Storm of Emotions

She feels trapped, stuck, powerless, and with every passing moment, she feels as though she can’t breathe. 

The area around herself is small, making her feel claustrophobic, even though she’s never had an issue with small spaces before. The lights are somehow both bright and dim simultaneously, and it is giving her a migraine. The buzzing is getting louder in her ears until she feels as though the sound will soon be the only thing she will ever be able to hear again. 

Her stomach is churning, her hands are shaking, and she is dangerously close to bursting into tears. 

She needs to get out of here. 

A repetitive mumbling cuts through the buzzing just enough to draw her back to the present, her cheeks flushing at the three pairs of eyes locked on her. 

“Clara?” James is pressed against her in the small booth, just as he had been before she had started to collapse in on herself. His concern is sweet and infuriating at the same time. 

Somehow, she finds the courage to glance up at the older couple sitting across from them. James’ parents have the same expression etched onto their faces as their son, making Clara’s desire to leave all the more stronger. 

“Are you alright, dear?” James’ mother, Mary, asks politely. 

“Um, yeah,” Clara says after clearing her throat. “I’m sorry. I, uh, got caught up in thinking about homework,"

“No worries,” Harold smiles at her.

James places a hand on her knee. It is an attempt at comforting her, but it has the opposite effect.

Luckily, the dinner passes quickly after her episode. Their food is brought out and she is able to focus on the exquisite food served at this fancy restaurant. A part of her feels guilty, knowing that James’ parents will insist on footing the bill, but another part of her focuses on suppressing her feelings in her delicious meal. 

It works.

Though she desperately wants to open her mouth and begin to ramble about her meaningless life to the three, just as her nerves are urging her to do, she is keeping her mouth shut unless the conversation is explicitly directed at her.

Finally, finally, the waitress comes back and asks the table if they want any dessert. For a split moment, Clara is filled with a panic. She hadn’t factored in dessert in her social outing. 

Before she can panic too much, though, the other three are all telling the waitress how they couldn’t possibly stomach another bite after the fantastic meal. 

Clara feels relief wash over her in an instant as the waitress smiles politely at them. James’ hand is still resting gently on her knee as the waitress waltzes away from their table to retrieve the check.

“Thank you so much for letting James drag you out to dinner,” Mary says to Clara. Despite her increasing anxiety, Clara can’t help but mirror the woman’s smile. 

“Thank you for inviting me,” Clara swallows against the lump in her throat. “And I’m sorry that I haven’t been myself tonight. My brain has been pretty scattered lately,”

“I’m sure it is,” Harold chuckles. “Grad school will do that to ya!”

She lets out a laugh, though there isn’t a drop of humor to be found. Any other night, she would be laughing along with him, but right now, in her state, nothing was funny. Especially when it came to graduate school. 

That’s how she got into this situation, isn’t it? 

Well, not this exact situation. Graduate school hadn’t pushed James into her life a few months ago. And graduate school definitely didn’t invite her to dinner with James and his parents tonight. However, graduate school did create the swirl of emotions within her. The same emotions that had been dormant until the moment she had slid into the booth across from James’ parents. 

The waitress is suddenly back with their bill, and as suspected, James’ parents wave her off when she insists on paying for her own meal. Mary makes a joke about it being a payment for putting up with their son, James huffs, and Harold laughs. Clara puts on a show of laughing as well, but her heart is clenching in her chest. 

Thankfully, Mary remembers she needs to tell James about some of the latest family drama as the waitress processes the payment. Clara is able to zone out, pretending to pay attention to the long winded story. By the time Harold is putting his credit card back in his wallet, Mary is staring at her son with wide eyes and saying,

“Can you believe that?” James is laughing and the sound does soothe Clara slightly. 

She tries not to make it too obvious how badly she’s been waiting for them to slide out of the booth when they get up to leave. James, the gentleman that he is, helps her into her coat. She is grateful because she’s not sure how well the simple task would have gone with how badly her hands were shaking. 

“Oh my,” Mary mutters as they step outside of the restaurant. The rain is coming down harder than it has in months, and the blowing wind is causing it to visibly slant. “Harold, I told you we should have brought an umbrella,”

Harold rolls his eyes. “We’re not far from the car, dear,”

“Well, I suppose we’ll say goodbye to here,” James says, hugging his mother and patting his father on the shoulder. “Thanks for dinner,”

“Yes, thank you,” Clara pipes up. Even in her worst state of mind, she remembers her manners. “It was delicious,”

“We’re glad you enjoyed it!” Mary beams. “This place is one of our favorites,”

“Meaning we come here a lot. It’s kind of like a test when our boys bring dates with them. If they don’t like the food, we don’t trust them,” Harold adds, winking at her. Clara smiles. 

