New versions of me

She would go up to people, which used to scare her. She would be the light of the party. But she failed to live up to her ideal self because of her past. She thought she could have just left it behind. But then, when luck was just around the corner, she clung to the pain. She purposely destroyed her new self. This is a story of pain and hope, of crushed dreams and new hopes in the dark. Of bullying and friendships, being your own cheerleader and your worst enemy. 

In school, I was bullied. Very badly, in fact. I only realized this as I was out of school. While I was still in school, I didn’t fully comprehend the power the girl who bullied me had. Years later, in therapy, I started to unravel these things and the impact it had had on me. I started talking to people after years of social anxiety. Still, I had problems in friend groups with anxious moments. I was feeling agitated when I would send a laughing emoji at an amusing comment a friend of mine sent because I thought another friend of mine had a crush on him and I feared she would be angry and push me out of the group. I started shaking when I thought I had made a weird comment in uni and couldn’t stop crying for twenty minutes. Twenty minutes by the way had been the time I used to be alone in school during the in between the lesson breaks, alone, hiding in the toilet so no one would see me standing somewhere alone. But I had been managing, getting to know more people and developing friendships. Even some groups of friends. But then during a period of time I suddenly craved sadness. I clung onto it. I asked myself how it would be to not go to the goodbye party of a friend of mine who was going to move to another city. Now I’m back in my childhood room thinking how could I have that possible luck go. But there are some positive things I’ve done since this weird decision of mine to destroy this friendship. I used a friends app and would meet people from France, India, Uruguay, Morocco. I met a guy at a party I could talk with for a very long time. I rekindled a friendship with a friend from school - one who was one class lower than me back in school. I continued giving German classes for refugees at uni and met a nice guy who was teaching with me. I met a guy who reminded me of one of the friend from the friend group (because they were both Austrian). I’m still kind of disconnected from myself, but there are moments in which I feel close to whole again. Maybe I’m kind of wandering between versions of myself right now. I hope I find a version I can get used to liking to. Some of my friends – especially the old ones, still from kindergarten, hold on to me, even though I am so lost. What I learned from that? That you always carry an inherent value with you, simply because you are. I also reflected on so many hobbies and talents of mine while I was losing myself. Still, I always think if I hadn’t missed that opportunity to grow, I would’ve been such a dope person to be around. But maybe after all I am a cool person to be around even at my worst. Or put more positively also without being the best version of me that I imagine in my head. I hope one day I can be the best version of me. Right now, I often feel weird like this wouldn’t have happened to anyone else, and I am a weird person. But then I look at the people I admire, and I think most of them haven’t had the horrible experience I had in school and haven’t been alone for so long with such little protection, friends and support. Still, I miss my old self. The one who would always be on her own side, comforting herself and vibing on her one – back when I was still socially anxious, I still had a lot of fun on my own, just hanging out with myself, vibing to music, writing stories, doing sports, sitting at the bank of a river looking at nature. Now I’m often back in the area I used to go to school at, playing tennis with my dad in a hall near school. And I think I came far, but still little, not enough for myself, I would have loved to take the leap, belong in different friend groups, go to Italy, road trip there with friends… I am kind of mourning the person I could have been these days. But then there are other days when I think all this must be good for something. Or at least I can make the best out of it. Learn to be patient. Resilient. Forgiving. If I can truly forgive myself, accept myself fully and love myself truly, then I could be unbreakable. Even though my therapist says we’re all always vulnerable. I certainly hope I find more hope. And can lose some of that sadness I carry around these days. Maybe I can lose the sadness step by step, day by day. And then maybe I will bloom again. I have projects I want to work on. I want to be a journalist, at least for a while. Or work on the radio in Ireland (because I’ve been there right after school for some time and really loved the experience). Maybe I will fall in love this year. I’m planning to go on an Interrail trip on my own, but visit some friends who are spending their semester abroad at the moment. I still think I messed up my timeline, but maybe I can create a new one. Slowly lose the past (the experience at school) and move towards the future, with a new shot at forming new relationships and evolving, creating a new relationship with myself. Maybe that’s all I had needed after all. More space between my transformation. I really hope I get where I want to be. At least I think now I can create another timeline, a new path for me to step onto and come out great. Maybe I can make my setback make sense. Sport helps a lot with the negative thoughts I sometimes still have, those where I think I missed my shot at being who I wanted to be. But I really believe in patience, that these feelings will move by, like a cloud. Because as I said, I get these moments of hope and some sort of clarity amidst the supposedly perceived chaos. I still have dreams. I still have some friends from last year at uni I cook with regularly now and with whom I’ve been able to create a stronger, more warm bond. I guess I’m still getting used to the in-between moments right now, between being alone and being with friends, being amidst a large group of people. And maybe I will be fine. Maybe even by summer. I really hope so. And at the moment, I believe I will be. And that’s really all that matters to me right now.