The Crying Room

The group performances were all complete and all I had left was my tap solo. It was my time when my knees started shaking. I’ve been dancing since I was 5 and this isn’t my first solo. But I was a kid back then and right now, I feel all alone. All I can see in my mind is how I’m going to embarrass myself. “Please I can’t do this” I kept hearing inside my mind.

Tammy, my instructor, believed in me so it was on. They picked “motivation” for my song and I practiced the choreography for months. 

I changed into my 4th outfit of the day. Please dear god, let me get through this.

“Next is division 2, tap solo, Kira,” Tammy announced on the PA system. 

*the music plays

*tap tap tap

*spin

*pose

*turn and roll

* …

As I rolled down onto the stage, I laid on the floor frozen. I was face first with the stage and I just couldn’t move. So I moved my arm to cover and hide my face from the audience. Eventually the music cut off after 15 seconds and I ran off stage. As soon as I got to the side stage, I started tearing up so the other girls had to try and console me.

“Should we let her go again?”

“No. That’s a wrap. Maybe division 1 but not for the older kids” Tammy said.

After the performance I was in the lobby with a few of the girls. The last few performances of this round were playing live on the TV screens. I couldn’t look at them. After they were all over. We went downstairs to the change rooms. We had even taken over the men’s change room too since David was the only male performer and he could use one of the personal “star” dressing rooms. I saw dozens of girls, some part of our company and some from the next round of performances. I was too embarrassed to go in and excused myself from the group somehow. I just put my jacket on and went back upstairs.

The theatre staff didn’t seem to know that I just made a fool out of myself so I just breezed past them. The theatre was on intermission was so house lights were dim. I snuck through some doors and somehow found myself in the audience area. It was empty except for one cameraman sitting off to the side row. He was looking at his phone and laughing very loudly. He was cute and didn’t seem to notice me. I wanted to die. I walked up the steps to the very top where there was an audio booth in the middle. I always wondered what goes on in there because I love music. I looked into the booth for a moment but more interestingly across from it was another room. It even had it’s own sign—

Room 207 

Crying Room

Darell, the program manager walked out the room just as I was reading the sign. 

“Kira what are you doing here.”

“Nothing, what are you doing in there?”

“Well, this room is sound proof but you can still hear the performances inside from the speakers. It’s for when babies cry and the parents can bring them in here and still enjoy the performances. Sometimes we use it for the judges. Come take a look inside if you like.”

“Okay.”

“And Kira, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Darell left down the steps and I knew he was trying to make me feel better but I wanted to push him down the stairs. Of course I’m going to be hard on myself. I wanted to die again.

I went into the booth and it was mostly empty. Just a ledge with a few high chairs. The house music was playing and I sat down. Looking at the empty, dimly lit stage I began tear up again. I couldn’t stop now and started crying uncontrollably. I buried my face in my arms.

No one else failed a performance except for me the entire 3 day competition. Not the acrobat performers, or the group performers failed. Not even the littlest kids made a mistake. Just me. 

• 1 Year Later -

Division 3. I advanced and was given a tap solo routine again by Tammy. I couldn’t believe it. I started practicing even more, coming in before and after school. I forgot to eat and sleep properly for months. The song was my choice this time and picked Meghan Trainor - No excuses. I knew every word and every beat of that song. 

My legs shook backstage even though I practiced the routine hundreds of times. One after another, I nailed every practice performance and every showcase. “Why am I nervous?” I asked myself inside my own mind. I don’t know if I can smile on stage if I’m thinking like this. But it was my time again.

“Next we have tap solo, division 3, Kira.”

I took a big breath as Tammy read the intro.

*the music plays

*tap tap tappity tap

*clap clap

*tap tap tap

*heel

*click click clack

*tap tap spin

*twirl and roll ….

I was face first with the ground again but this time…

*kick and rise

*tap tap tap

*clap clap clap …..

My cheeks hurt after smiling so much. When I hit the final tap, the audience cheered for me. I just remember how I never gave the audience a chance to cheer for me one year ago. I saw my dad and he looked so proud of me, clapping like a maniac. My friend’s parents were going crazy. So was Tammy. After the show the sound guys told me I was slamming my taps so hard that they had to turn down the tap mics on stage. After getting off stage the other girls gave me hugs and it was the best. I was in a dream state watching the rest of the performances. It was most exciting night of my life. I caught a glimpse of the crying room at the end of my stage. I knew I wouldn’t be needing it today.