“Look at that, you passed the test,” James smirks at her. “Just by liking food,”

“Oh, it’s more than just the food, Jamie!” Mary says, hitting him gently with the back of her hand. “We like this one,” Mary grins at Clara. “We hope to see you again, dear,”

Clara’s smile is a little more genuine. “Me too. It was so nice to meet you,”

A rumble of thunder finally forces the four to say goodbye and rush into the pouring rain to their two separate cars. 

James is so ecstatic about his parents liking her that he has no trouble filling the silence as he drives back to her apartment. He assures her multiple times during the 15 minute drive that though he was sure his parents would like her, he was glad the night went off without a hitch. 

Clara’s fingers dance impatiently as he listens to him ramble, counting the streets as they get closer and closer to her apartment. She’s moments away from breaking down and she needs to be in her safe place before that starts. 

James doesn’t need to see her at her worst when he’s so happy. 

When he pulls into the parking lot of the apartment complex and parks the car, she raises an eyebrow at him. He doesn’t notice the confused look until he’s already pulling the keys out of the ignition.

“What are you doing?”

“Walking you in?” James says, confusion altering his statement into a question. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Clara reassures. 

“Clara, you live in a terrible neighborhood,”

“It’s not that bad,” Clara insists. “Plus, you can see the door from here,” As she gestures towards the building, she winces as she realizes how hard the rain is pouring, making it basically impossible to see anything.

James unbuckles his seat-belt. “Come on,”

Clara sighs. “You’re going to get all wet,” She mutters, unbuckling her own seat belt. 

“I’d rather get soaked in this surprise downpour than to have you be kidnapped,”

“Kidnapped?” Clara asks. “That’s a little much,”

“We’ve both seen Dateline, Clara,” He says, his tone serious. “Now, do you have all your stuff? I don’t want to open the door until both of us are ready to book it to your building,” Clara grabs her purse and the Styrofoam container containing her leftovers from dinner. “Okay, on three. One, two, three!”

The couple open their doors and rush out of the car as the rain starts to drench them. Clara is a few feet in front of James, and she grasps her keys tightly in her hand as she hears James lock his car. 

A few moments later, they are protected from the rain under the small awning coming off of her apartment building. She unlocks the door and then, as she opens it, she leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek, but he’s moving to walk into the building. 

“James, you don’t have to walk me to my door,”

“Dateline, Clara,” She sighs in defeat and enters the building, James a step behind her. 

Their shoes squeak on the floor as they walk to the elevator. Clara presses the button and before she can even take a step back to wait beside James for the elevator to arrive, the doors are opening to reveal a friendly woman who lives down the hall from Clara.

They smile politely at each other as the woman makes her way out of the elevator and Clara and James enter. Clara can hear the woman mutter a curse when she notices the downpour right before the elevator doors are sliding closed. 

James and Clara wait for the elevator to rise to the 7th floor in a comfortable silence. Clare is watching the numbers as they pass the 2nd floor, heart hammering in her chest. 

Just as they pass the 4th floor, the lights flicker out and a second later, they feel the elevator jolt. James is already moving to mess with the buttons, but Clara presses herself up against the wall. 

She has seen too many movies to know what this meant.

“Damn,” James mutters, finally pulling at the emergency button, as calm as can be. “Looks like the power is out,” He turns back to Clara, his mouth turning down the moment he sees her in the dim emergency lights. “Clara? You okay?”

She starts to shake her head. “No, no, no,” She mutters before her brain finally realizes what’s happening. She rushes to the door, and despite realizing how stupid the idea is, she begins to try to pry the doors apart. “No!”

“Clara!” James exclaims, clearly surprised by the sudden change in her attitude. 

“No, no, no,”

“Clara!” He repeats, but this time, he’s grabbing at her arms, trying to stop her from hurting herself with her impossible task. 

“This can’t be happening!” Clara gasps, lifting her leg up to kick the door. She continues to pound on the doors, yelling for help as James tries to calm her. This lasts for long enough for Clara to feel her voice start to go hoarse. Eventually, she tires, and with a soft cry, she collapses on the floor. 

Well, she was supposed to collapse on the floor, but James had caught her as if he had been waiting for her to fall. 

“Clara, it’s okay,” James mutters as he holds her close. “I’m sure the power will come back on any minute now,”

“I want to go home,” She whimpers. 

“Are you claustrophobic?”

Oh, if only it was that easy. 

She shakes her head. 

“Then what’s going on?”

“I can’t-” She draws in a shaky breath, her chest tightening. “I need to be alone,”

“Well, I hate to break it to you…” James tries to joke. She lets out another sob and he winces. “Sorry, wrong time,”

“I need to be at home,” She mutters, mostly to herself. “I need to be in my bed,”

“Why?”

“I’m having a panic attack,”

“What?” James asks, blinking at her with owlish eyes. 

