Shadows

The purple wall seemed to glare back at Cassie as she sat on the edge of the bed. She ran her hand mindlessly over the bedspread as she wondered what she had been thinking when she had stubbornly fought for this colour in their bedroom.

Luke had agreed to the feature wall colour, but he had never liked it. They had compromised on the shade of purple and it was darker than she had wanted. She had tried to get him to give in on the shade being darker, but he would not budge on it. She had accused him of being moody like the wall colour. He had just laughed at her “As if a wall can be moody” and had left the room laughing. His laugh was deep and rich, and it was never far away, often bubbling up at the most ridiculous things. Luke loved his life, he loved people, he was always helping someone with something and it often included laughter. He was one of those people whose joy was infectious.

There was no deep laughter now, no banter. No joy. That was Luke, and there was no Luke.

The colour seemed to deepen as she stared at the wall, it turned ominously dark. The late afternoon sunlight cast eerie shadows that danced the length of the wall. The shadows seeming to reach out at her like claws wanting to grasp her and drag her in to them. She knew it was the light, but there! That long streak moved! That one over there did too. The claws left the wall and extended out, a long finger of darkness curling up and beckoning her forward.

Cassie stood; she felt an overwhelming urge to go to the wall. She walked over and sank against the hard façade. She was overwhelmingly tired. The emotional pain had at times become physical pian. She felt it in her bones, her stomach cramped, and her eyes stung from tears that felt like they never stopped. The darkness followed her like a yawning chasm.

Cassie sagged down and let the claws pull her in. Darkness enclosed her but instead of feeling intimidating or frightening her, it felt familiar, almost safe. She knew darkness, she was spending so much time in the dark or rather more accurately living with the absence of light, that it no longer felt oppressive. In fact, she felt nothing but constant pain and despair. Sinking into it, letting it envelope her felt right.

Some days the grief felt overwhelming. She just wanted to lay down and not wake up. Not have to face the pain and loneliness and the prospect of life without Luke. The despair felt tangible like something she could pick up and hold. There was such a visceral quality to her grief, it morphed into physical pain, tight muscles and cramps and headaches that just would not stop at times. She used to be happy and carefree and funny! Now she was shadowed and dark and no fun and now she was being swallowed by gloom, living in shadows.

She knew her friends and family were worried about her. They did not say it outright but some of her friends were ready for her to cast off her grief, it had been two months since Luke’s death and she needed to get back to ‘normal’ life, to carry on and come out of the intense depression of it. She could see it in their faces, hear it in their voices and some of the things they said. For them it had been two months, for her it had only been two months.

Luke had been the light of her life, the joy, the laughter. He had been out getting her croissants on that Sunday morning, because she had felt like them and he always made an effort like that. To do the little things, just to make her happy. It had been raining heavily but that had not worried him, he had kissed her and told her to get the coffee ready and he had walked out the door and had never returned. The police said the driver of the car had been going too fast for the conditions of the road and not been able to stop in time. Luke had died instantly and of that she was glad. He had not suffered. He was an organ donor so his death had saved others, and Cassie knew he would have been proud that his death made a difference, because that’s how he lived his life, helping anyone who needed help.

Light began to impinge on the dark and the faint sound of singing reached her ears. It was a Christmas carol, but that was wrong, this is August not December. No one should be carolling in August. Cassie could never understand the concept of Christmas in July, but it was at least a socially accepted happening, but no one would consider carols in august an even faintly rational idea.

“Deck the halls with boughs of Holly” Lukes deep voice sang the refrain.

Tears pricked Cassie’s eyes. She had loved listening to Luke sing. He loved the Christmas season and loved singing Christmas carols. He had a wonderful voice, easy to listen to and relax into.

The darkness settled around Cassie like a shawl around her shoulders. Light filled the void left by the receding of the darkness and she could see a Christmas tree and Luke standing in front of it decorating it with baubles and singing. Cassie saw herself come into the room, it was their lounge room, she walked over to Luke and handed him the star for the top of the tree. He kissed her nose, reached up and settled the star on top of the tree. They had made dinner together and then sat on the floor almost up against the tree branches and sang together. They put on A Miracle on 34^th Street and watched it, falling asleep under the tree on Christmas eve. It had been so sweet and had become their tradition.

The room faded and was replaced with Luke mowing the lawn. Cassie smiled, knowing what was coming. She saw herself appear at the doorway of their home, saw Luke look up and spot her watching him. He left the mower to idle while he stepped away from it and took off his shirt and swung it around his head and then motioned doing the same with his pants in what would have become a striptease on the front lawn. Cassie saw herself giggling and motioning him to stop while she turned to shut the door to end the show for the neighbours. She had laughed so much at his antics.

Memories filed in one by one and Cassie watched them with tears rolling down her cheeks. Her life with Luke, played out like it was on a movie screen. Like an audience member, she laughed, she cried, she put her hands to her heart and felt deeply. Cassie drank in every moment, cherishing what she saw.

