A Secret That He Held

jan 05

it works, i swear it does

it calms me

it soothes me

it helps me to sleep

jan 07

only my siblings can see it

the thing that helps me

they can see the effects it has on my body

they can see the eye bags

and the sallow skin

they know something

is up but they

dont know what

i cant let them find out

if they know

theyll tell pops

that cant happen

hed take it away

and that would be bad

because

need

jan 29

no one knows that ive got a hidden stash

they will never find it

i would keep it on me

at all times but

the risk of someone finding it on me

is too great

if they find it on me

then id be in some deep sh-t

feb 12

my sister hetty knows

she knowsssssssssss

and its not good

she could tell pops

and then it could be

taken

feb 25

hetty hetty hetty hetty hetty

told told told told told

ramo ramo ramo ramo ramo

d-mn d-mn d-mn d-mn d-mn

this

isnt

good

feb 29

leap year

i see a

leap year

happy birthday

leap year

came my way

after four years

oh its today

my leap year

mar 17

chocolate used to be my favourite

snack

now its the medicine that turns

my lungs and heart

black

hetty and ramo say they wont talk behind my

back

lets hope they can

keep a secret

mar 27

it feels nice

this rush through my body

its cool like ice

but the rush makes me happy

it feels alive within me

hetty and ramo are telling me that if

i dont stop i could die

i tell them that i am aware of that fact

and i tell them not to worry

once the anxiety goes away

i will stop using

i swear

apr 1

i am off

i tell them proudly

there is a look

of relief on hettys face

and a look

of ease washes over ramo

i chuckle to myself

april fools

apr 2

hetty and ramo are pissed

at me for what i did yesterday

i could understand why

i guess

but still

i thought it was funny

apr 15

my siblings are threatening to tell pops

i know that they just want to help

but telling pops would

only make things worse

i tell them again

will

stop

using

when

anxiety

goes

away

apr 29

sh-t

its not going away

i feel small and helpless

and hopeless

and alone

and lonely

but i know what can help

i reach for my medicine

head to the bathroom

and take it

within just a few minutes

i feel it working

i no longer feel

helpless

hopeless

alone

lonely

i feel alive

may 15

for beatrice:

darling

dearest

dead

that is the first dedication in

a series of unfortunate events

i am going to change it

for lucas:

darling

dearest

drugged

dead

this is probably what my siblings think

i was a

darling

i was their

dearest brother

i was

drugged

until i was

dead

may 27

six feet doesn’t sound so tall

doesnt sound so deep

doesnt sound so far

i like dark coloured wood

and deep blue satin

line me with these and

maybe a bouquet of marigolds and purple hydrangea

and plant a cypress tree above my home

id like to stare at its boughs while i sleep eternally

jun 17

its hettys birthday

so i crawled out of my room and

said some greetings

i went the whole day without using

ramo said he was proud of me

he said i should keep up the good work

What he doesn’t know is

that ive gotten extremely good

at lying directly to peoples faces

jul 29

its getting harder to keep this from pops

i think hetty is so close to telling him

that i am using

and that scares me

i promised them id stop once my anxiety and fears went away

but they havent

so i have

to keep using

aug 05

hetty says i need to stop

little does she know

if i stop

i die

and she doesnt want her

youngest brother to die

does she

aug 17

hetty and ramo tell me that they are scared for me

i laugh and say there is

nothing to be scared of

but they are serious

they are legit scared

and that scares me

my siblings

arent supposed

to be terrified

arent supposed

to be worried

arent supposed

to be losing sleep

over me

aug 29

the anxiety

the fear

the loneliness

the hopelessness

the despair

the dependence

the need

for my medicine

has

not

gone

away

sept 16

ramo told me not to lie

the 20th is his birthday

and he wants me to be there

he is having his birthday party be all boys

with the exception of

hetty

he would never exclude his twin

but he would choose to exclude

ramo says he wants me to not use that day

and i tell him

honestly

that i will try but i never said i would even be there

sept 27

ramo and hetty are pissed at me

i dont understand why

i felt sick

hetty slaps me across my face

and tells me she is going to

pops and

that it

final

Oct. 04

I am scared for my littlest brother

Luca. He says he’s fine,

but I know better. Ramone says that we should try to get him clean on our own, without worrying pops, but then I look at Lucas, and I see my little brother who was my

everything.

