My Conscious Mind

Hi Julie, it’s me that voice in your head.  You are going through a lot right now aren’t you.  I  feel your pain, literally.  Sure it’s not easy,  come on you know I know your secret.  Or should I say our secret.  I have heard your thoughts as you struggle to deal with this secret.  In fact I am your thoughts,  at least I think I am.  Looks like I am trying to psychoanalyse myself again.  Have to stop overdoing that.  So back to this secret,  no your feelings are not stupid and you have a right to be upset.  You have been disappointed to put it mildly.  Okay, so here goes I’m going to say it out loud.  You/we love a man who doesn’t feel the same way.  

Unrequited love,  in movies the character who is faced with unrequited love finds a solution.  Remember that scene in Love Actually?  You know the one I am talking about when Mark says enough, after revealing his feelings for Juliet.  A solution.  We both know saying enough doesn’t work.  Yeah, I heard you tried it. You learnt that unrequited love is nothing like the movies.  I would go as far to say, that any type love is not like the movies.

So what are we going to do?  The million dollar question.  I honestly can say I don’t know.  I have seen you struggle with various attempts to change how you feel.  None have worked. So why am I talking to you then?  Honestly I am sick of you thinking about changing your feelings, sick of you daydream about him.  Do you really believe a kiss from him would make your heart soar?  Remember your first kiss, now that was a heart soaring moment.  Oh yes; Michaels lips, so delicious.   Then; Michael had that unique ability to make women go wild.  

You saw how Michael knew to make women go crazy.  He was somewhat like Dionysus, the Greek God of wine, fertility and ritual madness.   Driving his followers, the Maenads into an ecstatic frenzy. Remember the time, he posed for those pictures you took.  He was being goofy in a playful manner.  He then said through a hint of a smile, “Don’t take ugly photos of me”. 

Then you feel into his trap and said “Oh no Michael, there never could be an ugly photo of you”

I know you miss him, his passing was extremely painful.  He wasn’t just the lead singer of your all time favourite band.  He was someone who indirectly and directly taught you that you are a woman.  Filled with needs and wants.  Cold shower time.   

You grew up with him and the band.  You had many fond memories of not just Michael but the other five.  Though I don’t think ‘other five’ is the best way to describe them.  They’re more than that.  They showed you kindness, caring and they made you laugh.  You smile whenever you see them.  We are so thrilled they all found happiness. 

It’s nice having such good memories.  We remember so many good memories you have.  From your favourite band to traveling.  I must say it hasn’t been much fun at the moment with Covid.  So you can’t travel.  Still it is only a short time.  Soon we will have aeroplanes in the sky.  You will see new places, visit old ones.

Stop it, I hear you.  I hear you thinking about your memories of him.  The way he smiled at you, how he smelt when you hugged.  They should be just a brief moment in time. Nothing more.   Sure he was nice to you, he never expressed any interest in you; did he?

I know you wish you could tell someone this secret,  however you fear they will think you a fool.  I know you think yourself a fool sometimes.  Talking it over with someone,  is it going to change your feelings.  I think it’s just getting off your chest.  However you forget you have me.

I am a great listener, sure I do like to talk. I can sit back and listen, just try me.  No judgements. Maybe a little judgement,  I know about that daydream you had about going to where he works and sitting in your car just to watch him go to his.   I am proud you won’t go over and talk to him.  I just don’t want you turning into some crazy stalker lady.  It is not you,  it is not who you are. 

We both know who you are, a kind, caring person.  You love nothing more than making some people feel good and happy.  I say some because we have seen there are mean and nasty people in this world.  I know you can be a bitch,  however I know you this way, on your terms.  If someone hurts or upsets you, family, friends or someone vulnerable you hit back.  You try and treat those that caused the meanest with a bit of respect.  Then of course it depends what they have done.  There are some in the community that have committed such horrible acts against someone.   I know you send them bad energy.  You want them to feel pain, you want them to suffer like how they treated their victims.

Come on, this is getting depressing.   We need to get back to what we are going to do?  When we don’t know what to do?   Maybe just do nothing.  Let it die a natural death.  In the meantime,  when you think of him; let it go.  Watch a movie,  study, read, write.  There are so many areas you/we can be more productive.    Oh; look Speed has just come on.  I know you like Keanu Reeves, with his soft brown eyes and unique yet sexy voice.    Of course Speed is a great movie, it’s your favourite film of Keanus.  So it is time to bid you, a fond farewell.  No that’s not right.  More like we will talk or listen soon.  In fact sooner than you think. Ha ha ha.  I hope my advice was helpful.  I will always be here for you.  I’m not going anywhere.