never asked you about it again.

Eventually, I branched out off of you. I met your friends and I met your friends friends, the usual. There was a point when I didn’t talk to you anymore. I didn’t say hello in the hallways anymore. I never said a word to you. I don't know why, but I grew resentment of you. The girl with the crazy dad. "Who would want to be friends with you?" I asked myself often. You were the only one who knew my pain, and maybe that made me vulnerable? I don't exactly know where I was going with this, but all I knew then is that you knew things about me that nobody else could know.

Eventually, I let it loose. Like a train speeding down to who knows where. I told everyone that Autumn had a crazy drunk dad and other things, like you were sleeping with guys from all over town. No one could track the rumors down to me, so I was safe.

I don't think you know it was me.

I'm sorry.

March 30. The last day I spoke to you. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was hanging out with my friends, when you came over and said hello to us. My friends looked at you. They commented, “Ew, you hang out with her?” “Aren't you the one with the crazy dad?” "Oh so you're the one who slept with my boyfriend!" and all sorts of things. I looked at the people and laughed. I looked at you, and it’s like my brain went to autopilot. I didn’t think. “Just go away, freak. I don’t know why I was ever friends with you.” Without even knowing what was happening or what I had just done, the once cheery and joyful girl I knew was gone. You looked at me in the eyes and said, “You too?” before you shoved your hands in your pockets and walked away. 

I thought about that day for years. I couldn’t bring myself to apologize, thinking you would reject my apology. We didn’t talk. We didn’t wave. We didn’t look. We didn’t cross paths. you always sat alone at lunch, and I knew it hurt you. It hurt me too.

Before I knew it, I was graduating high school. I still reminisced about having a friend to talk to. I remembered your soft voice. I remembered your confidence. I remembered you. I missed you. I yearned to play with your hair, or even exchange a hello. 

I decided I was going to apologize during graduation. Two weeks away. 

I wrote out what I was going to say. I knew what you would do. We would talk it out like we always did. I knew you would understand. Well, I hoped you would understand.

And eventually, the day came. I walked into my high school doors for the last time and was ready for battle. I made my way to the auditorium and took my seat, ready to hear you voice be called up to get your diploma. The hairs on my neck were stood up straight. I was giddy, yet a bowling ball sat at the bottom of my stomach. I assumed it was graduation nerves.

Boy was I wrong.

I waited for your amber eyes to look over the crowd as you received your high school diploma. Instead, I heard your name in a different announcement.

The principal started to speak. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sad to inform you that last night, Autumn Goodman took her own life. I know many of you knew you and were close to her, and in she note left she stated she would like the announcement to be made at graduation. Please let us have a moment of silence to mourn her death.”

I couldn’t believe it.

You were dead.

During the whole moment of silence, all I could think of was the cheery girl who told me I was enough. The cheery girl I killed.

I hope in this letter you will forgive me. I hope you will know how much I loved you. I hope that you will read it no matter you are. I know now it wasn’t my fault completely, and I wish I could have apologized to you. I’m glad our paths crossed when they did, and I know now we are apart, but no matter what you're engraved in my mind.

I have thought a lot about this, and I'm sure I want to do this. I will finally get to apologize to you.

I ask that there is an announcement for me at college graduation.

-Will see you soon, 

Angel