You don't know what I'd do for you

**Tw: mentions of past r*pe from the pov of the victim's husband**

“Papa”, Ari yelled excitedly as he dove toward where Isaiah was sitting.

“Be carefull of papa’s painfull neck, darling”, his husband, Hayden, reminded their son gently.

The guard glared at Isaiah as he helped Ari climb into his lap.

God, he hated it when they treated him like he was dangerous.

As if he’d ever hurt his loved ones, or any other innocent human for that matter.

He hated the handcuffs that were digging into his skin, he hated missing out on core moments of Ari’s childhood, he hated not being able to go to work, he hated the awfull orange jumpsuit he was forced to wear.

But most of all he hated not being able to support his husband through the difficult time he was going through.

Hayden grabbed his hand from across the table and squeezed it, their weddingbands softly clinged together making him smile despite it all.

Isaiah couldn’t help but notice the lack of a certain moody 20 year old next to Hayden.

“Where is Sky? Let me guess, he’s disappointed in me and emberassed of me and he refuses to visit his papa in jail”, Isaiah groaned.

Hayden shook his head. “Not at all, love. He’s simply trying to find his place at uni. He’ll join us next week.”

Isaiah squeezed Hayden’s hand.

He’d kill for some alone time with his partner of two decades.

There was so much he wanted to ask him.

How are you really doing?

Do you still wake up screaming?

Are you able to fall back asleep now that i’m not there to hold you?

Do you feel safe alone in our home?

Do you resent me for having to raise our son on your own for the next two years?

You do know I could never blame you for what happened right?

He may not be able to ask these questions infront of an audience but he could write them down in the letters they were exchanging.

Hayden smiled softly at him. “You’ll be pleased to hear Sky hasn’t forgotten about you. He’s started a signature petition and made multiple tiktoks about your case that have gone viral. With my persion to share my story, ofcourse.”

He grabbed his phone, tapped it a few times and showed the screen to Isaiah.

A lengthy black boy was smiling back at him.

“Hi guys, I am Skylar. When I was 9 years old I was adopted from an orphanage in Uganda by English literature professor Hayden Montgomery and his husband Nicu nurse Isaiah Brown. I really lucked out with my parents who were incredibly supportive when I came out as trans when I was 16 and who have always offered me a safe place to grow up in. I’ve always loved my parents love story. They met at a playground when they were 5 and have been inseparable ever since. They started dating when they were 16 and have never been with anyone else. They’ve also never really spend any time apart. Until now. I want to start out with saying I do have permission of my dad to share this sensitive information. A year ago my father was raped on his way home from work. His rapist was never imprisoned because there wasn’t enough evidence. When he ran into his rapist a year later my papa beat him up, rightfully so if you ask me. He was sentenced with 2 years in jail which was entirely unfair if you ask me. My papa is the least violent man you’ll ever meet. He dedicated his life to taking care of premature babies for crying out loud. He’s never acted violent toward me, my dad or my little brother, what he did should be forgiven given the circumstances. If you agree with me feel free to sign the petition to get my papa out of jail earlier.”

Isaiah took a deep breath after seeing that video, unable to do anything else.

Ofcourse he knew Skylar wouldn’t get his way, he didn’t act out of self defense so his behavior won’t be excused in the eyes of the law.

Later he went back to his cel with a heavy heart and climbed onto his shitty mattress.

He sighed and grabbed one of the books besides his bed.

His husband the literary nerd always dreamed of being able to have in depth discussions about his favourite books with Isaiah.

Atleast now that he wasn’t working long shifts at the nicu he finally had the time to check out some of Hayden’s favourite pieces.

He thumbed through an old piece of Dutch literature when his eyes caught onto a sentence.

He stared at the faded page of the book.

Wanneer gij terug zou kunnen naar een dag in het verleden welke dag zou u dan kiezen?

Laat deze eenmalige kans niet voorbij gaan.

He wasn’t a religious person but he couldn’t help but let his mind wonder as he read the words that essentially asked him what day in the past he’d travel back to if given the chance.

Intrigued he read the instructions.

What If this old Dutch book really would be able to let him relive one particular day of his life?

If that were the case he’d know exactly what day he’d choose to relive so he could make other choices than he did the first time around.

He had many regrets, just like he figured most adults had and yet choosing one particular day to rewrite wasn’t difficult.

He wouldn’t go back to the day a miscommunication let him to wrongfully accuse his father of cheating on his mother, something that permanently restrained his relationship with his father.

He wouldn’t go back to the day he made a wrong move while swimming the butterfly stroke during a competition in college.

Eventhough the injury cost him his scholarship, his future as an athlete and left him with a permanent ache in the back of his neck and in between his shoulder blades.

No, he’d go back in time and tell Hayden not to walk home in the semi-dark.

Ofcourse he didn't blame Hayden for what happened but he did blame himself.

He should have never let Hayden convince him that he’d be fine walking home in the dark.

Yes, he did have male privilege and yes he had white privilege, something his partner and sons didn’t have.

But that didn’t mean he was invincible.

Eventhough he was strong and tall and fast he still hadn’t been a match to a gun.

Even a year later Isaiah could still picture it so easily.

He’d be cooking a meal with Skylar, something they did often in the months before he went to university, to make sure he’d be able to survive on his own.

Hayden had texted him that he was on his way home now, that he’d walk because it was a beautiful night.

Isaiah closed his eyes and pictured turning of the stove, telling Ari and skylar to put on their shoes and coats and texting Hayden to wait for him in their favourite coffee shop.

He could have used the excuse that he wanted to have one more coffee date with skylar before he went off go college the next day.

One innocent looking choice that would rewrite somuch of their story.

One text message, that’s all it would take to undo the fact that Isiah was now the only grown man that didn’t make Hayden flinch.

