not a hero, after all

*trigger warning for light violence*

Superheroes don’t have their own websites, but if they did, my bio would have read: “Flight girl by day. Bookworm by night.”

I’m Vayu, flight girl, and I never let anything get in the way of my missions… usually.

The day I met him, I didn’t know it would be sooo easy.

Earlier, I’d had a meeting with my boss, Ko, to discuss “something,” my pager vaguely read.

Ko opened the door of her office herself when I knocked.

“Welcome,” her deep, gravelly voice resounded. Ko wore her regular purple bodysuit. Once again, I felt a wave of awe at her power as I slipped into the room with its glass windows overlooking the city. The wide space was clean and minimalistic. The entire building itself was hidden from others, the people we were to protect. To serve, only.

It seemed like something shimmered around Ko as she turned on her heel and walked to the desk that sat in the room with long, even strides.

“I’ll keep this short,” she quipped, turning around and twisting open a lipstick container with her long fingers. She quickly swiped the lipstick over her mouth, and then stopped to stare at me.

I swallowed, hands behind my back as I stood in the firmest stance I could muster. I tilted my head up. Have I failed at something?

“I want to congratulate you, Vayu,” she said in a low voice, slightly bending her head towards me.

I exhaled. “Thank you,” I began, breathing. So she wasn’t angry with me, after all.

She held up a hand to interrupt. “I want you to infiltrate the other vaults,” she continued. She leaned over the computer that sat on her desk. I heard clicking as she typed on its keyboard. “There are five others. The rest of the instructions I am currently sending to you.” There was a loud click, and Ko brought up her hand from the keyboard.

A look of fear crossed my eyes as I blinked. Aren’t the city’s vaults a death trap? I briefly recalled yesterday’s nearly fatal fight.

Ko walked towards me and stood to face me.

I looked into her face as she spoke.

“Locate the other vaults. Gain the smugglers’ trust. Report the leaders’ identities to me, then strike.” With each sentence, my heart thudded.

“You can do this,” and Ko held up her pointer finger, “Just don’t let –anything– stop you.”

I looked down at her finger, then up at her gaze.

I slowly nodded. I understood. I couldn’t let fear cloud my vision or, worse, get distracted. “I won’t,” I whispered.

But I did. And that was my mistake.

***

I swooped into the dimly lit bar shaded by blue light among screams from onlookers. Skidding to a stop, my feet landed to rest on top of a wooden table, where a burly mime artist sat. His big eyes, crusted with navy blue eyeliner that streaked down his cheeks, regarded me with suspicion.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Davalos,” I spat out his name. The bar had fallen silent. Mime Davalos sat there without moving. “I know you’re the leader of the blue vault,” I said, and he suddenly lunged for my legs.

Anticipating the move, I brought up my feet, hovering above the table for a micro second before slamming my feet into his forehead. Mime Davalos flew back into the back of the bar, head lolling.

I brought my wrist close to my mouth and pressed a button. “Got ‘im,” I said. “They know we’re onto them.”

The voice that responded whined. “Doesn’t count,” my friend, Quinley, said. “You already knew its location!”

I huffed. “Fine. But wait until I get to the other vaults.” I watched as people began to scramble out of the bar amidst shouts, looking back at me with looks of fear.

“Other vaults?!” Quinley sounded incredulous. “You got commissioned—”

A couple men in blue suits appeared through a side door, stalking in line towards me as I hovered in the air.

“Gotta go,” I cut Quinley off, and I gathered the air around me, wind swirling as I prepared for my next fight.

***

That evening, I found myself at a local coffee shop. It was located on the second corner of Maine St., in the shadows of the south end of the city. It was a place where I knew people wouldn’t disturb me, wouldn’t know me by my voice, or build, or whatever.

I sat in a booth in the deserted shop, reading Golden Ticket, a spinoff of Rumpelstiltskin, the pages turning quickly as I soon forgot my long day.

Yes, the book was good, fast-paced, with that familiar feeling that simultaneously made me sweat for the characters’ predicaments yet also warmed me to my toes.

But it wasn’t nearly as warm as the voice that suddenly spoke above me.

“You’re into Tansy’s works?” a gentle voice asked, with a proper English accent.

I glanced up, surprised. Not too many people knew the author.

A man with an old-fashioned Hamburg hat stood there, in a formal brown suit, a little colorful kerchief peeking out of his breast pocket. The man tilted his hat towards me, to my delight. “Pardon me,” he said, smiling. “I couldn’t help but interrupt. I do love Tansy’s work.”

I stood staring up in amazement at the man for a second before quickly wiping it away from my face. “No, no,” I hurried, secretly pleased he was talking about the book, and not me, “You’re not interrupting!” I affirmed.

