There's a First Time for Everything

    Jan regained consciousness-eyes closed- with the horrible sensation of his head spinning and the room rotating at the same time. It was as if he was riding the most evil and ingenious tilt-a whirl ever invented . He didn't dare open his eyes as he puked the vile contents of his stomach that held such appeal as amber ale and cheesy nachos only hours earlier. Even in his pitiful state, he attempted to keep the vile smelling vomit as far away as possible from himself and his favorite outfit as he lay on the cold hard floor. He wasn't one for resolutions, but this experience had at least changed his mind for the time being. “I will NEVER drink like that again,” he thought to himself on the first day of January 2024.

       As the spinning continued, he expected that his usual experience of smelling vomit would only induce more of the same. The chore of cleaning up after his cats was the worst. His gag reflex kicked in after they spewed their dinner-or worse yet-the occasional mouse. This time, however, he only had a faint whiff and smelled no more. He heard a faint hum of machinery and made a few Herculean efforts of opening his eyes. A small Droid-like robot was simultaneously picking up the throw-up with a vacuum-like attachment and spraying the see-through plexiglass-like floor with an exotic intoxicating fragrance. As he looked down, he was shocked to see a familiar landmark. He had visited this place several times with his parents while growing up, but never like this. His disbelieving eyes settled on the marble mermen statues of Spit and Spat . He always had been drawn to them - each spitting water at one another from conch shells at either end of a long rectangular pool. They weren't spitting now since it was January and the water was drained. However, he now had the unique perspective of viewing them from a height of about 150 feet- higher than the tallest tree in Congress Park. As he looked around and absorbed his surroundings more fully, he realized he was in a small airborne craft of some sort. He had unobstructed views from every angle since the ship seemed to be made from the same substance as the plexiglass-like floor. He spotted the familiar sites of the Canfield Casino, carousel and pond. When he saw the three pilots of the craft-short gray beings with bug -like eyes- he lost his lunch again and knew no more for at least an hour. 

       When he awakened for  the second time in the wee hours of 2024, he felt none of the side effects the drinking had caused. In fact, he felt the best he had in years. With horror, he saw one of the gray creatures removing an IV from his right arm. The needle had gone straight through the center of his Janus tattoo. The instincts of his years of playing youth, high school and college football kicked in. He dove on his attacker , who stood no taller than a six year old. The alien flicked him off as easily as a fly. Jan made his SECOND resolution of the new year of hitting the gym more often.

       “What the hell did you inject me with?,” Jan asked in his most demanding voice. 

      The spaceman replied with a question of his own. “Where did you learn your manners?,” he asked. He finished putting away the medical equipment in an odd looking box and stashed it in a small metal cabinet nearby. His two co-pilots walked across the craft to join them. “My name is Moe and this is Larry and Curly,” he said while pointing at his nearly identical crewmen. They nodded their heads at Jan while they each held up a frail arm in salutation. Moe continued, “ We have every available data point about you, so no need to introduce yourself. “ Jan could only gape at them with his mouth hanging open. 

       Larry picked up where Moe left off . Their voices sounded oddly familiar to Jan and it suddenly occurred to him he had heard them before. His father had been a big Stooge fan and Jan pretended to share his enthusiasm by watching hours of DVDS of their antics. Moe had a bossy authoritarian tone and Larry had a variety of defensive yet sometimes sassy undertones. Jan's theory proved correct when Curly spoke in an animated, high-pitched and inane timbre. Jan wasn't sure if he was more relieved or deeply concerned. 

        Larry said, “We know you don't remember anything after the midnight fireworks at the Saratoga First Night celebration. You and your friends decided to skip the entertainment aspect of the evening and spent your bonding time hitting the Caroline Street bars. You got split up from your companions, lost your phone and were too drunk to remember where you parked your car. You talked complete nonsense with a  mother trying to enjoy the fireworks with her young children. You threw your 250 pound body on her tiny frame to keep you upright. We swooped in unseen to rescue you when she searched for a policeman because she was concerned for your safety. “

        Curly chimed in with a ,”Nuk, nuk, nuk,” as he was both amused by Jan's predicament and was self-satisfied with their abduction of him. He answered Jan's earlier question by saying, “You might want to thank us for saving you from hypothermia and the worst hangover ever. We injected you with the hair of the dog that bit you, healing electrolytes, and the hair of one poodle -nuk, nuk nuk.”

