Oh, The Irony...

No.

That’s the first thing I say whenever I think of trying something new, or when someone asks me to try something new. I mean, why bother if it’s not necessary, right? Like the greatest saying of all time goes: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I’ve always wondered who was the scholar to come up with that brilliance (but I never managed to find out, bummer). Yet, here I am: I find myself in the midst of breaking this rule I have always proudly lived by. Please, allow me tell you all about it.

I always thought this was something I would never ever do. It’s not something that I ever thought was in my DNA, I never thought that I would ever dare go this far. But by now I have seen it done, and it looked like something scary, terrifying, and completely alien to me. I could never understand why some people end up doing it; and in spite of that, I am now ready (well, readyish) to take the plunge (although I can’t seem to move past simply acting like a statue unable to move a single muscle in my body).

I feel like a complete hypocrite... How did I get here? What force of nature propelled me in this direction? How did I let myself get this far? Why did I let myself get this far? I don’t think I have what it takes. Do I? My palms are glistening, and… what’s that shrieking whistle? Something’s trying to come out of my chest, and I don’t even know if the colors my eyes are seeing are the colors that are actually there. Geez, I wish my body would stop screaming.

I’ve done my research, mind you. I wouldn’t dare go this far and just wing it. If I’m going to do this, I better do it right. There is no second chance, and once it’s done, it’s done. And I might be done, too, if I’m not careful. Sure, my momma used to tell me life is full of second chances, but since she’s been in prison for the last fifteen years with no prospect of parole, well, let’s just say her piece of advice hasn’t resonated with me as she intended. So, in my honest opinion, this is the one and only chance I’ll ever get. Yes, you can call me a drama queen, see if I care.

This thing needs precision, finesse even, but my cloudy eyes are in the way. Everything is ready, I should just do it, and yet my feet direct me towards the window, away from the action. I peek out and take a much-needed deep breath. Breathe in... Breathe out… Breathe in... Breathe out. Yes, some oxygen will do the trick. I got this. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it…

Can I? Enough! I’ve done my research, I’ve seen it done. Yes, I can do this. I must! Refreshed, I go back, but I start staring again, not yet ready to just do it and get it over with. After much consideration, I have come to the realization that there is a reason for this, why I let myself get into this tricky situation. So, do you want to guess? Go ahead, think, but think thoroughly, don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind. Say, what is one of the main reasons anybody does anything? Or everything, maybe? Yes, you guessed it right, it’s exactly what you are thinking. Not money, not power, but the biggest reason of them all…

Exactly, they say love makes you do crazy things, and I’m here to tell you in this precise moment in time that that is undoubtedly and terrifyingly correct. I mean, just look at me! Who would have thought? My trembling hands are about to get dirty, and once it’s done, I’ll probably never be the same again. What will everyone think of me? Will they ever see me with the same eyes again? Will they judge me? Well, if they find out, that is. I have to be careful so that they won’t. Although, actually, there is only one person who will indeed find out, and they are about to get here, so I better get my tools ready. The element of surprise is my friend; I have to keep it on my side, so I must be prepared. No more wallowing, no more doubting myself, no more distractions, no more ruminating.

But what if I fail? What if it doesn’t work out? What if, what if, what if... I can see my body backtracking once again; I can hear the air coming in and out of my body. Is this room twirling? I plummet on a nearby chair, close my eyes, and start inhaling and exhaling slowly but steady; and I keep doing it until the room is still once again. The worst part of anything is the wait; not that uncertainty is far behind, mind you. One could even argue both things go hand in hand, or at least they are like… cousins, so to speak. Will I let them ruin my plans? It took everything in me to make the decision to commit to carrying out this heinous act. I simply must see it through.

I go delve into the steps in my head once again. I force my body up the chair, put one foot in front of the other, moving inch by inch closer to where the unforeseen action will take place. But just thinking about the mess I will leave behind, all the things that I’ll have to do and use to make sure everything is as immaculate as it was before, well… it creates a carousel in my mind that goes round and round and round. And it only gets louder and louder.

But I must do it, I will do it. For love. Yes, L-O-V-E.

So, begrudgingly, defeated, I finally pick up the knife, shaking, sweating, but determined.

Now… where’s that onion?