Soon, we found ourselves discussing not just Golden Ticket, but Tansy’s other works.

I couldn’t help it. We ended up talking for an hour. Tansy always puts such delightful twists on classic fairy tales.

The clock ticked towards 11 pm, and when the barista let us know that she was sorry, but the shop was closing soon, “Date??” I laughed, throwing my head in the air. I nonchalantly left my hands perched in the middle of the table, but felt my face grow hot. “I don’t know about that…” My voice grew serious, and my eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry, but what did you say your name was?”

He laughed, his eyes twinkling. “What is your name?” he countered, smiling.

I quickly looked away, suddenly clenching my arms to myself. Did he have to know? I looked back at him with a half-smile. “Call me V,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow. “V?” The question teetered on his lips before he broke into a grin. “My name is J!”

I snorted, then held out a hand. “Jay it is, then,” I said. And we shook. We both gave a little laugh before we caught each other’s eyes. I quickly looked away, uncomfortable.

There was a small silence, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see he had slipped me a piece of paper.

“44,” he said, giving me a curious glance as he rose out of the booth and stood. “It’s the area code of my phone number. UK, you know,” and he tilted his hat, smiled, then slipped out the door.

I sat there staring after this Tansy fan, this Hamburg hat owner, this man who didn’t know my name.

I couldn’t help it.

We went on a date (or a second).

And another.

And another.

Jay lived in another city, 2 hrs away, which (apart from the fact that he was visiting the United States) explained why he didn’t know me. At all.

I liked it that way. I always found reasons to go to his city instead of mine.

2 weeks later, while he was ordering coffee at a shop in between our cities, out of curiosity, I twisted around the newspaper thrown casually across the diner table. “WHERE HAS VAYU BEEN?” one of the smaller headlines on the front page read. Glancing around, I crumpled the newspaper into my handbag.

“Something wrong?” Jay asked, a look of concern on his face, as he approached. I weakly returned a smile, quickly looking away.

“This shop is a little hot,” I said, “Let’s go to the park near your place.”

* * *

The next day was the first time I lied to Ko.

“Tell me,” she asked, back turned from me, “why you haven’t infiltrated any of the vaults.”

“I…I… injured my thigh,” I said, wincing and reaching down to touch my leg, although she couldn’t see me. “I apologize. I…I will try to be more on top of it.”

Ko faced the glass windows opposite me, staring out into the city.

“I must inform you,” she began, in that deep, gravelly voice. My heart thudded. Did she know about Jay?

She continued, “Our spies have told me that the red vault is connected to a major point in the city. Its leader knows we are hunting them down.”

For the first time since I entered her office, when Ko turned, I saw that she was fuming, which explained why she didn’t catch my lie. “They will blow up the red vault by the end of the month, potentially causing the death of many civilians. You must stop them.”

In my mind, I could see Jay tilting his Hamburg hat to me in the greeting he often gave me. I will have to tell him that work is stressful.

“I’ll try my best,” I nervously swallowed.

After the 2-hour drive to Jay’s city that evening, I brought my work laptop with me. Jay and I slowly typed in silence, he with his work, and I researching possible locations of the red vault, under the lights of a 24-hr diner.

Jay said he had to go to the bathroom, and as he walked past me, I quickly switched tabs and opened my online library.

I heard laughter later as I was skimming a book.

“Not focusing, are you?” Jay said, straightening, regarding me with amusement.

I returned his laugh with a nervous little laugh of my own, not looking at him. “I guess not.”

“What, exactly, was Tobias’ secret? What couldn’t he tell his lover, Amalia? I’ve always pondered these questions!”

I swivelled in my chair to look at him. “You’ve read this book?” I said, a look of surprise etched on my face. “I’ve wondered so, too!”

And that’s how the conversation started, and how I forgot all about the fact that the red vault was underground, at the biggest train station in the city.

Certainly a dangerous crisis, but not as much as Jay.

The diner slowly emptied of people, and as Jay and I laughed and speculated about Tansy’s characters, we sipped milkshakes. I ignored the looming deadline hovering over me.

Needless to say, I didn’t get anything done the rest of the night.

There were 10 days left until the end of August, and I had no plan for how I would infiltrate the red vault.

5 Days until the End of August.

The screen stared at us in the dusk. None of the channels were nearly as interesting as the blushing sky outside.

Channels flicked past as Jay and I continued to stare at the screen: a cooking contest, jeopardy, a snail documentary.

I glanced into Jay’s face. “One day, you’ll have to tell me what your actual name is.”

