It's three in the morning

It’s three in the morning and she's in the library. She tells herself these are the only things she knows. But, she also knows that's not the full truth. 

~

 If she truly wanted to know more, she’s sure she could drift through here, succumb to all the knowledge around her. She could bask in the prose and literature, drink it up, gulping it down into her empty stomach. She’s so sure, and it would be so simple. Yet, her movements are futile. She is in the library and it is three in the morning. 

~

It’s three in the morning and she is in the library and there’s someone else. There they are, twitching and fiery hot in the corner, water boiling on their cheeks. And suddenly, she is there too. 

“Hello.” 

They jerk, their nerve endings are on fire, everything is on fire, and she desperately wishes this person was colder. And suddenly, they are, she is sure of it. 

Through shivering teeth, they chatter, “Howdy.” 

Laughter suddenly erupts without warning, but they are talking again. 

“Who are you?” 

And the name comes out without her questioning it, “Daphne.” 

“Ohhh, I thought so”, they answer, “I’m Sarah.” 

And of course she is. What was just a moment ago nothing but nerve endings and pounding blood is suddenly a blond fluffy pixie-cut and blue veins that force themselves through her snowy skin.  

Daphne observes, “What are you doing, Sarah?”. She is curious. 

“I’m studying. Have a Calculus test tomorrow that I’m trying to pass.” 

“Do you want help?” 

“Do you know Calculus?”, and Daphne is suddenly sure she does. 

~

It’s three in the morning again, and Sarah is there. Daphne sits beside her. 

“Another exam?” 

“Yeah, it’s Biology.” 

“What’s your major, anyway?” 

“Oh, you know....science, biology, some ecological stuff”, Sarah waves her hands around a bit, as if this should conjure some more suitable explanation, “Something useful, I just don’t know what it is yet.” 

“Why are you here? Why are you the only person that's ever here?” 

“Ohh, well-I’m not. There’s the night guard, and some students over there, and-” Sarah trails off, “Honestly, I probably look....silly. But I’m too sleep-deprived right now to care. Want to help?” 

“Sure.” 

~

Most nights Sarah isn’t there, or at least, Daphne can’t see her. But for some reason it’s easier now (‘energy transmission' comes to her, unbidden), to move, to read, to listen. Yes, listen. 

 Because that’s something she knows now, books aren’t just words. She can pick up a book on Entomology and suddenly hear the beating of insect wings and feel the regardless cycling of life, taste the devastation of crops and disease, see the hundreds of crevasses and spaces where they burrow, she's in the middle of an argument over who gets to name the soon Vanessa cardui. And on and on like that, every book being the knowledge not only of the pages, but what they don’t say, what they refuse to or don’t know fully themselves yet. 

Daphne knows so much, the only thing she doesn’t know is what to do with it all. 

~

And then it’s three in the morning again and finals season. Sarah is there nearly every night, each night more listless and with darker eyes, almost inky at this point. She barely acknowledges Daphne these days, yet Daphne always knows what she is studying, what she needs. 

Some nights she speculates this is all in Sarah's mind. 

And what do you do with someone like that? What do you set your priorities on when you barely know yourself, let alone them? 

Has it always been this difficult, living? 

~

It's three in the morning again, but this time things are different. Sarah doesn’t have books with her, she isn’t studying, not in her normal way. But her eyes evaluate Daphne like she’s a specimen pinned across a table. 

“You know, don't you?”, Sarah’s voice isn’t inquisitive, it’s daring. 

Daphne doesn’t have an answer for that. What should she know, there is so much? And the only thing that can dribble out of her mouth are vowels, “I....uu, oo. I-” 

Sarah stares her down, disbelieving or scared, otherwise “I won’t be mad. Just please admit it. Why don’t you just admit it? I- I need something to change here, and I don’t know-” 

“Neither do I”, some consonants finally escape Daphne’s throat, and they freeze the empty room over, “Please, I don’t know, I don’t know why.” 

Something like comprehension forms in Sarah's eyes then, “Can I show you something?”, and Daphne knows she couldn’t refuse if she wanted to 

Like plucking a fruit, Daphne gives Sarah her hand. 

~

Daphne can’t stop looking at the picture, the headline. The headline that reads ‘Girl Found Dead in College Library’. Her eyes continue down, unbidden, ‘Freshman, Sarah Brown, found the dead body at three in the morning while studying for exams’. 

“It was an overdose”, Sarah starts, but then stops. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know. You, I think you used to be a college student too, but at a different school. A senior, I think. But- you didn’t have any family here, and no one-” 

“...but why?” 

And suddenly, it feels like she can’t breathe. Which was strange, since it turns out she never needed to. 

“I don’t know”, Sarah says simply, and the sadness cuts through her, “I don’t.” 

There is silence, and she continues, “It wasn’t the first time I saw you. I practically lived in this library my first year here. And I would see you here constantly, curled up with some gigantic book in the early hours of the morning. You-this library was freezing, but you never looked cold. You just looked- I wanted to know you. I thought so many times of talking to you, of buying you a coffee, of introducing myself. For you to know me. I was- that last time, when it happened, I was going to offer you my protein bar, you had looked so skinny lately-” 

Who knew that quietness could be so echoing? 

“I didn’t come here my entire sophomore year. I just- I couldn’t. I wasn’t doing well.....I- but eventually I got a therapist, and started taking meds and she told me I should come back here-to, confront it. And I did love studying here”, she chuckled. “And, there you were, looking exactly like all those times before. I thought maybe I was crazy at first. Maybe-maybe I still am-” 

“Maybe.” 

“Are you going to disappear now? Is there some unfinished business you need to complete? What happens now?” 

“I don’t know.”