    He paused a minute and continued his chain of thought. “By the way, we don't understand why you would go through the expense, pain and personal disfigurement of that Janus tattoo on your arm. It is a beautiful name and powerful symbol of the link between past and future represented by the two heads facing in opposite directions. Your mother spent many long and careful hours choosing that name, yet you are embarrassed to use it. You know how she detests tattoos, but you got one anyway. “

       Jan often had the bad habit of opening his mouth before his brain fully engaged. He decided to be patient and not to argue with Curly or defend himself until he understood his situation better. This became resolution number THREE - count to ten before speaking in anger. 

       While Jan pondered his potentially dangerous predicament, he got the gist that the aliens seemed to want a “thank you “ from him. He did some quick internal wrestling with himself about whether he should be grateful at all to these beings who had the capability of killing him. With mixed emotions he managed, “Thank you for assisting me in my time of need. “ This was a bit of a strain for him. He was the baby of an upper-middle class family and was spoiled by his parents and three older sisters. He was blessed with an athletic muscular build, a handsome face and a mop of thick chestnut hair. He stood out from the general populace and commanded attention from family, friends, and women. He often was the recipient of implicit and explicit favors for which he didn't express gratitude. Jan's “thank-you” seemed to satisfy the trio. Moe and Larry nodded while Curly chuckled, “Nuk, nuk, nuk. “ Demonstrating acknowledgement and appreciation of others’ actions became resolution number FOUR.

     Jan's anxiety got the better of him and he summoned the nerve to demand when and if  his abductors were going to release him. He sputtered out, “When can I go home?” He was rewarded with what seemed to be looks of strong rebuke from his hosts- he couldn't quite tell. He put into practice resolution number THREE and kept his mouth shut. The trio navigated the craft with invisible controls and traveled the short distance to the carousel and hovered over his favorite merry-go-round.  

       Moe asked, “Do you recall a sad experience here?”

     Jan thought for a minute and then remembered - painful childhood memories often stick while pleasant or neutral ones do not. When he was seven, he pushed a younger and smaller boy to the ground because they both wanted to ride Jan's favorite horse. The boy scraped his knee and screamed bloody murder. Jan's mother yanked her son's hair and dragged him back to the car - skipping the carousel and promised ice cream later. He felt humiliated and angry when he was lectured all the way home about being selfish and a bully. He refused to promise his mother to always be kind to those weaker. He viewed strength as something to be admired- like Superman.

       Jan decided to say nothing when the craft traveled the brief distance to the most famous Congress Park landmark- the Canfield Casino- and this made yet another tourist stop on this strange alien excursion. This beautiful and historic brick building was built in 1870 and was a stylish gambling house for the famous, infamous and wealthy Victorian society. It now functioned as a museum and event venue- especially for weddings. Jan attended two happy ceremonies there and it was supposed to be the location of his own nuptials this June- until his beloved fiance Aimee broke off their engagement abruptly. The sight of the building caused Jan to lose his composure and he blubbered like a baby. Curly handed him a kleenex and Jan knew they understood his past completely. Just then, the image of the small wooden sign his mother had hung over her entrance door popped into his brain. The simple verse had been with him since childhood. Jan always had been a fan of the Serenity Prayer - acceptance of things he couldn't change, courage to change things he could, and wisdom to know the difference. It came in especially handy during his football days. This valuable nugget that Jan often used as a tool when making important life decisions became resolution FIVE. 

       Jan began to relax a little as he put the Serenity Prayer to use yet again in contemplating his broken engagement and assessing his situation with Moe, Larry and Curly. There was so much he wanted to learn so that he could escape from this jam. He tried in vain to remember anything he had read or watched on TV about aliens. Instead, he passively watched the three manipulate their invisible controls and engaged in private conversation in a language he couldn't understand. He began to think they had forgotten about him as the craft exited Congress Park and skimmed the skyline of the Saratoga landscape. His stomach lurched as the ground below became a blur. He wondered if they could be seen and if their presence would set off widespread panic. Hopefully, his friends and family would notice he was missing or someone would realize his situation and come to his rescue. The ship slowed and hovered over another famous Saratoga destination-the Saratoga Race Course. This spot stirred a wave of emotion in Jan. He had such love of the place yet it was a reminder of a painful experience when he last visited in August. He was embarrassed by his loud sobbing that he was unable to control.  Curly handed him yet another kleenex. “Tell us about it, “ he said. 

           Jan looked down at their inscrutable faces and began his story. “This has been a magical place for me and my family. As long as I can remember, large numbers of our families and friends got together every August and we had huge picnics in the backstretch area. We would catch up with each other and watch the horses parade by and be saddled up before each race. We would people-watch, eat tons of great food, and pick our favorites from the racing form. We looked forward to August every year for the love of the sport and the thought of seeing everyone again. This past August, much of the magic wore off.”