It has always scared Isaiah that seemingly small choices we make every day can have such a massive impact on our lives.

It’s why he wrote his college paper about the multiversity theory even if it wasn’t in his expertise as a student wanting to become a nicu-nurse.

The idea that every choice we make, even the ones that don’t seem significant at the moment, creates a parallel universe has always fascinated him.

Ever since Hayden’s brutal rape however he’s felt like he has somehow ended up in the wrong version of reality.

If there are infinite universes out there and infinite versions of him and Hayden, then why should they have ended up in this nightmarish one?

They had such a good life until it all fell to pieces on one cold November night.

Ofcourse their life wasn’t perfect but they were healthy, safe and happy and so were their sons.

What more could they want from life?

The idea that one old dusty piece of Dutch literary with yellowed pages holds the power to bring Isaiah back to the worst night of their lives, and make different choices, seems ridiculous.

Atleast the multiverse and redstring theories had real scientific explanations and you could find a lot of research from credible scientists online about the subjects.

The same thing couldn’t be said about time travel.

And yet Isaiah can’t help but feel like it’s a sign that he stumbled up on this old book that claims to grant the reader one trip back in time.

Doesn’t he owe it to Hayden to find out if this works?

He has always told Hayden he’d do anything for him.

Considering the fact that he’s currently serving time in prison, because he beat the crap out of Hayden’s rapist, it’s safe to say he kept that promise.

So the least he can do now is follow this lead, no matter how crazy it seems.

The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn’t change anything.

It’s not like he’s at risk of making things worse.

So he repeats the phrase inside his head and starts to picture the way he wishes that night had gone instead in the hopes he’ll somehow be able to rewrite history.

He closes his eyes and goes back to the memories he still has of that night.

He pictures himself standing behind the stove teaching Skylar how to make his famous paella.

He vividly remembers getting a tekst message from Hayden that he was walking home from a late night lecture.

He remembers feeling uneasy about that because it was already dark outside.

It was true that they only lived a short walk away from the university wher Hayden worked as an English literature professor.

Just like it was true that Hayden had male privilege and that he was the only one in their house with white privilege.

Yes, he maybe strong and fast and tall but he still wouldn’t be a match to a gun or a knife or a big group of violent people.

During the original time line Isaiah had let Hayden convince him that he’d be perfectly fine walking home in the dark.

Eventhough he knows neither of them were to blame for what happened to Hayden, Isaiah had spent the past year and a half having a hard time trying not to blame himself.

If only he’d had listened to his gut feeling and told him he’d come and pick him up.

He should have known his beautiful, stubborn husband would take the short cuts through the shady alleyways like he always did, no matter how much it annoyed Isaiah.

Hayden didn’t seem to see the point in taking a reroute home because he’d never felt particularly unsafe when he was outsids late at night.

Isaiah knew their difference in skin colour had let them to experiencing London at night very differently.

Hayden wasn’t used to feeling on high-alert.

Isaiah could feel his heart start to race as he thought of the phone call that came shortly after that.

The one that broke his heart into a million pieces and had him ignoring every traffic rule to get to his distressed husband as soon as possible.

He felt nauseous just thinking about that night.

He opened his eyes and closed them again and pictured himself turning off the stove.

He pictured himself telling Ari and Skylar to put on their shoes and coats and to meet him at the car.

Then he pictured himself texting Hayden to wait for him at the coffee shop next to the university.

Instead of breaking the speed limit and racing to the alleyway Hayden was in he pictured himself driving af a normal pace with his boys in the backseat.

Instead of falling to his knees infront of his terrified looking husband, and letting the man fall to pieces in his arms, he pictured himself kissing Hayden hello inside the coffee shop.

Instead of vomiting when he first saw the angry bruises on Hayden’s hips inside the hospital he pictures himself asking his partner about his lecture.

Instead of holding Hayden’s hand as a nurse went through the procedure of preparing a rapekit he pictures himself driving home with all his boys safely inside their car.

Instead of keeping a protective arm around Hayden as he talked to a police officer he pictures himself watching from the doorway as he reads their 5 year old son a bedtime story.

He pictured the way November 19th should have unfold again and again and again until he falls asleep.

The moment he woke up he knew he wasn’t in the prison he’d spent the past few days in.

The mattress he was laying on was way too comfortable for that.

He also couldn’t help but notice that he was naked and he’d definitely never went to bed naked with all those guards circling around his prison cell.

And then there was the small matter of the familiar arms that were lazily draped around his toned stomach.

He jolted up right with his heart in his throat.

The movement woke Hayden up who stretched his beautiful body out before sitting up to and smiling at him.

Isaiah couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Had he seriously cracked time travel by simply reading an old piece of Dutch literature and picturing how he wished the night of November 19th had really gone?

That seemed ridiculous.

And yet he woke up in the home he shared with his partner of two decades instead of in a prison cell.

He swallowed hard and reached out to Hayden’s water glass to take a sip and suit his sore throat.

“Hey, baby, what day is it today?” He asked hoping he didn’t sound too panicky.

Hayden put a hand through his dirty blonde curls in an attempt to flatten them a bit.

“Uhm, Friday. It’s the day before we drive Skylar to uni.”

Isaiah’s mouth dropped open. “Are you trying to tell me it’s November 19th 2020?”

Hayden looked at him quizically. "Yes?”

Isaiah stared at him in disbelief before launching at his husband and letting out a choked sob.

He’d done it. He’d gone back in time and now he’d be able to prevent Hayden from getting hurt.

‘Love, are you quite alright?” Hayden asked concerned as he stroked Isaiah’s back.

“I’m perfect, baby”, he promised before leaning into place a soft kiss on Hayden’s lips.