Jay looked at me. “We both have buried secrets,” he began, slowly. He looked back at the screen. “I have something to tell you.” He pointed the remote at the TV.

Superman shot by on the screen amidst a hyped soundtrack.

“UGH! Not that one, please,” I begged.

Jay raised an eyebrow at me before the screen went dark as he turned off the TV.

“Seems we can’t find a good show,” he said in a low voice.

I was going to say something cheesy when he spoke. The seriousness in his voice made me hold my tongue.

“You aren’t the only one who hates superheroes,” he said.

I froze for a second.

Hate? I could have said. I don’t hate them.

“This may shock you a little, but you need to know,” Jay said in a quiet tone.

I made a small sound that sounded like, “Ok.”

“My father died in a superhero freak accident,” Jay suddenly said. There was bitterness in his voice. “My family was forgotten. It was like it had never happened.”

I could hear the sounds of the city below his apartment in the silence that followed. My heart thudded in the dark.

“I remember the day you got rid of that newspaper on that coffee shop table,” he said. “You pretended like it didn’t matter, but it did.”

Jay looked out into the apartment, and I couldn’t see the expression on his face, for there was no light.

“Those superheroes, Vayu and all the rest—they think they’re special, but they’re not,” he spat. “They’re products of the government, and they’re not chosen for any good reason. It’s not like we don’t matter, too.”

Something inside of me was gasping and constricting. My airway felt tight.

“I…I’m sorry,” I choked. I had to say something. “I didn’t know.” The last sentence I said in the smallest voice; I didn’t think he heard.

Trying not to seem rushed, I stood up. “I must go!” I announced. “Sorry.” My face was twisted, and again, I was glad for the dark.

I snatched my bag and raced out the door.

4 Days until the End of August

Not the hero.

Not the hero.

Not the hero.

And,

What have I done? Echoed in my mind as my temples throbbed.

As I closed my eyes, I could see the flash of reporters’ cameras as they clicked madly after another showdown. I let the flashes play over and over until they could subside. A soft breeze brushed my hair and arms where I stood on top of the city building.

I felt a buzzing in my back pocket and pulled out my pager.

Ko: Meeting. NOW.

I hesitated, holding the pager for a minute, before it buzzed again. For a second, I stood there, unsure of what to do.

It was true, I hadn’t been born with my powers. They were handed to me. I had always been taught to use my flight powers carefully, but I had never stopped to consider the lives that weren’t saved. The people who weren’t considered heroes, but were.

My pager buzzed again. And again.

With a yell of anger, I raised my arm, hurling the pager with all my might, and it flew up into the sky, a tiny black speck that went up before falling down the building’s side.

For the first time in weeks, I tilted my head up to the sky, willing my body to hurl itself up into nothingness. I shot into the clouds, scanning the city.

He wasn’t mine to have, but maybe these powers weren’t mine to have, either.

The wind screamed past my ears, hair flying, the coolness of the clouds making my face damp. I hurled towards Jay’s city. I had to, at least, tell him the truth.

The splattering of skyscrapers grew larger. As I reached them, I angled my body, twisting in between the buildings, finally hovering over one and softly landing on the textured roof: Jay’s apartment building. My feet came to a stop.

But I wasn’t alone.

“I thought I would find you here,” a voice cut through the wind.

I whipped around.

Jay stood at the other end of the roof quietly.

I gasped. Ever since I had last seen him, I had shut my phone off, refusing to stare at any unanswered calls. “I’m sorry!” I choked. “But there is something I have to tell you.”

Jay surveyed me with eyes that were quiet, unanswering. I wanted to reach out, pull him to me, and tell him I was broken, too, for the ones he had lost… but I restrained myself. Not now, Vayu.

Taking a deep breath, I spoke. “Things aren’t always as they seem,” I began, but Jay interrupted.

“Vayu,” he murmured.

“Yes,” I started, “I’m sorry,” I said again.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said, his voice cold. “I didn’t know.” And Jay held up a gun, pointing it at me.

I almost stumbled backward in shock, staring at him in the face. My powers felt drained from me; the wind wouldn’t respond to my call as I remained there, wanting to hold up a hand and explain, perhaps also to myself, with a “wait!”

But he didn’t wait.

I heard the bangs, but didn’t feel them.

Confusion? Heartache?

I reached up to touch my left shoulder, and my fingers came away with blood. My knees hit the concrete floor, the world swimming.

There was a click of tapping shoes, and I saw the Hamburg hat floating above me. I looked up and in the blur could see the colorful little red kerchief tucked in Jay’s breast pocket.

Red, it was red.

I had found the leader of the red vault, but now it was too late.