The diary of lost hopes

 June 20^th 2020 I’m on the school roof ready to jump off and end my life, but then…

 March 2^nd the snow is melting and I was walking to school and listening to music. As I walk through the city center, I see her. I blush and try to avoid her. When I arrive at school, I see the same three bullies as always. I try to avoid eye contact, but they still see me and catch me. They take me to the bathroom, I tried to resist, but it didn’t work. When they take me into one of the stalls, they start to beat me up, they take away my money and spit at me. When they leave the lesson has started and I usually don’t arrive to the first lesson. I sit on the toilet wiping off the blood. When the lesson end, I go to the second lesson and sit down. Some of my friends gather around me, but I put on my headphones and listen to music trying to forget everything and try to get out of this world. As I just start to feel better the lesson starts just like always. I sit and do nothing like always and just look outside. When the lesson ends, I walk to the garden and just listen to music there and eat my food. I fall asleep and miss my next lesson, but I don’t care about it because I already have planned to end my life. I wake up when school finishes and walk back home. When I get back, I play the guitar a bit and make a few songs and then go to sleep.

 March 23^rd the day is pretty sunny, but I just stay home and sleep in. When I wake up, I got and make some new songs. Then I go on the computer and record some songs and then I publish them. When it finishes publishing, I listen to some songs and just browse the media and social networks.

 April 3^rd, I haven’t been feeling well emotionally for a long time and it’s getting worse. I miss school again, because I can’t look at her and let her see me so low. I go out for a walk and go to the forest. I walk and whistle a few of my songs. I try to forget about my problems and usually try to forget about suicide. As I got deeper into the forest, I notice the bullies smoking and drinking. They see me instantly and start to run up to me. When they catch me, they drag me to their drinking spot. They force me to drink some beer, then they light up a cigar and put it in my mouth. I spit it out, but then they pour even more beer into my mouth. I get really sick and throw up. I never could handle alcohol and usually I threw up after a few minutes. Then they throw me and walk away. I get up and wipe myself off. Then I start to walk back home. As I walk back home, I try to keep my distance from the bullies. Then after a while I notice that I don’t have my phone. I run back to the place where they forced me to drink beer. I find my phone nearby and pick it up. I saw it was cracked, but it still worked. I was happy that it worked. Then she appears and she looked mad. “Did you make this mess?” She said really mad looking at the beer bottles. I just look to the side pretty sad. She then saw me beat up a bit. “So, it wasn’t you huh? Could you at least help me clean this place up?”. I didn’t say anything like always and just picked up the beer bottles and took them to the trash and when I finished, I walked back home.

 April 15^th, I went to school and I was surprised not to see them bullies waiting for me. I went to my first lesson and did the same thing as always. After a few lessons I went to the garden and saw them. They looked pretty mad. “Hey looser give us all your money or we will break your fingers”. I couldn’t say anything back so I just stayed quite so she appeared. “Hey back off you gorilla and go find another gorilla to fight”. She said it to the leader of the bullies. “Who are you calling a gorilla you slut”. He walked up to her and grabbed her collar and picked her up. And then the principal came out. “Stop right there and let her go. Come to my office immediately mister Johnson”. He said and saved us both. Then Johnson walked to the principal’s office. I then ran away and went back home, because I was afraid that she would say something bad about me.

 May 5^th, I walked to school and I got sent to the principal’s office when I walked in to school. He told me to sit down and wait for him to comeback. When he came back, she also arrived. He then sat down and looked really serious. “Did mister Johnson do anything bad to you?”. As he said that I stayed quitter and said nothing. I looked really down. “We have proof off what mister Johnson did to you. Do you want to see?”. He said looking at me. I nodded and he showed me the video of them forcing me to drink beer and making me smoke. “This was filmed by Lilith. She got everything on camera.”. I then looked really surprised. “We have expelled mister Johnson and the other two. They won’t cause any problem to you at school anymore.”. He said still looking serious. I looked at Lilith. “Ah yes miss Lilith. I called her in because she had something for you.” The director said with a smile. “Yes, this is something you lost when they forced you to drink beer.” She took out my earbuds. I took them and was really happy. I thanked her afterwards and then the principal let us go so we walked back to our classes. Nothing special happened anymore.

 May 30^th, then the bullies found where I live and broke all the windows in my house. My mom was on a trip to Asia so she didn’t know this happened. She was now away for 2 months. Then I walked out to go for a walk, but then they jumped me when I was in the forest. “So, dipshit you got us thrown out of school. You will pay for that” Johnson said really angry and took out his pocket knife. He cut my hands and fingers. Then he started to cut my arms. Then he told his guys to take my pants off, but then she arrived to save me again before anything bad could happen. “I called the cops and have everything recorded so you are caught for good now” She said seriously and showed her phone. Then Johnson took her phone and broke it. He laughed and was really happy. “Well little one you now don’t have any proof” As he finished the sentence the cops arrived and took them away. They called the ambulance to check me out. They bandaged me up and said that it wasn’t anything bad.

 June 10^th, the summer break still didn’t start, I haven’t gone to school for a week now. I was really depressed because I found out my mom died flying back home. When I got the news, my hearth was broken. I haven’t written any songs in a long time because I was broken and couldn’t do anything. Then I started to plan to end myself seriously. I thought that in 10 days I could easily do it. I got a text from Lilith, but I ignored it.

 June 20^th 2020 I’m on the school roof ready to jump off and end my life, but then Lilith arrived really worried. She was really sad. “Please stop! Don’t kill yourself please, because if you die, I will cry and I will never get to kiss you.” I walked off the edge of the school. I fell down to the ground and couldn’t say anything. I just started to cry. She walked up to me and hugged me. She didn’t say anything just hugged me and tried to calm me down.

 August 15^th, we went to a Psychiatrist. Lilith took me there and helped me get over my depression. The doctor talked to me and I kind of felt better, but still deep inside I had that feeling in my heart that I want to kill myself, but now I knew that I would hurt Lilith and she would be really sad. So, I promised to myself that I would never try to kill myself while I’m with her.