      Jan blew his nose and the trio waited for him to continue. Larry reached out a tiny arm to reassure him. Jan was both alarmed and touched at the same time. 

     “This past August, just Aimee and I came up for the day and watched the races from the rail. One of the horses broke his leg just before the finish line - right in front of us. The jockey was hospitalized but the horse had to be euthanized-he was one of several during the meet. This made me sick to my stomach and made me question how I felt about the place. Aimee suggested I volunteer at a stable that rescues retired race horses. To my eternal shame, I never showed up to help out with the chores after signing up for the program. Volunteering was never my thing-I’ve always been selfish with my time- and have felt guilty ever since.” The trio nodded their heads in understanding. Jan said, “My SIXTH resolution for 2024 is to reach out and help others. “

      The ship sped off again and the queasy sensation in his stomach returned. It was a short hop to the Saratoga Racino Hotel- a different casino than their wedding venue of the Canfield Casino. The tears rolled down Jan's face again. He felt the red heat of embarrassment color his cheeks and the pain of his failed relationship stab his heart when they stopped above this painful reminder of his past. This was the place where Aimee ditched him, and rightfully so.

      Moe, Larry and Curly watched him with their expressionless bug-like eyes as Jan began his tale of woe. The night at the Casino in September four months ago started out with such fun and exciting promise of the weekend ahead. 

      Jan said, “Let me tell you about me and Aimee. We started dating our last year of SUNY @ Albany. We were inseparable- she was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and kind. We moved in together after college and were very happy. I popped the question over two years ago in front of family and friends on opening day at the track. We scrimped and saved to pay for our wedding at the Canfield Casino . We ate lots of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bought clothes second-hand, didn't eat out and worked overtime when we could. We had enough money to pay for everything about nine months before the wedding. To celebrate, we splurged on a room at the Racino Hotel and agreed on $200 each to play the slot machines. The next day, we had planned a shopping trip on Broadway with $3000 in cash to buy our wedding bands. “

       He looked down at his shaky hands before continuing. “ Check in was around dinnertime and we had a nice meal in one of the Racino restaurants. There was a friendly back and forth about the merits of getting ring tattoos instead of wedding bands. After dinner, we wanted to do some gambling, but the slots were packed. We decided to have a contest to see who would do better-with interesting terms. I handed her $200, kissed her goodbye and arranged a meeting place for exactly an hour. “

     Jan paused a minute before he continued. He said, “To make a long story short, I lost $3100 for our rings in an hour. I bet more and more to get the money back- it was as if I were possessed. Aimee was so proud she was up $100, but got so pissed when she found out about our loss. She begged and insisted we go back to the room with the $100 I had left in my pocket. I refused and claimed my luck would turn. She stormed off and I gambled on. The money was gone in 15 minutes and I went back to the room. Aimee and her suitcase were gone. She left a note saying that I could find my own way back home. “

       Moe, Larry and Curly reached out their three-fingered hands to pat Jan reassuringly. Jan continued, “ I called three buddies and they came to the hotel. We partied all night and they helped me move my stuff out of the apartment the next day. Aimee broke off our engagement and I moved in with a friend for the time being. She won't answer my calls- maybe I wasn't ready for commitment anyway. My SEVENTH resolution is to cut down on the horse, sports and casino gambling- it cost me my relationship. I really love the thrill, but it's addictive and I'm just not a lucky person. “

       Moe said, “ We sense a real sadness and despair in you from so many unresolved issues. What is the thing that is bothering you most?”

        Jan put a hand to his forehead and thought hard. He said,” This Aimee thing threw me for a loop. I haven't tried hard enough to apologize and see if I can earn her trust back. My family is upset and I've shut myself off from them . My mother might be taking it harder than anyone . Resolution EIGHT is mending relationships with those you love and spending time with them. “

          Curly exclaimed, “We're so happy to hear that ! It was your mother who summoned us to abduct you and knock some sense into your head! “  With that, the three aliens punched, smacked and eye-gouged each other happily-just like the Stooges would. Jan fainted dead away.

       Jan woke in his warm bed with Aimee hugging him and caressing his hair. She said, “Wow, you had so much to drink last night -you passed out before midnight!”

       It took Jan several minutes to make sense of everything. He said, “I had the wildest dream about aliens abducting  and dragging me all over Saratoga. Hmmm, I think I'd like to be called Janus now. As he kissed Aimee for the first time in 2024, he mentally went back to resolution ONE. “ I'll NEVER drink like that again!,” he thought.