My joy

my love

my helper

my friend

Then I see him now.

My brother who needs

my help.

Oct. 09

I take a deep breath and think:

If I dont do this, Lucas will die

If I dont do this our siblingship as our mischievous trio will come to an end.

If I dont do this I will forever blame myself and Ramone.

If I dont do this

then I have failed my brother.

Oct. 14

I chickened out.

I cant believe I did that.

I said I wanted to help my brother, but I know that I cant

I cant help my brother by saying a few simple words.

Everytime I try,

I picture Lucas’s face full of hurt and fear.

Lucas pleads with me not to tell pops.

He is on his knees, grasping at my skirts and blouse.

He doesn’t want pops to know.

Lucas is scared, I can see it in his once sparkling grey and hazel eyes.

He doesnt want to get in trouble.

I can’t help my brother like I thought I could.

Nov. 15

Lucas hates me.

I finally did it.

I told pops. Pops was sad and angry and disappointed all at once, which made Lucas feel worse. I can see it in my little brother’s eyes.

He is upset and scared. Ramone is understanding,

He knows why, as the oldest, I had to tell pops.

I hope,

I pray,

I wish

that Lucas will find someway to

forgive me.

nov 24

hetty thinks i hate her

and maybe i do

but i know that she was

just trying to help

and i cant fault her for that

dec 29

pops has been making me go through a detox and while it seems to take the feelings away

i still feel like sh-t

jan 05

i remember why i started using

i remember why being sober was so bad

i remember the feeling of sadness and of wanting to belong to the group who were my friends at school

i remember why i liked the idea

the aesthetic of the dark clouded eyes

the sallow skin

the things it allowed me to see

and when george and mark and chase and noah ask me

at school if i want a joint

i cant say no

i want to belong in that group

want to belong with someone

because at home

i do not belong

i take it

and enjoy the feeling of holding a secret

of holding my escape

of holding

my way to belong

jan 18

ahhh

when i take a deep drag

i imagine all that

fear and

loneliness and

anxiety and

despair

just blowing away in the wind

i cant tell a living soul

so i go to my moms grave

and tell her what i did

i tell her not to tell anyone

i tell her

once my anxiety

and my fear

and my loneliness

and my despair

goes away

i will stop

its just until then moms

feb 27

i have been keeping this little secret better than the first time

hetty will never know

ramo will never know

pops will never know

and the only person who will know

is moms

mar 17

it takes more than usual to

make the bad feelings go away

but i think a little more wont hurt

thats what george and mark and chase and noah say

and they are a-okay

apr 25

hetty and ramo and pops still dont know

and i hope that they never will

it would hurt them so bad

and the cuts would run

six feet deep, like my

dark wooded coffin

With my

deep blue satin

may 18

feels

bad

going

die

will

soon

meet

moms

again

hope

that

hetty

and

ramo

and

pops

wont

hate

jul 09

i cant find any more of what

george and mark and chase and noah

gave me

i have no more and since its

the summer

i wont see them around until next school year

i need to get more

and fast

jul 12

thank the lord

praise jesus

and thank my lucky stars

i found my secret stash

i remember hiding it where no one would look

under the rug

under my bed

under the loose floorboard

under a whole lot of cotton stuffing

inside a box

i have found my escapes again

aug 01

one

last

time

one

last

dose

and

then

done

Aug. 02

Lucas

Was

Littlest

Brother

And

Now

Lost

Brother

Who

Lives

Dark Wood

And

Sleeps

Cocoon

Deep Blue Satin

Under

Wreath

Marigolds

And

Hydrangea

Under

Canopy

Cypress

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