Their wedding, the looks, the kiss as they were announced Mr and Mrs Porter, their first dance as man and wife.

Standing in front of the for-sale sign of their new home. Luke had relished the home renovations that followed. The trips to the emergency department had not been as many as they had joked about there being.

Their holidays together, walking on the beach holding hands, drinking cocktails with crazy names under skies so starry their eyes almost hurt looking at the beauty of them, Whispered I love yous’ and long slow kisses on beaches, climbing mountains, in small villages and wooded landscapes with beautiful waterfalls. They had loved to travel. “Cassie you could not possibly have any more flyer points” Luke had laughed one year when he had found Cassie poring over travel websites looking for their next holiday.

Light flickered and darkness encroached.

“No please no!”, Cassie screamed. “Don’t please don’t end!”

Cassie could see Luke looking at her. She watched as he walked toward her and stopped in front of her. Luke put his hands up and cradled her face.

“I am always here Cass” He laid his hand on her chest over her heart. “This is where I’m kept now, forever held in your love. Always here in your memories, that’s where I live on.”

Luke moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her, his strong hands resting on her stomach. “Don’t let me get lost in grief and swallowed by pain, let me roam free in your memories and make you smile like I did in life. Let me live on in you”. He gently squeezed her tummy and let her go to once again stand in front of her.

“Even when you can’t see your toes Babe” Luke faded from her view and the darkness enveloped Cassie once again.

Cassie opened her eyes and knew she was in a hospital room. She did not remember getting here, she remembered being in her bedroom looking at the purple wall and thinking about Luke. She remembered sitting against the wall and wanting it to absorb her, to take her from the pain. She saw Luke! She saw memories from their life together and she felt him hold her, talk to her. She wanted to close her eyes and go back, back to the purple wall and let her sink into it again, to see, hear and feel Luke again.

A doctor walked in, a nurse in brightly coloured scrubs with rainbows all over them followed him closely.

“Hello Mrs Porter” he addressed her “I’m doctor Smythe, do you know why you were brought here?”

“No. I just opened my eyes, and I was here. Who brought me in?”

“Your sister-in-law Jesse. She found you unconscious on the floor of your bedroom and called an ambulance. We have done some tests and I want to ask you some questions while we wait for results if that’s okay?” he paused.

“Yes of course, that’s fine but I’m not sure I can tell you much as I don’t remember”

“It is more general health actually. Have you been eating properly? Have you ever passed out before? Are there any current diagnosis we need to be aware of, any new medications you have started?”

Cassie had not been eating properly or sometimes at all she told him. She had never passed out and she had no health conditions. His brow furrowed.

“Do you have blood pressure problems or have you been experiencing anything like palpitations or a racing heart beat?”

Cassie told him she did not.

“I am aware your husband recently passed away; I am sorry for your loss Mrs Porter. This must be an extremely difficult time for you. Depression can be a part of grief, this is normal, sadness and hopelessness for a period of time are perfectly normal. Sometimes depression can cause a person to pass out. Can you tell me how you have been coping?

“I have just been feeling so sad all the time. I sometimes think it is all so pointless being here, going on like nothing happened like he doesn’t matter; the world just carries on like he was never here. It’s so unfair.” Cassie felt the outburst in every fibre of her being, tears welled in her eyes, and she said” I’m sorry doctor, I’m just so tired, so very tired and drained.” the doctor could respond anther nurse came in to the room and motioned for him to step aside with her. She handed him some papers and spoke to him, but Cassie could not hear what was being said.

 When he approached the bed once again there was no furrowed brow. There was a slight smile.

Mrs Porter, I have your blood test results and it seems that we may have an answer to why you passed out. The ECG readings were good and show no concerns for your heart. Your vital signs have been good. You are however anaemic. You are also pregnant Mrs Porter. We will need to perform a scan to establish how far pregnant you are and to inform what we need to do in terms of regular check-ups, and we need to establish a good eating pattern for the health of you and your baby and of course we will treat and monitor the anaemia. Passing out may be a combination of not eating properly, the depression you have been experiencing and of course the anaemia and pregnancy. Congratulations Mrs Porter, how do you feel about this news?”

Cassie had sat up straight when they had come into the room, but now she flopped back against the pillows. Pregnant! She started to cry but she assured the doctor that they were tears of happiness and incredulity.

“Even when you can’t see your toes babe” she whispered. They had talked about starting a family and Cassie had said to Luke that he would not love her if she puffed up like a balloon and he had told her he would, even when she could not see her toes.

She did not know what had happened while she was passed out, but it felt real.

She felt that she had a message from Luke to go on living, to honour his memory by living a good life and enjoying the memories of their time together. Now she has a gift that will change her life forever- a part of him to love and nurture and live for.

This is amazing Doctor Smythe, I’m going to be fine, better than fine. She touched her stomach “We are going to be just fine, there are no more shadows only good memories.”