“I’ve been having a panic attack since dinner started,” She admits, because there’s no point in trying to hide it now that she can’t do anything to hide this part of herself from him right now. 

“What?” James repeats. “What triggered it?” 

“I don’t know,” She replies. “Sometimes I just-” She gasps for air. “Sometimes I don’t have a specific trigger. Sometimes all of my emotions just kind of boil over,”

“That’s why you weren’t yourself at dinner,” She buries her head in her hands.

“I’m sorry,”

“Hey,” The stern tone of voice makes her look back up at James. “Don’t ever apologize for a panic attack, Clara,” 

It’s her turn to blink at him. “What?”

“It’s not your fault,” James says. “I wish you would have told me. I could have driven you home,”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you. Or your parents,”

“You wouldn’t have,” He reassures, smiling softly. “We would have rescheduled,” 

Clara looks away again, guilt adding to the numerous emotions rushing through her. She should have known James and his family would have been understanding. James was one of the nicest people she had ever met, and it was clear his parents were in that category as well. 

“What do you need from me?”

“What?”

“What do you need from me? Do you want me to hold you? Or do you want me to hang out on the other side of the elevator so you can have some space? I can play some music, if you want-”

“Can you-” Clara swallows, “Can you hold me? Normally I would use my weighted blanket, but-”

James smiles and wraps his arms around her tightly. “Anything else?”

“Can you just talk? I don’t like the silence,”

“Sure thing,” He says, pressing a kiss to her head. His arms squeeze her again and the pressure makes her calm slightly. He begins to tell her some story from work, and she wants to listen, but it’s taking all of her energy to focus on his voice. She can’t focus on his words too. 

She’s not sure how long they sit like that, James holding her like she’s a teddy bear he thought he lost as he rambles on about his work shenanigans. Her breathing begins to go back to normal, and though the ache in her chest is still present, it feels easier to breathe.

James will tell her the next day that 45 minutes after the power went out, it came back on. 

Clara doesn’t notice it at first because her eyes are squeezed shut. But then the elevator jolts to life and she’s moving to look at James, who is smiling softly at her. 

“We made it,” She smiles a real smile in what seems like days. He releases her and stands up, holding out his hand to help her up. The moment she’s standing beside him, he’s wrapping his arms around her again. “How are you doing?”

“I’m a little better,” She whispers. “But it’s not over,”

“Well,” James starts, just as the elevator opens. “Now, you can go lay in your bed,”

They hurry off the elevator, but slow their pace as they walk to her door. He takes her keys for her and unlocks the door. They enter together and Clara is suddenly filled with shame. 

“Um,” She begins, the door still open. 

“Oh, sorry,” James says quickly. “I can leave-”

“No!” She says quickly. “I don’t want you to leave, but I understand if you want to. Helping a girl through a panic attack isn’t the sexiest thing-”

“Hey,” James says, eyes sparkling. “I’m just glad I was able to help you,” His eyes widen. “I was able to help you, wasn’t I?”

She smiles and nods. “Yes, James, you helped me,” She shuffles forward to close her front door. “I’m just sorry that I didn’t tell you. I’m so used to having to hide panic attacks,”

“Damn society,” James mutters, causing Clara to laugh. “Just know, you don’t have to hide panic attacks, or anything like that, from me. I may not completely understand, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to pretend to be fine,”

“Okay,” She says softly. “Thank you,”

“You don’t have to thank me for being a decent human being,” James waves off. “Now, let’s get you into bed. You go change and I’ll put your leftovers in the fridge-” James holds up the Styrofoam container she had forgotten, “-and get you some water. Do you need anything else?” When she shakes her head, he smiles and steps away from her. “Okay, we each have our assignments,” He jokes. “Go team!” He exclaims before moving into the kitchen. 

She laughs and she knows the warmness beginning to fill her has nothing to do with being in her warm apartment. 

12 minutes later, she’s in her favorite pajamas, tucked into her bed with James dotting on her. 

“James, I think you adjusted the blankets perfectly,” She smiles. “And the pillows can’t get any fluffier,”

James puts his hands up in defeat. “Okay, if you’re sure,” She nods. “Then, I’ll let you get some sleep. Let me know how you are tomorrow,”

“Wait-” She croaks out. “I was serious about wanting you to stay,”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah,” She smirks. “And it’s not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before,”

“Look at you with your jokes,” James chuckles. 

She rolls her eyes and snuggles in deeper as James strips off his jeans and shirt. He’s left in his boxers and a white undershirt. He slides under her covers, but is careful to leave the weighted blanket solely on her. Then, he talks to her until she’s actually tired, helping her keep her mind off her emotions. 

The last thought she has before she falls asleep is how she’s pretty sure she’s in love with him.