Bad Habits

Procrastinating has always been a bad habit of mine. Even in making big decisions like this, I’d leave it to the last minute. I looked at perhaps the thickest books I’ve ever seen stacked on my desk. Algebra, calculus, trigonometry - most people get dizzy just thinking about the numbers and equations that fill up the pages of these books. Even I am tired of memorizing each and every formula that the math lords have bestowed upon us. The semester is ending but I still haven’t decided if I really wanted to change my course. My father was a professor in math and my mom a researcher so I’d obviously take the path of the sciences as well right? The expectations were high and math was something I was excellent at as a kid so naturally, I chose to pursue mathematics and become a teacher as well - the safe choice for me.

Staying within my comfort zone adds to my list of bad habits. I never wanted to explore new things because instability and change were my greatest fears. Back in high school, we had clubs that we had to join. Refusing to step out of this personal box of mine, I chose the mathematics club. It was, of course, all about math and solving equations every day which I didn’t mind since I was good at it. I liked getting that feeling of satisfaction after understanding a problem and getting the right answer. When I got tired of having to solve equations every day, I used to convince myself that numbers held answers to the universe - what a way to romanticize math, right? That’s how I carried on to choose math for every single year in high school and eventually all the way to college.

Despite that, I found myself sitting in this room full of people who had eyes that looked like they were shooting lasers. They weren’t intimidating, they looked like they were so full of passion - I envied that. Music. It was so different from what I was used to doing - definitely out of my comfort zone. When my friends asked me why I chose to join the music club, I couldn’t give a straight answer. I was pretty embarrassed that I chose it because I didn’t really have a choice - my friend practically begged me to join it with her. That’s another bad habit of mine. I can’t say no. 

One day, I was quite early for our meeting. The corridors were silent but the door to the music room was slightly ajar. I took my precious time walking through the corridors as a tune played. It got louder and louder as I approached the room. It was a song I had never really heard of but somehow it warmed my heart as if it was a lullaby i drifted to sleep with every night. I stood by the door, and closed my eyes as I quietly listened. I had eventually made it a part of my schedule to go to the music room early and stand by the door. I soon found out that the song was an original composition by one of the seniors I admired. He was one of the most passionate people when it came to music. He once said in class that he draws inspiration from anything and everything when writing his songs. I found that so cool. After a few months, I started making my own music as well. It was a different kind of excitement when I plucked the strings of the guitar compared to when I solved equations. I came to like the notes on the music sheets better than the numbers in equations. Music became a big part of my life, and that song made me love it even more.

A few years later and here I am, still confused but mostly scared about what to do with my future. A sigh unconsciously left my mouth as my eyes drifted from my math books to the dusty guitar I had in the corner of my room. I left the music club a few months ago. I had to focus on my exams since my grades have plummeted recently and so did I. I practically hit rock-bottom, I was so tired of all the numbers and my brain couldn’t keep up. “Where was the girl who could mentally do algebra in one minute? ” my professors even asked. I studied well day and night but recently, no amount of caffeine would perk me up. I became a lot sadder after leaving music, could it be that music was something I wanted to do instead of pursuing math? I refuse to believe that.

I stepped out for a moment. If I continued down that rabbit hole of thoughts, my head would’ve exploded. The Wisterias were in full bloom, the air was fresh, and the clouds were covering up the sun perfectly. It seemed as if the beautiful day was mocking my misery. Down the streets is the coffee shop I frequent. Perfect, I need my daily dose of caffeine. I ordered my usual coffee. As I was walking out, already pushing the door open, I heard a familiar tune. I stopped in my tracks as the mellow but soulful song played on the radio. It’s that song I used to hear back at the music room. I can’t believe it’s been officially released and even being played on the radio now. I stayed until the song finished then went my way down the streets again. The song brought back memories I thought would be buried forever. I thought that maybe just maybe this could be a sign but stubborn me wouldn’t take it and so I hoped for another sign just to be sure. It is a big decision after all. After what seemed like hours of walking, my feet led me to this group of teenagers who were busking at the side. Just as if the heavens were truly giving me a sign, the song they played next was that same exact song. I never would have thought that the melodies I used to hear at the music room would blow up to the public in just a few months.

I came back to my room at the dorm quickly as I searched for a pen. I took my enrolment papers and recklessly wrote down my intent for a change of course. I did it as quickly as I could to prevent any second thoughts and hesitations. I had thought of that song to be a sign for me. I looked at my dusty guitar and then at the stack of books on my table. Was it really a sign from the heavens or did it just seem like a sign because I was unconsciously looking for it? Maybe I didn’t want to blame myself for this decision so I placed the burden on destiny’s hands instead. That is another bad habit of mine, blaming destiny when things go wrong, but who knows? Maybe the universe does have plans for us. I have a good feeling about this.