Thank you for being there when I didn't need you

Dear Marie,

We went shopping today. I held your clothes as you tried them on. Hours passed this way, walking in and out of shops, laughing, talking and buying. Afterwards we went to the nearest McDonalds and ate. Somehow the place always brings out feelings for us. It was here you told me about your abusive mother for the first time, and it was here that I told you that I was gay. Almost every time we had been here since, it ended in deep talks and tears. This time we talked about your traumas, specifically the one with Markus. It had been a year now since that night, but you still didn’t sleep much, and when you did your dreams brought you back. I held you as you cried, but deep down I was filled with rage. How could anybody dare to abuse you? The person on this earth that I loved the most, and who had been through so much already. At that moment, all I wanted was to find Markus and break his nose for you. I would have done it if you had asked me to.

Dear Marie,

Today was amazing! We went to your house after school and watched a shitty rom-com, just like old days. I had really missed doing that with you. Do you remember when we did that once a week? That might just have been one of the best times of my life, when I saw you that often. Sometimes we simply watched the movie and ate a ton of different snacks, but other times we talked about everything and nothing. I always enjoyed those times with you. When can we do it again?

Dear Marie,

What happened today? What have I done? Why did you ignore my ‘good morning’ when you came to class today? You didn’t even look at me, and you took a seat at the other end of the room. I don’t understand. We always sit next to each other. What is different today? I guess your mother was unbearable this morning, perhaps that is why. I just don’t understand why it has to destroy me too. I sat alone at lunch today, because you were nowhere to be seen. You placed yourself as far away from me as possible, and you didn’t even look at me, and you didn’t speak a word to me. Why do you bring me down like this? 

Is it selfish of me to think that way? This might have nothing to do with me. Or perhaps I have done something terrible to you. What if you misunderstood my chat yesterday? What have I done wrong? Should I beg you for forgiveness again? Or maybe you just want to be alone…

Dear Marie,

You smilingly greeted me good morning today. You have no idea how happy that made me. My insides were jumping all around at the sight. I was so happy that you felt better today. We passed notes all the way through chemistry class, and you told me all about this guy you met at a bar this weekend. Apparently he was really handsome, but when you tried to find a picture on your phone, our teacher took it from you. That didn’t stop us though. You proceeded to describe him for me, and I had to agree, he sounded just like your type. You would be perfect for each other, and I really wanted the chance to be your wingman.

Dear Marie, 

It has been weeks since you ignored me last time, what is the reason now? I might never know, because you never tell me what happened once you begin talking to me again. But you didn’t just ignore me today. If I confront you about this later, I am sure you will deny it, but I swear on my life you told me that I was not only wrong, but stupid to think that my proposal to solve the math problem could ever be done that way. I stayed silent the rest of that class. All I wanted was to run away from you and cry for myself. I asked the teacher about it afterwards and it turns out my proposal had been right.

I don’t understand why you are like this sometimes, it has been so often recently. What happened to our happy memories?

Dear Marie,

What am I supposed to do? Why do you hurt me so violently and still expect me to be there for you every time you need it? Where were you when my girlfriend cheated? Yes, you were there the first day after and damned her to hell, but the next day you were cold again. I am tired of this. I have no idea if I have done something that hurt you or if you have your own problems today. But I needed you, and you showed me that you hated me today. This makes me wonder what kind of friend you have been all along.

Dear Marie,

I don’t understand how I could ever have doubted our friendship. You explained it all to me today. You sometimes shut people off completely, and it is out of your control. You told me you are afraid of becoming like your mother, and I told you that you are much better than her. I had been the bad friend in all of this. When you didn’t talk to me, it was because you didn’t feel that I talked to you either, and it was not like I had tried consistently. You had just really had a hard time lately and I am so so sorry that I could ever have doubted your quality as a friend. I could never live without you. You are really the best friend I have ever had.

Dear Marie,

I am not sure how much longer I can put up with you. Every day you decide my fate, if I should have a good day or if I should hate myself all day. This is not how a friendship works. You are supposed to be there for me, just as I am there for you. You are not supposed to make me want to punch the wall until I break my hand. You have so much power over me, that I seem to forget your shadow sides every time you are nice to me.

Dear Marie,

It has been a long time since we have gone to our usual McDonalds to talk, but I am beginning not to miss it. I have begun to notice the details in the way you speak. Today I detected four lies and five too many compliments to people you barely know, all the while you have ignored me or snapped at me all day. I am tired of being treated like this. You tried to teach me to stand up for myself, to grow a spine. Don’t mind if I carve out the spine you built for me and hit you in the face with it. I want to grow my own spine. One that does not serve you, but my mental health.

Dear Marie,

Goodbye. Looking back we had many good days. But so many bad ones as well. You made me hate myself and I am certain you had a role in my recent anxiety issues. You are not good for me. I am a slave to your mood and I am done with it. You can do whatever you want after this, but do not try to get our friendship back, if you are not willing to work with a professional to treat people like me better. When I look back all I can see now are manipulative moves from you. I cannot look you in the eye and see the person I saw in you two years ago. You have destroyed me, and once we have graduated I will be gone. I am sorry. But I have more respect for myself than to stay at your side. I hope you understand, but I know that you won’t. 

Goodbye, and good luck in the future. 

I wish you all the best,

Carina